GraceLessLand O’Reilly Exclusive

A rare image of Bill O'Reilly during rehearsal without makeup

Training Iraqi Military Still A Work In Progress

He forgot step 4: Step Aside

And to add injury to insult, the empty shell casing is ejected on top of him. (BTW I copped this GIF from AngryDuck.com: Angry Duck – they have this duck, and it’s angry.)

Jobs Reveals Apple iPad Digital Slate

It’s a big iPhone without the phone part, or a camera, or….

Apple CEO Steve Jobs shows the iPad to a room full of people who already knew about it

Vatican, Conservatives Criticize “Avatar”

Because there isn’t enough real shit to bitch about.

Bauer Regrets Comparing Animals To Poor

South Carolina Lt. Gov. André Bauer has apologized for comparing stray animals to poor people after animal rights activists objected. Bauer said the poor are like stray animals that breed because they are ignorant.

“I wish I had chosen a better metaphor” Bauer said. “I’m not against animals – just poor people.”

People for The Ethical Treatment of Animals called Bauer an insensitive “speciesist” (that’s actually a word in the fricking spelling dictionary) for daring to compare animals with the poor.

“Animals don’t stand at street corners and beg” one PETA official said. “They have more dignity than that. At PETA we wouldn’t mind if there was a hunting season for the poor – just not animals. We are 100% in favor of using the poor for research purposes – that’s better than harming monkeys and mice.”

Scott Brown – Newest U.S. Senator

Senator Scott Brown (R - Mass.) is going to be a big man at the nation's capitol

Edwards Admits He Fathered Child

After a year of denials Former U.S. Sen. John Edwards of North Carolina has admitted he fathered a child with his mistress during his 2008 presidential nomination campaign. “I will do everything in my power to provide her with the love and support she deserves,” Edwards said, adding “as long as you define love as complete absence and support as monetary payments that I’m pretty sure will be tax deductible.”

Edwards’ political career came to a screeching halt after he admitted to the affair. His marriage also imploded, as did any credibility he may have once had with the American people. Edwards was the running mate for former Vice President Al Gore in the 2000 elections that were awarded to George W. Bush after an appeal to the courts.

Gore commented “this should be no real problem for John, as long as he realizes no one will ever take him seriously again. I certainly hope his relationship with his daughter will have a small carbon footprint, perhaps that will put some positive spin on things, although I know I’ll never go near him again now that he is a political pariah. He should have followed President Clinton’s example and only engaged in oral sex and tobacco product invagination.”

Cast adrift politically and alone and friendless in the cold world of partisan politics, Edwards is considering his career options. He is in talks with Fox for a reality show with the Octomom based on Edwards attempting to curry favor with her 15 children who have the power to vote him off the North American continent, sending him to a small island in the South Pacific where he will try to convince the local aboriginal population that, no, he isn’t that John Edwards and no, he doesn’t have Monica Lewinski’s cell number. If they believe him they won’t eat him.

“It’s really not that different from politics” Edwards said.

Pat Robertson Explains Haitian Earthquake

The Reverend Pat Robertson said today the earthquake that has devastated the city of Port Au Prince in Haiti is due to a Haitian pact with Satan, and has nothing to do with tectonic activity spurred by the sliding action of continental plates.

In his daily radio broadcast Robertson said Haiti was “under the heel of the French. You know, Napoleon III and whatever, and they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, ‘We will serve you if you will get us free from the French.’ True story. And so, the devil said, ‘OK, it’s a deal.’ “

Really. He said that. Out loud and over the airwaves where people could hear.

Pat Robertson explains the local culture in Haiti

In the past he has linked terrorist attacks on the United States to abortion. Robertson also believes traffic fatalities are God’s punishment for “slowing down when the light is yellow, like you can’t beat it before it turns red – man I hate it when people do that, because if I’m behind them I’m sure God will let me through the intersection even if it does turn red”.

Robertson has also claimed that breast augmentation is proof that evolutionry science is wrong: “If we were evolving then obviously women would just evolve bigger hooters, since that’s obviously a desirable survival trait. But women have to get an operation – an operation that God gave surgeons the ability to perform, because God wants bigger hooters but He also wants us to help ourselves.”

