Insubordinate Army Doctor Screws Pooch

Army veteran doctor Lt. Col Terrence Lakin refused to deploy overseas in a bid to force President Obama to make his birth certificate public. His ploy was to get himself a court-martial and contend Obama had no right to order him to Afghanistan because the President is not a born citizen of the United States. Military legal authorities say he has no chance of presenting such a case, since the refusal of an order is not affected by the status of the President. Lakin will probably be kicked out of the service.

Lakin is apparently among those who persist in denying the validity of the birth certificate Obama posted on the Internet. That certificate, along with multiple newspaper birth announcements dated August 4, 1961, have been called “fakes” by Obama opponents. In his bid for a legal venue to express his belief that Obama is not legally the President of the United States Lakin apparently took the advice of one Paul Rolf Jensen, who once worked as a military law clerk for three months. Although Jensen is apparently an attorney he is not an expert in military law.

This has prompted calls for a review of the Army’s testing requirements, partly because of Lakin’s demonstrated lack of intelligence, but also because he is backed by well-known lunatic and former Presidential candidate Alan Keyes. “If Keyes is for you, that’s an indication right there that maybe there is a psychological problem, and maybe the Army should have caught that before accepting Dr. Lakin as a recruit” said one source we can’t name for reasons of non-existence.

People who are convinced Obama is not a natural-born citizen are known as “birthers”, as well as “paranoid”, “desperate”, “pathetic”, “racist”, and “republican”.

iPad Crime Begins

Here’s a creepy little video on CNN of a man being robbed of his new iPad – and one of his fingers, apparently. You knew it was just a matter of time.

OMG Oprah’s A Lesbian!

Oh, wait, I don’t care.

OMG Oprah slept with John Tesh!

Okay, that kind of makes me sick going both ways.

Tiger Woods’ New Nike Ad

It's okay - his image has been rehabilitated

Teens Assault iPad In Broad Daylight

Over on YouTube there is this bit of post-modernist performance art wherein an iPad is beaten senseless with a baseball bat. The first time I saw this kind of art was when some kids destroyed a brand new XBox and a new PS3. But destroying a perfectly good Apple product is so much more symbolic of our society’s acceptance of corporate control. Remember the old MacIntosh commercial where the woman destroyed the screen with Big Brother on it? Things have now come full circle.

Also not to be missed: This episode of “Will It Blend” featuring the iPad.

Ways Real Life Is Different From FarmVille

People love to play FarmVille, mainly because it requires no thought at all and is much easier than real life. Here are the primary differences between FarmVille and reality:

  • In real life pigs do not shit truffles. They are slaughtered and turned into bacon. FarmVille would be a lot more fun if it worked like real life.
  • In real life gas costs more but lasts longer. And people don’t go around giving each other cans of gas as gifts – it’s far too precious to give away.
  • Real life has weather, insects, fungi, and droughts. FarmVille has “withering”, and you can even get around that by spending money.
  • In real life all the actual work is done by poor people from other countries who are kept in line by the constant threat of deportation.
  • In real life animals poop, pee, have wanton barnyard sex, and die at the drop of a hat. There are hugely expensive vet bills because animals can’t get health insurance, either.
  • In real life no one is making money by brushing their cat. There are no cat-fur sweaters. If there were PETA would be up in arms about it.
  • In real life farmers use lots of really dangerous, poisonous, cancer-causing chemicals so the food you buy at the supermarket will all be of uniform size, color, and texture, as if that mattered at all.
  • In real life the government would pay us to plant nothing.
  • In real life most of our farms would be in Central and South America where there aren’t so many pesky taxes, laws, and health and safety regulations. See above about chemicals.
  • In real life we’d be able to plant marijuana and make some real money.

Merry April Fools Day

This is GraceLessLand’s traditional day of rest while everyone else tells lies for a change.