Chavez Has Cancerous Tumor Removed In Cuba

Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez appears on state-run television after having a large tumor removed from between his ears.

Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez had a large cancerous tumor removed from his head at a hospital in Cuba. Chavez appeared on state-run VTV Thursday night to address Venezuelans and prove the surgery was a complete success.

“Aside from a few adjustments I will have to make regarding motor-functions, my intelligence level has been unaffected by the removal of the tumor. I will soon be home in Venezuela to resume my calm, stable, reasoned leadership.”

The broadcast abruptly ended when the camera accidentally panned to Chavez’ left, where a man could be seen with his hand entering the President’s back. The man’s lips seemed to be subtly moving in sync with the South American strong man’s words.

Sarkozy Grabbed By Assailant

French President Nicolas Sarkozy was grabbed by an unidentified assailant as he shook hands with a crowd in the town of Brax.

An unidentified assailant grabbed French President Nicolas Sarkozy by his jacket while Sarkozy met French citizens in the southern town of Brax. Sarkozy’s bodyguards wrestled the man to the ground and police took him onto custody. There is no information as to a motive for the attack.

Mating Turtles Delay Flights At JFK International

The annual turtle mating season has delayed flights at JFK International Airport as the turtles cross a runway to reach their mating grounds.

Mating turtles have blocked a runway at John F. Kennedy International Airport as they make their annual pilgrimage to adjacent wetlands. “It wouldn’t be so bad except for how long it takes them” a frustrated airport employee said. “And we have to keep hosing-off the runway.”

U.S. Nuclear Plants Threatened By Floods, Wild Fires

NRC spokesmen claim flooding around a Nebraska nuclear power plant poses no threat.

The Nuclear Regulatory Commission is downplaying disaster threats to U.S. nuclear plants in Nebraska and New Mexico. They claim there is no similarity to the disaster at the Fukushima nuclear plant in Japan.

“In Japan there was an earthquake followed by a flood of seawater. In Nebraska there was no earthquake and the plant is being flooded with fresh water – totally different thing. Unless the water gets higher than say two feet and two inches inches. Then it will pour into the containment vessels and you’ll see massive explosions and melt-downs that will sterilize the entire state. But there is absolutely no chance the water will exceed the safe depth.”

Nebraska disaster response officials say the water surrounding the plant is at two feet, with more rain on the way.

This nuclear plant at Los Alamos, New Mexico is in the path of raging wildfires - but an NRC spokesman says the flames won't get close enough to be a threat.

Meanwhile, in New Mexico, another nuclear plant at Los Alamos is surrounded by raging wildfires. Again an NRC spokesman says there is nothing to worry about. “This isn’t anything like Japan, where they had an earthquake, a flood, and then major fires at the Fukushima plant. There were no earthquakes or floods here. Earthquakes and flooding are the real problems – I mean the fire would have to completely consume that plant, and to do that there would have to be high temperatures combined with high wind – and what are the chances of that?”

The New Mexico weather service has predicted high temperatures combined with wind will sweep the state for the next several days.

Bachmann Compares Herself To Serial Killer

GOP presidential candidate Michele Bachmann confused John Wayne the actor with John Wayne Gacy the serial killer.

GOP presidential candidate Michele Bachmann said “I want them [voters] to know just like John Wayne is from Waterloo Iowa, that’s the spirit I have too,” while being interviewed on Fox News on Sunday. The only problem with that is John Wayne is from Winterset, Iowa, where the legendary actor was born. It was serial killer and evil clown painter John Wayne Gacy who lived in Bachmann’s home town of Waterloo.

When it was pointed out to Bachmann that she had made a mistake by comparing herself to the serial killer, she replied “No I didn’t”.

Study Finds BPA Turns Mice Gay

After a lifetime of swilling soda from BPA-lined cans this mouse no longer wants to explore or mate.