Fear Of Gilligan’s Island

“I thought I was going to die, we were so high up, I thought to myself: I hope we don’t crash and burn or worse yet landing in the ocean, living through it, only to be eaten by sharks, or worse yet, end up on some place like Gilligan’s Island, stranded, or worse yet, be eaten by a tribe of headhunters, speaking of headhunters, why do they just eat outsiders, and not the family members? Strange … and what if the plane ripped apart in mid-flight and we plumited (sic) to earth, landed on Gilligan’s Island and then lived through it, and the only woman there was Mrs. Thurston Howell III? No Mary Anne (my favorite) no Ginger, just Lovey! If it were just her, I think I’d opt for the sharks, maybe the headhunters.”

This is a note handed to an airline flight attendant by a nervous passenger. The flight was turned back to it’s original airport because you don’t just fuck around when people are talking about “Gilligan’s Island” at 30,000 feet!

There Is Always An Alternative To War

Sure virgins are good, but....

Here at Gracelessland we do not endorse one religion over another – but I mean, come on – where would you rather go?

Valid Target

Sometimes it's okay to hate

Reason #1 To Always Read The Warning Labels

The hazards of not reading the warning labels

 

Okay, let’s start with the young lady. While I admire her desire to acheive complete streamlining of form, we must talk about tanning: the idea of tanning is to get an even, all-over darkening effect of the epidermis. You really mustn’t wear a bag on your head while lying in the machine, or you will appear to have your head Photoshopped on someone else’s body.

And now, for the unfortunate science experiment gone awry on the right. Firstly you need a nose to breathe – I know, I know, Michael Jackson seemed to get along just fine without one – but look how that turned out. Next, see my remarks about the point of tanning above: you really must get out of the machine before being afflicted with second-degree burns! I mean look at you – over-tanning has burned the lips right off your face.

THE TANNING MACHINE WORKS JUST LIKE A TOASTER! Turn the knob down to “lightly browned”, otherwise you will suffer the fate of English muffins, which are just too thick to be toasted at the same setting as Wonder bread!

Official 2009 Stiff List – NEW! IMPROVED!

It’s that time again: the annual round up of the famous, the infamous, the known and unknown, but mostly of the freshly dead: it’s the 2009 GraceLessLand Stiff List. There are some innovations this year. First, the list is divided into monthly sub-lists, and second we have instituted a “Grim Reaper Point Score System”, or GRPSS. The Reaper is assigned points based on degree of difficulty, terrorist affiliation, Frenchness, royalty, and many other arbitrary and less-than-sensical criteria. Also this is the longest annual Stiff List ever – not because more people died in 2009 than in other years, but because I discovered Wikipedia already keeps track of this stuff, so a huge thanks to them for reducing my job to pretty-much a cut-and-paste effort! Of course I have added some commentary here and there. Finally it should be noted that a new cause of death seems to be sweeping the list this year: “airstrike”.

DECEMBER

Vic Chesnutt, 45, famous unknown musician, works now worth millions, of muscle relaxant overdose.

George Michael, 70, Sports journalist, broadcaster, and not the gay guy who wrote “I Want Your Sex”, of leukemia.

Mick Cocks, Austrailian musician famous for having the last name “Cocks”.

Yiannis Moralis, 93, Greek visual artist and unfortunately NOT Yanni.

Connie Hines, 78, played Wilbur’s wife on “Mister Ed”, where her only lines were “Dinner’s ready!” and “Oh, Wilbur, honestly!”, of heart failure.

Dan O’Bannon, 63, American screenwriter, director and actor. He wrote and starred in the cult clasic “Dark Star”, and also wrote the original story for “Alien”, and the scripts for films such as “Heavy Metal”, “Total Recall”, and “Blue Thunder”, of Crohn’s disease.

Roy E. Disney, 79, Walt’s much less talented nephew who nontheless inherited the Disney Empire, of stomach cancer.

Nur Akbar, 56, Afghan Al-Qaeda terrorist, airstrike (+5 bonus points for the Grim Reaper).
NOVEMBER (a particularly good month for royalty)

Prince Alexander of Belgium, 67, Belgian royal, pulmonary embolism (+1 royalty bonus).

