Gene Pool Pollutant Alert

Here’s a story on CNN about two would-be burglars who had these ideas pretty-much in this order:

  1. Let’s get drunk…
  2. …and go rob someone and…
  3. … disguise ourselves…
  4. …by writing on our faces with marker pens…
  5. …permanent marker pens…
  6. …the kind that don’t wash off

Police tracked the miscreants down by looking for the people who didn’t not have permanent marker all over their faces.

U.S. To Pay Taliban Fighters To Switch Sides

Here’s a story on CNN that tells of U.S. plans to pay Taliban fighters to switch to the Afghan government’s side. They call it the “Taliban reintegration provision”. The Taliban are calling it “let’s use the money to buy weapons to kill Americans with” – a sort-of welfare program. The way it works is, a Taliban fighter surrenders his jammed AK-47 with no ammo in the clip, gets a bag full of cash, then goes to downtown Kabul and buys a new rocket-propelled grenade launcher, a ten pound block of plastic explosive, some fuses, and a couple of cell phones. Then he just sort of wanders-off into the mountains. Meanwhile we have his signed pledge not to be a Taliban soldier anymore – so we’re covered, legally.

"We got the money!"

"We got the money!"

Other Gratuitous Game Ideas

Every weekend I get an email from Stardock announcing what’s for sale, and last weekend it was “Gratuitous Space Battles”. This is brilliant: no story, no rhyme, no reason, just lots of shooting/exploding space hardware all over the screen. This brings us to the possibility of other “Gratuitous” games:

  • “Gratuitous Oral Sex”: You don’t go on a date, you don’t have a relationship, no money changes hands. Just lots of oral sex in 3D.
  • “Gratuitous Zombie Killing”: Developers have come close, but what I want is to just stand on a street corner and kill zombies as they walk by – maybe I would have a pick-up truck full of guns and ammo. But no running around, no driving, no going to the mall – the zombies just walk up and you kill them.
  • “Gratuitous World War Two”: Just mix-up all the German and Japanese soldiers on some generic terrain and march ‘em my way.
  • “GratuitousSim”: A game that simulates nothing. Maybe someone just sitting in a room being very, very quiet and still.
  • “Gratuitous Fish Tank”: Just feed the fish. You don’t clean the tank, and you can’t even tap the glass. Fish show up, swim for a while until they die and float belly-up, then are replaced by new fish. And no matter how little you feed them the fish always eat too much and die.
  • “Gratuitous Salmonella Turtles”: Kind of like “Gratuitous Fish Tank”, except with turtles that are infected with salmonella. You can touch them if you want, but if you do you know you’ll probably die.
  • “Gratuitous Street Fighters”: You fight others for seemingly no reason at all. Actually I guess this is how street fighter games work, isn’t it.
  • “Gratuitous Monkey Killing”: Lots of monkeys, lots of guns, one banana.
  • “Gratuitous Car Racing”: The game starts in the middle of a race on a oval track. That’s it. You just drive around the track forever or until you shut it down. The race never ends.
  • “Gratuitous Pirate Game”: You’re a pirate because you like being a pirate. See “Gratuitous Street Fighter” above.
  • “Gratuitous Tetris”: No score, no winning. Just keep smoking weed and fitting the little puzzle pieces together.
  • “Gratuitous Pong”: You’re the only player. There’s only one paddle. It’s dull but it’s over quickly.
  • “Gratuitous Movie Tie-In”: A generic game that could be about anything happening anywhere to anyone, with the title of a current hit movie on the box.

Barbi Twins Strip To Save Pussies

Thank God for this fair and balanced report from Fox News! Fox is always in the forefront of serious entertainment reporting – why this week alone they’ve had features on how fat Kirstie Alley is, which stars have the best bikini bodies, and I’m pretty-sure there was something about who looks best with no underwear on when exiting a limo.

There's no way this is just an excuse to funnel traffic to the Barbi Twins site, and provide yet another T&A link on Fox News.

There's no way this is just an excuse to funnel traffic to the Barbi Twins site, and provide yet another T&A link on Fox News.

There is absolutely no possibility that this “Fox 411″ feature could be designed to get traffic through Fox News by offering links to pictures of the quite anatomically amazing Barbi Twins. The Twins’ Web site offers various critical social commentaries on eating disorders, animal rights, and how to arch your back so far you could give yourself scoliosis. Not to mention the importance of lubricants when posing under hot lights. Thanks, Fox News!

Windows Vista SP 3 In Two Days

Microsoft has announced that the latest service pack for Windows Vista will be released on October 22. The new patch offers bug fixes and a few Macintosh-like enhancements, but offers very little new functionality. The two big new features are it’s called “Windows 7″, and you’ll have to pay for it.

“It’s all about burying our past mistakes” said Microsoft jefe Steve Ballmer. “We want as many people as possible to forget there ever was a Vista, but we don’t want to introduce any new complications, so we just slapped the same old shit in a new box. And we’ve added great new features, like Aero Shake.”