A study conducted at the University of Missouri–Columbia has found that male deer mice exposed to bisphenol A in the womb show signs of “demasculinization” and are less attractive to female deer mice. Bisphenol A, or BPA, is a chemical compound found in some hard plastics and can linings.

“The males were unable to navigate a maze and were ignored by females. They also seemed inordinately fond of watching reruns of ‘Sex In The City’ and Kathy Griffin and Margaret Cho specials on cable” said Cheryl Rosenfeld, Ph.D., the lead author of the study and an associate professor of biomedical sciences at the University. “And Justin Bieber! God, don’t ask about their response to Justin Bieber!”

Blagojevich Convicted Of Corruption

Ex-Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich leaves court after being convicted of 17 counts of corruption, including offering President Barack Obama's vacated Senate seat to the highest bidder.

TSA Stands By Adult Diaper Removal

This 95-year-old cancer patient was patted-down by TSA agents and then required to remove her adult diaper.

The Transportation Security Administration was unrepentant Sunday after a Florida woman complained that her cancer-stricken, 95-year-old mother was patted down and forced to remove her adult diaper while going through security.

A TSA manager remarked “Because of the bulkiness of the undergarment TSA agents had reason to be concerned that the passenger in question may have been smuggling some sort of contraband. Unfortunately for the agents it turned-out that, in a sense, she was.”

Michele Bachmann Says Family Didn’t Benefit From Govt Aid

GOP presidential candidate Michele Bachmann explains how government money that went to her family doesn't make her a hypocrite when she talks about being a fiscal conservative.

GOP and Tea Party candidate Michele Bachmann told a Fox News interviewer she has a “titanium spine for doing what we need to do” and a “fiberglass anus for bullshitting the American people”.

Bachmann addressed a Los Angeles Times report that her family has received government aid by claiming the money did not directly benefit her family. Her husband’s counseling business received approximately $30,000 for “employee training”, but Bachmann says that didn’t benefit him because “he wouldn’t have spent his own money on employee training – so he didn’t save anything there.”

Bachmann’s father-in-law received approximately $260,000 to help his farm, but Bachmann says “that money was to keep him from growing corn, because if he had grown corn there would have been more corn on the market, and the price of corn would have gone down, so he would have lost money on corn, if he had grown any”. Bachmann’s father-in-law died in 2009, but the congresswoman remains a partner in the farm.

Bachmann paints herself as an anti-deficit, anti-welfare, anti-Medicare, anti-human fiscal conservative. She has often criticized President Barack Obama’s “stimulus” policies, while at the same time she requested stimulus funding for her congressional district. She has also said that congressional “pork” is perhaps the biggest problem in Washington today, but said her own earmarks for transportation funds aren’t pork: “They’re maybe bologna – but all-beef, and maybe a little turkey – but no pork!”

Fox News Screen Grab

A completely unretouched screen grab from FoxNews.com.

Obviously She’s Been Drinking

Just because you've been drinking there's no reason to make these rash, irrational statements.

 

Obama Supports Equal Rights Sort-Of

President Obama declares his nearly unconditional support of equal rights for gay couples

At a fundraising appearance in New York President Barack Obama declared his support for equal rights for gay couples – without actually using the contentious word “marriage”.

“I believe that gay couples deserve the same legal rights as every couple in this country,” Obama said, while adding “as long as it’s not called the same thing it’s called for everyone else – I’m not an idiot, after all, and I know there are some people who are so ignorant and shallow they just want to reserve the word ‘marriage’ for themselves. It helps make them feel superior. And if that’s what it takes to cow-tow to the left while still getting money from the center, well, let’s just say I’m not above playing to both sides.”

Obama spoke on the same day the New York legislature passed a bill authorizing same-sex marriage throughout the state – the sixth and largest state to do so. “If this were some state below the Mason-Dixon line, I wouldn’t even be talking about this, because I want to remain President of the United States, and I know the best way to do that is to avoid being wholly committed to any issue.”