Princess Farial of Egypt, 71, Egyptian royal, oldest child of King Farouk, stomach cancer (+1 royalty bonus).

Jacques Baratier, 91, French film director and screenwriter (+1 French bonus).

Francis French, 7th Baron de Freyne, 82, Irish aristocrat (+1 royalty, +2 IRISH royalty bonus).

Ken Ober, 52, American comedian and host of MTV’s “Remote Control”, probably of chronic has-beenitude.

Roy Butler, 83, American politician, first directly elected Mayor of Austin, Texas (1971–1975), complications from a fall. Prior to Butler the mayor of Austin was selected by penis size.

Carl Ballantine, 92, American actor and magician who played Gruber on “McHale’s Navy”, natural causes.

Princess Haya bint Abdulaziz, 80, Saudi royal, sister of King Abdullah (+1 royalty, +3 Saudi royalty).
OCTOBER

Norton Buffalo, 58, American singer-songwriter, blues harmonica player (Steve Miller Band), lung cancer (-1 for the Grim Reaper for taking someone I liked and admired – Norton could put on a great show).

Claude Lévi-Strauss, 100, French anthropologist and author (+1 French, +1 French intellectual, -1 centenarian penalty).

Soupy Sales, 83, American comedian and television host, cancer.

Howard Unruh, 88, American spree killer (+3 spree killer bonus).

Joseph Wiseman, 91, Canadian actor who played “Dr. No” (+1 Evil Genius bonus).

Vic Mizzy, 93, American composer of “The Addams Family” and “Green Acres” theme songs, of terminal schmaltz.

Dickie Peterson, 63, American rock singer (Blue Cheer), liver cancer (-1 penalty for member of Blue Cheer).

Vyacheslav Ivankov, 69, Russian crime figure, gunshot wounds.

René Sommer, 58, Swiss co-inventor of the computer mouse (-2 penalty mouse co-inventor).

Fatima of Libya, 98, Queen of Libya (1951–1969), widow of King Idris I (+1 royalty bonus).
SEPTEMBER

John Couey, 51, American murderer, killer of Jessica Lunsford (the inspiration for Jessica’s Law), anal cancer (+2 pedophile bonus, +5 imaginative agonizing death for pedophile).

Nick Strutt, 62, British country musician (-1 world’s only British Country musician).

Susan Atkins, 61, American murderer (‘Manson Family’ member), brain cancer (+1 Manson bonus).

Ertugrul Osman, 97, Turkish 43rd Head of the Imperial Ottoman Dynasty, lung and kidney failure (+1 Turk, +1 important Turk).

John Hart, 91, American actor (The Lone Ranger).

Alan Deyermond, 77, British hispanist (+1 hispanist bonus).

Arthur Ferrante, 88, American pianist (Ferrante & Teicher), natural causes (+2 muzak bonus).

Dick Hoover, 79, American professional bowler (+1 pro-bowler bonus).

Henry Gibson, 73, American actor (Laugh-In, Boston Legal), cancer.

Saleh Ali Saleh Nabhan, c.30, Kenyan terrorist, airstrike (+5 bonus points for the Grim Reaper).

Patrick Swayze, 57, American actor (Dirty Dancing, Ghost), pancreatic cancer.

Thabet bin Laden, 49, Saudi businessman and patriarch, brother of Al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden (+1 Saudi, +1 bin Laden relative).

Jim Carroll, 60, American author (The Basketball Diaries), poet and musician, heart attack (+1 bonus to Grim Reaper for waiting this long).

Maria Christina of Bourbon-Parma, 84, Spanish royal (House of Bourbon-Parma), daughter of Elias, Duke of Parma (+1 royalty bonus, +3 House of Bourbon).
AUGUST

Chanel, 21, American dachshund, world’s oldest dog, natural causes (-1 doggie penalty).

Ted Kennedy, 77, American politician, Senator from Massachusetts (1962–2009), brain cancer (+1 Kennedy bonus, +1 JFK’s brother bonus, +1 swimming bonus, -3 penalty because conservatives hated him so and they shouldn’t get such a break).