With Aero Shake, when the user clicks on a window title bar and shakes the mouse, all other open windows disappear. We pointed-out that Vista actually does this about half the time now. “Yeah, but that’s a bug, and Aero Shake is a feature” Ballmer said.

Microsoft is also bundling the 32-bit and 64-bit versions of the operating system together, because “we thought it would be nice if people with 64-bit machines could go back and install the 32-bit version when none of the 64-bit drivers work.”

Microsoft is also opening its first retail store to coincide with the release of Vista SP 3/Windows 7. The store is located in Scottsdale, Arizona, the well-known geographic center of computing for the entire planet, unlike those out-of-the-way places like New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, etc.

Islamists Force Women To Shake Breasts

You can’t make this stuff up. Apparently a bunch of, shall we say, men in Somalia are all worked-off that women are wearing bras that make their breasts look firmer than they really are. So they are rounding women up in the streets, forcing them to remove their bras, and then shake their breasts so their “firmness” can be judged. Apparently Islamic law has a strict “firmness index” that must be adhered to at all times, so when a man finally makes his way through the layers of clothing they force women to wear he won’t be disappointed by the boobs he eventually finds.

The Islamist group is called Al Shabaab, which is Arabic for “Let’s find an excuse to go out and molest women and check-out their tits”. These guys get a high rating on the GraceLessLand “stupid fuck index”. In fact we’ve extended the scale to accomodate them, and it now goes to 11, or “Mega-douchebag”.

YouTube Censors Obama Criticism

At this link you should be seeing a fat white guy in a stupid hat reading the lyrics to a bad “rap song” about Barack Obama. But you don’t because YouTube removed it, citing “copyright infringement”. I’ve seen the video. It’s Kansas state Rep. Bill Otto, apparently sitting in an outhouse, doing a very bad rap satire. There’s no music. As far as I can tell he isn’t using someone elses’ words. Perhaps there is a copyright on stupidity?

Otto’s daughters removed the video once already, being mortified that their old man could be such a blazing moron. But Bill Otto isn’t the kind of guy who’s thwarted by intelligence – he put it back. Then YouTube took it down because they are now a big corporate site and big corporate sites are known for their repressive policies, often just made-up on the spur of the moment because they feel like it.

Censorship: it’s not just for tin pot dictators and communist regimes anymore. It’s as American as running a massive deficit.

NASA Claims Moon Crash Was “Intentional”

In what may be the largest single act of C.Y.A. in the galaxy, NASA claims it intentionally crashed its latest mission into the surface of the Moon. The LCROSS Centaur rocket craft hit the Moon’s surface at approximately 4:30 Pacific time on Friday. Just a short time later a second NASA spacecraft also struck the surface, after passing through the ejected debris from the first crash.

NASA has been plagued with such failures in recent years, most spectacularly when a Mars lander crashed because the agency mis-calculated conversions from feet to meters. But this most recent event was passed-off as a “planned event” by NASA officials.

“We really meant to hit the Moon” a top NASA official said without requesting anonymity. “The second craft was designed to pass through the dust plume and search for signs of water. Really. This wasn’t a screw-up!”

The story was widely reported around the world, but was not accepted because as everyone knows there is no water on the Moon (even though it does reportedly resemble a “dirty beach”). NASA has become quite sensitive to such failures, especially since the Mars Spirit and Opportunity rover debacle, when the space agency predicted the rovers would last only weeks, but have in fact been operating for several years.

They Don’t Have A Nobel For Spending Money

U.S. President Barack Obama was awarded the Nobel Prize for Peace, making him the first recipient of that award who has never actually done anything to promote peace.

Obama said “I do not view it as a recognition of my own accomplishments, but rather as an affirmation of American leadership.” So if there were a Nobel for understatement he would have that one, too. The announcement by the Nobel Committee cited ” Obama’s incredible potential for accomplishing something some day” as the deciding factor in awarding the prize. “If and when he gets off the pot, we expect to see great strides toward global peace” the announcement announced.

Other Nobel awards announced at the same time: The Standing Still award, the Being Very Quiet For A Long Long Time award, the Managing To Not Be Noticed award, and of course the Taking Forever To Come Up With An Afghanistan Policy award, which Obama also won.

Alan Greenspan Also Won’t Go Away

What is it with these people? Don’t they know what “unemployed” means? It means “stop – this isn’t your job anymore!” Anyway, ex-(as-in no-longer)-Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan is predicitng 3% economic growth for the third quarter (we presume that’s this year). Earlier he was predicitng a 2.5% growth rate, but revised it because “fractions are so hard to contemplate”.

Ex-(as-in no-longer)-Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan tries to levitate the U.S. economy

Ex-(as-in no-longer)-Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan tries to levitate the U.S. economy

Greenspan also predicted tiny people with wings will start businesses all over the U.S. this winter, requiring massive amounts of labor and lowering unemployment figures “because they’re so tiny they can’t do much for themselves, like carry a cell phone or use a copier”. On the down-side, the glowy golden dust the little people leave behind them will drive-down the precious metals market, more than wiping out any gains.