Obama went on to say he’s prepared to appear to fight a little for what he claims to believe in: “I’ll back equal rights for gay couples the same way I backed health care reform: half-heartedly, partially, and fully prepared to back-down at the slightest hint of political resistance from the Republicans.”

Peter Falk Dies At Age 83

R.I.P. Peter Falk 1927 - 2011

We all remember him as “Columbo”, but Peter Falk had a long and varied career on television and in movies. He started in television in the 1950s on shows such as “Robert Montgomery Presents” and “Kraft Theater”. In the 1960s he did comedic movies including Stanley Kramer’s “It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad World” and “Robin And The 7 Hoods”. And in 1968 he created the role of “Columbo”, which he would return to over the next 35 years.

Falk did some of his most compelling work in partnership with his good friend John Cassavetes: “Husbands” in 1970, “A Woman Under The Influence” in 1974, and “Mikey And Nicky” in 1976 (directed by Elaine May).

In 1984 Falk appeared as the grandfather character who narrates “The Princess Bride”. Prior to that he appeared in the whodunnit send-ups “Murder By Death” (1976) and “The Cheap Detective” (1978). In 2009 Falk made his final appearance in the film “American Cowslip” with Diane Ladd, Bruce Dern, and Val Kilmer.

Equally at home in comedy and drama Falk never had those “dry” periods that actors often experience – he was always in demand as his IMDB entry shows. His gruff voice, everyman looks, glass eye, and ability to fit these attributes to almost any role kept him in demand. He lost the eye when he was three due to cancer.

Contrary to popular belief Falk was not of Italian ancestry: his father “was of Russian Jewish ancestry and his mother was of Polish Jewish, with a mix of Hungarian and Czech Jewish ancestry further back” according to IMDB.

Also contrary to popular belief his “Columbo” rain coat is not in the Smithsonian – he claimed it was in his “upstairs closet”. If you’d like a “Columbo” raincoat of your own you can get a brand new one from Freeman’s Sporting Club. And did you ever wonder why a detective in Los Angeles wore a raincoat, anyway?

Poll Shows Voters Disatisfied With GOP Candidates

Seven of the approximately 2,000 GOP presidential candidates at the recent New Hampshire debate.

A national Bloomberg News Poll indicates that likely GOP voters don’t find much to get excited over in the current crop of 2012 presidential candidates. 58% of voters likely to vote for a GOP candidate “hoped another candidate would throw their hat in the ring”.

Of that group, 34% couldn’t tell the difference between Tim Pawlenty and Rick Santorum. 43% disliked Mitt Romney because his facial expression never changes. 100% thought Ron Paul is insane. 63% would vote for Herman Cain if they got a free pizza. And finally 86% of voters likely to vote GOP thought Newt Gingrich and Michele Bachmann were too small to hold office.

54% of those polled say they will likely vote to re-elect President Obama just because they figure he’s already screwed-up as is much is humanly possible and can only get better in a second term. 30% of those voters say they will definitely vote for Obama because they are unimaginative and dull.

1.6 Million Flee Flooding In China

Desperate mainland Chinese wade to safety in Taiwan.

al Zawahiri Elected To Lead al Qaeda

Ayman al Zawahiri has been selected to lead the al Qaeda terrorist organization following the surprise resignation of Osama bin Laden. “Al was the only real choice” one jihadi said, adding “really – he was the only choice – he was the only one on the ballot”.

Ayman al Zawahiri has been chosen to lead the al Qaeda terrorist organization by a landslide vote of 1.

Photographic enhancement reveals what that thing on al Zawahiri’s forehead is:

al Zawahiri has apparently found new ways to bring money into al Qaeda's coffers.

Mariah Carey And Nick Cannon Reflect On Birth Of Twins

Nick Cannon says his wife Mariah Carey found motherhood to be a real “eye-opener”. “As you know, Mariah’s not the sharpest tack in the carpet – she was as surprised when they were born as she was when they were conceived.”

“Nobody told me I would get so fat” Carey mused. “Or that they would be so much bigger coming out as when they went in.”