Joseph Corbett, Jr., 80, American murderer and kidnapper, suicide by gunshot (+1 murderer bonus, +1 kidnapper bonus, +1 relative justice bonus).

Robert Novak, 78, American conservative author and pundit, brain cancer (+1 pundit bonus, +1 balance bonus for same month as Ted Kennedy).

Paul Healion, 31, Irish cyclist, car crash (+1 irony bonus).

Les Paul, 94, American guitarist and inventor, complications from pneumonia (-3 global hipness reduction penalty).

Willy DeVille, 58, American singer–songwriter for “Mink DeVille” and Puerto Rican impersonator, pancreatic cancer (-1 penalty for Grim Reaper for bad form).

John Hughes, 59, American film director, screenwriter, and producer (Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, The Breakfast Club), heart attack.

Anthony Impreveduto, 61, American corrupt politician, member of the New Jersey General Assembly (1987–2004), lymphoma (+1 bonus corrupt politician, -1 penalty because finding a corrupt politician in NJ is a bit too easy).

Budd Schulberg, 95, American screenwriter (On the Waterfront), television producer and novelist, natural causes.

Benson, c.25, British common carp, voted as Britain’s Favourite Carp (death announced on this date).

Princess Felicitas of Prussia, 75, German princess, great-granddaughter of Kaiser Wilhelm II (+1 royalty bonus, +1 relative of Wilhelm II bonus).
JULY

Sybil, British Downing Street cat, Chief Mouser to the Cabinet Office (2007–2008), after short illness.

Gerald Gardner, 83, Irish-born American mathematician, evidence led to ban on sex-segregated classified advertising. leukemia (+1 obscure accomplishment bonus).

Gidget, 15, American chihuahua, Taco Bell mascot, stroke (+1 annoyance removal bonus for the Grim Reaper).

Walter Cronkite, 92, American television news anchor and father figure who was instrumental in turning Americans against the war in Vietnam, cerebrovascular disease.

Robert McNamara, 93, American business executive, Secretary of Defense (1961–1968), natural causes (+1 dipshit bonus).

Drake Levin, 62, American guitarist (Paul Revere & the Raiders), cancer.

John Barry, 84, American president and CEO of WD-40, pulmonary fibrosis probably caused by inhaling too much WD-40.

John Keel, 79, American ufologist and writer (The Mothman Prophecies), heart failure (+1 ufologist bonus).

Karl Malden, 97, American Academy Award winning actor (A Streetcar Named Desire), natural causes.

Mollie Sugden, 86, British actress (Are You Being Served?), natural causes.
JUNE

Billy Mays, 50, American pitchman and television host (Pitchmen), hypertensive heart disease (+1 annoyance removal bonus).

Gale Storm, 87, American actress (My Little Margie, The Gale Storm Show).

Farrah Fawcett, 62, American actress (Charlie’s Angels), anal cancer (-1 adolescent fantasy figure penalty).

Michael Jackson, 50, American pop singer–songwriter, acute propofol intoxication (+1 Michael Jackson bonus, -1 Michael Jackson penalty).

Ed McMahon, 86, American television host (Star Search) and announcer (The Tonight Show) (+1 pitchman bonus, -1 cultural icon penalty).

Arthur Luft, 94, Manx politician and deemster (+1 deemster bonus).

IZ the Wiz, 50, American graffiti artist, heart attack (+1 graffiti artist bonus).

Bob Bogle, 75, American guitarist (The Ventures), non-Hodgkin lymphoma (-1 global hipness decrease penalty).

Bernard Barker, 92, Cuban-born American intelligence operative, Watergate burglar, lung cancer (+1 Watergate criminal bonus).

David Carradine, 72, American actor and film director, hanged self while masturbating (+3 embarrassment bonus, +1 dipshit bonus, -1 zen interest penalty).
MAY

Millvina Dean, 97, British woman, last living passenger aboard the Titanic, pneumonia (+1 elusive prey bonus for the Grim Reaper).

Danny La Rue, 81, Irish-born British female impersonator and singer, prostate cancer (+1 irony bonus).

