Steven Tyler Enters Re-rehab

He was only out for about fifteen minutes.

Aerosmith frontman needs treatment for being the Aerosmith frontman

Big 8 Corporate Stiff List 2009

Over at CNN Money there is a slide show featuring massive durable goods slaughter as 2009 became the death year for some truly Big Names in consumerism.

Oldest To Die: Pontiac (born 1926) and Max Factor (also originated in the 1920s as a consumer product). Apparently the old muscle cars could have used a little of Mr. Factor’s makeup, as consumer’s found them unappealing enough for GM to pull the plug when undergoing bankruptcy. Max Factor products will continue to be sold in Europe, where glamour hangs-on to its image like Norma Desmond held on to her sanity.

Best Known Pop Culture Item: Kodachrome. Mama apparently finally decided to take it away. The once-mighty celluloid strip fell to just 1% of Kodak’s overall film sales, and was down to just one manufacturer when Kodak exposed the last frame to the light. The era of consumer color photography initiated by Kodachrome in 1935 is over, co-opted by the more convenient but far inferior digital camera. We are all culturally poorer as a result.

Most Geek To Go: Circuit City, because the iPod killed stereo sales, and Wal-Mart took over everything else. Unfortunate because they had a better selection than Wal-Mart. Partially resurrected online under new management, the name “Circuit City” will live on.

Most Likely Not To Succeed: Saturn, the attempt at Toyota-killing that never quite became an automotive threat. Started by GM in 1990, it was initially thought of as the “U.S. Yugo”. Quality improved over the years, but sales didn’t. Another casualty of the GM re-structuring.

Worst Case Of Food Poisoning: Gourmet magazine. Since 1940 the magazine that featured dishes Americans couldn’t cook, pronounce, or get handed to them through the car window.

First Famous Stiff List Of 2009

Over on Fox News they have a slide show of Stars Who Snuffed In ‘09.

The most prevalent cause of death: cancer (still number one).

The most agonizing cause of death: cancer (maintaining it’s 2-for-2 yearly record).

The absolute stupidest way to die: by hanging yourself in a hotel room closet while masturbating. From now on this form of self-extinction will be known as “doing a David Carradine”.

The ultimate Darwin Award winner

Tiger Woods’ $15k One Night Stand

Sorry – but we’d say not a penny over $10,000 – Tiger got screwed.

1/3,200th of Tiger Woods' Mistresses

GraceLessLand Flashback: Elian Gonzalez

A State Dept. Representative persuades Elian Gonzalez to return to Cuba

Does Nancy Grace Kill?

According to this lawsuit the answer is yes.

Maybe the government should require a warning label on her.

Media Questions Obama Afghanistan Plan

Their question seems to be: “Is this like Vietnam, or the Surge in Iraq, or something else we can compare it to so we don’t have to do any original thinking?”

Proof Global Warming Is A Hoax

Scientists at the University of East Anglia’s Climate Research Unit have confessed to willfully destroying the data on which they base their claims for global warming. In an obvious attempt to cover up the hoax they have perpetrated about climate change, and to keep honest and non-political climate change nay-sayers from the proof that there is no such thing as human-caused climate change, the CRU threw the data away to save room when they moved to new offices.

“It’s not just that we’re stupid – we’re guilty of a cover-up that keeps real scientists who are conservatives and have investments in high-carbon-output industries from proving we’re also liars” the head of CRU, Professor Phil Jones, admitted. “Obviously there is not nor has there ever been such a thing as global climate change, and we just like to scare people and jack-up our grant requests based on fear and paranoia.”

Enquiring planets want to know....

The loss of the CRU data obviously invalidates the hundreds of other independent studies and scientific efforts around the world, proving that all are part of the vast left-wing conspiracy in the scientific community to make people believe that unchecked pollution of the environment may be having some kind of “effect” on climate.

For years those who oppose the idea of human-induced climate change have made the obvious argument that if pollution were bad for the environment, there would have been some sign of it in the past. They also argue that cleaning the carbon out of the atmosphere would ruin the “view of the sunset” postcard industry by taking the nice chemical red color out of the sky. “Billions of people depend on those rosy sunsets for their livelihood, and because of some specious theory these eggheads want to take the food out of those people’s mouths! DEATH TO THE SCIENTISTS!” one pro-pollution spokesperson said.

Oprah Show Ending To Trigger Apocalypse?