Octavia St. Laurent, American transwoman and performer (+1 bonus for pretentious trans-gender name selection).

Dom DeLuise, 75, American actor and comedian (The Cannonball Run, The Secret of NIMH), writer and chef, kidney failure.
APRIL

Maxime de la Falaise, 86, British model, socialite, fashion designer, cookbook writer and gastronome, natural causes (+1 over-achiever bonus).

Beatrice Arthur, 86, American Emmy and Tony Award-winning actress (Maude, The Golden Girls, Mame), cancer (-1 cultural icon penalty).

Alex Lees, 97, British planner of the Great Escape during World War II (+1 difficulty bonus for the Grim Reaper).

Ray Nance, 94, American World War II veteran, survivor of D-Day (+1 difficulty bonus for the Grim Reaper).

Patty Costello, 61, American ten-pin bowler, pancreatic cancer (+1 pro-bowler bonus).

Marilyn Chambers, 56, American pornographic film actress (Behind the Green Door), erotic dancer, and politician, heart disease (-1 adolescent fantasy figure penalty).

Colin Jordan, 85, British politician and Neo-Nazi activist (+1 politician bonus, +2 neo-Nazi bonus).

Henri Meschonnic, 76, French poet, linguist, translator and theoretician (+1 French bonus, +1 French intellectual bonus).

Dave Arneson, 61, American game designer, co-creator of Dungeons & Dragons, cancer (+2 overcoming saving-throw bonus, +3 Vorpal Blade).

Netherwood Hughes, 108, British fourth-to-last veteran of World War I (+1 difficulty bonus for the Grim Reaper).
MARCH

Uriel Jones, 74, American drummer (The Funk Brothers), complications from heart attack. (-1 global funk decrease penalty).

Ezio Flagello, 78, American opera singer, heart failure (+1 opera bonus).

Natasha Richardson, 45, British actress, epidural hematoma (-1 unnecessary roughness penalty).

Nicholas Hughes, 47, American marine biologist, son of Sylvia Plath and Ted Hughes, suicide by hanging (+1 family tradition bonus).

David Wood, 86, British Army officer, last surviving platoon commander of the Pegasus Bridge operation during World War II (+1 difficulty bonus).

Frederick Conyngham, 7th Marquess Conyngham, 84, Irish nobleman, cancer (+1 royalty bonus, +1 IRISH royalty bonus).
FEBRUARY

Paul Harvey, 90, American radio broadcaster (+1 pitchman bonus, -1 cultural icon penalty).

Philip José Farmer, 91, American writer (Riverworld).

Howard Menger, 87, American ufologist (+1 ufologist bonus).

Socks, 19, American Presidential cat of the Clinton family, euthanized so he couldn’t talk.

Snooks Eaglin, 73, American guitarist, heart attack (+1 Guy Named Snooks bonus).

Gyula Sáringer, 81, Hungarian agronomist (+1 agronomist bonus).

Alfred A. Knopf, Jr., 90, American publisher, son of Alfred A. Knopf, out of print.

Virgil Lee Griffin, 64, American Ku Klux Klan leader (+1 KKK bonus, +1 KKK leader bonus).

Herbert Hamrol, 106, American centenarian, one of the last survivors of the 1906 San Francisco earthquake, pneumonia (+1 difficulty bonus).
JANUARY

John Updike, 76, American author (Rabbit Is Rich, The Witches of Eastwick), lung cancer.

Marguerite, Baroness de Reuter, 96, British aristocrat, last heir of the Reuters family, granddaughter-in-law of Paul Reuter (+1 royalty bonus).

Panapasa Balekana, 79, Fijian-born Solomon Island co-writer of the Solomon Islands national anthem.

Bob Doyle, 93, Irish activist, last surviving Irish member of the International Brigade in the Spanish Civil War (+1 difficulty bonus).

Vivian Illing, 108, American centenarian, one of the last survivors of the 1906 San Francisco earthquake (+1 difficulty bonus).

Charles H. Schneer, 88, American film producer (Jason and the Argonauts), Alzheimer’s disease (+1 under budget bonus).

Raymond Parker, 89, British sprint canoer (+1 difficulty bonus, special aquatic capture category).

Andrew Wyeth, 91, American painter (Christina’s World), after short illness.

Ricardo Montalbán, 88, Mexican-born American actor (Fantasy Island, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan), heart failure (+2 Overcoming Wrath of Khan bonus).

Mikhail Donskoy, 61, Russian programmer, co-developer of the first world computer chess champion (Kaissa) (+1 strategy bonus).

Patrick McGoohan, 80, American-born Irish actor (The Prisoner, Braveheart), after short illness (-1 cultural icon penalty).

Rob Gauntlett, 21, British mountaineer, youngest Briton to climb Mount Everest, climbing accident (+1 appropriateness bonus).

Bill Stone, 108, British World War I veteran (+1 difficulty bonus).

Ray Dennis Steckler, 70, American film director (Rat Pfink a Boo Boo), cardiac arrest due to arteries clogged with schmaltz.

Bob Wilkins, 76, American television personality, horror film host, complications from Alzheimer’s disease (+1 Creature Feature bonus), -1 cultural icon penalty).

Ron Asheton, 60, American rock guitarist (The Stooges), heart attack (death announced on this date).

India, 18, American pet cat of President George W. Bush.

JLo As An Angel

Is it wrong to wonder if that stuff she's slathered in is saliva?

Underwear Bomb

I believe we have a new definition of the term “fanatic”. The government has issued an alert to beware of any person who appears to have a larger-than-normal crotch bulge.

The potentially deadly Fruit of the Loom. Experts have tagged this a "tenor bomb" for unknown reasons

Steven Tyler Enters Re-rehab

He was only out for about fifteen minutes.

Aerosmith frontman needs treatment for being the Aerosmith frontman

Big 8 Corporate Stiff List 2009

Over at CNN Money there is a slide show featuring massive durable goods slaughter as 2009 became the death year for some truly Big Names in consumerism.

Oldest To Die: Pontiac (born 1926) and Max Factor (also originated in the 1920s as a consumer product). Apparently the old muscle cars could have used a little of Mr. Factor’s makeup, as consumer’s found them unappealing enough for GM to pull the plug when undergoing bankruptcy. Max Factor products will continue to be sold in Europe, where glamour hangs-on to its image like Norma Desmond held on to her sanity.

Best Known Pop Culture Item: Kodachrome. Mama apparently finally decided to take it away. The once-mighty celluloid strip fell to just 1% of Kodak’s overall film sales, and was down to just one manufacturer when Kodak exposed the last frame to the light. The era of consumer color photography initiated by Kodachrome in 1935 is over, co-opted by the more convenient but far inferior digital camera. We are all culturally poorer as a result.

Most Geek To Go: Circuit City, because the iPod killed stereo sales, and Wal-Mart took over everything else. Unfortunate because they had a better selection than Wal-Mart. Partially resurrected online under new management, the name “Circuit City” will live on.

Most Likely Not To Succeed: Saturn, the attempt at Toyota-killing that never quite became an automotive threat. Started by GM in 1990, it was initially thought of as the “U.S. Yugo”. Quality improved over the years, but sales didn’t. Another casualty of the GM re-structuring.

Worst Case Of Food Poisoning: Gourmet magazine. Since 1940 the magazine that featured dishes Americans couldn’t cook, pronounce, or get handed to them through the car window.

First Famous Stiff List Of 2009

Over on Fox News they have a slide show of Stars Who Snuffed In ‘09.

The most prevalent cause of death: cancer (still number one).

The most agonizing cause of death: cancer (maintaining it’s 2-for-2 yearly record).

The absolute stupidest way to die: by hanging yourself in a hotel room closet while masturbating. From now on this form of self-extinction will be known as “doing a David Carradine”.

The ultimate Darwin Award winner

Tiger Woods’ $15k One Night Stand

Sorry – but we’d say not a penny over $10,000 – Tiger got screwed.

1/3,200th of Tiger Woods' Mistresses

GraceLessLand Flashback: Elian Gonzalez

A State Dept. Representative persuades Elian Gonzalez to return to Cuba