Robert Byrd Is Longest Serving Member Of Congress

We culled these facts from a CNN story:

Five of the above "facts" are in fact facts, while the rest are "factoids"

Hillary Clinton Had A Crush On Fabian

Do not feel discouraged if you don’t know who Fabian is/was. Actually, don’t feel bad if you have no idea who Hillary Clinton is – although that may indicate you should change the channel now and then.

Anyway, Ms. Clinton was taking questions from young women in the Philipines when asked if she had ever had a crush on anyone other than Bill Clinton. Unfortunately for the United States of America and the State Department, Secretary of State Clinton answered the question – at length. She revealed the incredibly embarrassing fact she was once president of a Fabian fan club.

During the Nixon administration during the 1970s the same question was posed to Secretary of State Henry Kissinger. Kissinger replied “What the fuck kind of dumbass question is that to ask the Secretary of State of the United States of America?”

And then Kissinger admitted to a longtime crush on silent screen star Zazu Pitts: “She gives me major wood” Kissinger said.

More Hard-Hitting Exposes From Fox News

Featured on today’s FoxNews.com front page, fair and balanced coverage of more tits and ass then you can shake a…uh, stick at.

Of course what would a Monday be without Fox’s regular “Maxim Monday” feature, where the latest social issues are analysed:

You should see her opinion on taxes!

 

And of course Fox always has the most knowledgable experts to help you understand difficult legislation and policy questions:

And her nipples agree!

GraceLessLand Flashback: NASA Unveils New Mars Mission

The famous ass on Mars

Artist’s rendering of the latest Mars probe

Growing Penises In The Lab

Artificial penis tissue. At last, the final piece of the puzzle falls into place. I’ve got the Rogaine, the Viagra, and now….

Possibility Of Neanderthal/Homo Sapiens Sex?

This Fox News story asks the question: Did Neanderthals and Homo Sapiens do the nasty? Our question would be: And did they take pictures? And why did we survive and Neanderthals die-out? Was it because they had inadequate health care?

Does Neanderthal/Homo Sapiens inter-breeding explain political conservatism? There are so many questions that only continued research can answer.

Early Republicans realize they may have made a mistake

Iran Says “No Thanks” To Uranium Deal

Iran’s government turned down a United Nations proposal to enrich its uranium in Europe, to ensure the material is not used to make weapons. The plan was to ship all of Iran’s nearly two tons of uranium to several facilities in Europe, where it would likely get lost in the mail, and since Iran is notorious for not buying insurance on its packages, that would end any chance of Iran making nuclear weapons.

“The insurance is never needed!” Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said from Tehran. “Why increase the shipping cost for that? Besides, our uranium isn’t going anywhere. We can enrich it here – we have all the vitamin B we need.”

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad emphasizes a point. Not seen in the photo is his companion Mini Mahmoud.

 

Duke Dildo Disaster

Apparently holding dildo parties is considered research at Duke University. As at the Tupperware parties their moms used to hold, female Duke students were invited to gather and peruse sex toys so researchers could gauge if handling large plastic penises in any way affected their feelings about sex. The director of the Duke Catholic Center objected, probably on the grounds that you don’t get any new catholics if you use a rubber wang. Researchers countered the complaint by noting the “study” was peer-reviewed before starting - although we have to wonder exactly whose peers did the reviewing.

“New Jews” Are Into Tattoos

New Jews! Damn – I just learned the names of all the old ones!

Gene Pool Pollutant Alert

Here’s a story on CNN about two would-be burglars who had these ideas pretty-much in this order:

1. Let’s get drunk…
2. …and go rob someone and…
3. … disguise ourselves…
4. …by writing on our faces with marker pens…
5. …permanent marker pens…
6. …the kind that don’t wash off

Police tracked the miscreants down by looking for the people who didn’t not have permanent marker all over their faces.

U.S. To Pay Taliban Fighters To Switch Sides

Here’s a story on CNN that tells of U.S. plans to pay Taliban fighters to switch to the Afghan government’s side. They call it the “Taliban reintegration provision”. The Taliban are calling it “let’s use the money to buy weapons to kill Americans with” – a sort-of welfare program. The way it works is, a Taliban fighter surrenders his jammed AK-47 with no ammo in the clip, gets a bag full of cash, then goes to downtown Kabul and buys a new rocket-propelled grenade launcher, a ten pound block of plastic explosive, some fuses, and a couple of cell phones. Then he just sort of wanders-off into the mountains. Meanwhile we have his signed pledge not to be a Taliban soldier anymore – so we’re covered, legally.

"We got the money!"