Carey is of course famous for her many hit songs, and for her reaction to seeing pictures of starving children, when she said she’d love to be that thin, except for “the flies and death and stuff”.

Mariah Carey and husband Nick Cannon are the proud if somewhat surprised parents of twins.

Serbs Boo Amy Winehouse Off Stage

An audience in Belgrade, Serbia booed singer Amy Winehouse as she stumbled through her songs and aimlessly wandered about the stage this weekend. The obviously intoxicated Winehouse even brought a backup singer to her microphone to fill-in at one point, then left the stage with a contemptuous wave of her hand toward the jeering audience.

A representative for the famously drug and alcohol-addled Grammy-winner announced cancellation of her next two shows and probably the rest of her career. “She wasn’t drunk or high” the rep stated. “It’s that huge wig she wears – the pressure on her cranium makes her black-out.”

Amy Winehouse is booed by a concert audience in Serbia. If you bomb this bad in Serbia, you really BOMBED.

U.S. Drops Charges Against Osama bin Laden

The United States dropped all criminal charges against al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden yesterday. “It’s rather embarrassing” Attorney General Eric Holder said. “I’m sure if the President had known the charges would be dropped he wouldn’t have killed him. We should probably have some kind of law that states people are innocent until proven guilty, or something.”

Or maybe we just shouldn’t waste time making formal charges against someone we have absolutely no plans to ever bring to trial, but instead shoot on sight. Not that shooting bin Laden was a bad thing, just maybe injudicious if there were actual pending criminal charges against him.

Osama bin Laden reacts to news the U.S. has formally dropped all charges against him.

Riots Break Out In China

Riots broke-out in Xintang, China and officials from the Chinese government say “Western agitators” are responsible for the unrest, although it’s hard to see what connection there might be to events in the Western Hemisphere.

Rioters in Xintang, China took to the streets and overturned cars.

Saudi Women Take To Streets – In Cars

Women in Saudi Arabia defied religious edicts and drove in the conservative Arab country’s streets Friday. Saudi Arabia is the only country in the world that does not allow women to drive.

The protest was organized via social networking services such as Facebook and Twitter, after a Saudi Woman was arrested for defying the ban. Manal al Sharif was taken into custody on May 22nd and forced to sign a pledge not to drive again before she was released. The “Women2Drive” campaign was organized in response to al Sharif’s arrest.

Muslim clerics in Saudi Arabia say women should not be allowed to drive, or even to travel unless accompanied by an adult male, because of the possibility of becoming “westernized”. To prove their point they issued the following photographic evidence:

Weiner Pulls Out

Rep. Anthony Weiner (D – NY) has resigned his seat in the House Of Representatives due to a scandal involving sexual “relationships” with various women over the Internet. The move comes just a few days after Weiner’s wife Huma Abedin returned from an overseas trip. Abedin is an aide to U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, who knows a thing or two about this kind of situation.

Anthony Weiner's wife Huma Abedin returned from a trip overseas and immediately took steps to see that Weiner's behavior will not be repeated.

Weiner has admitted to engaging in sexual behavior over the past three years via email, telephone, and through social networking services such as Twitter and Facebook. Several women have come forward to verify Weiner’s behavior, and the startling size of his…ego..

Conservative blogger Andrew Breitbart broke the story of Anthony Weiner's online activities.

Porn star Ginger Lee has accused Weiner of telling her to lie to the media about their online relationship. Lee has since associated herself with scandal-chaser Gloria Allred in an attempt to cash-in on the controversy. With luck there will be little interest in her tawdry story now that Weiner has resigned.

Rep. Anthony Weiner reflects on lessons learned shortly before announcing his resignation with a distinct lisp.

Vancouver Fans Riot After Losing Stanley Cup

Vancouver Canuck fans rioted in the city’s streets Thursday after the Boston Bruins won the Stanley Cup final 4-0. Furious Canuck fans burned cars, looted stores, and had sex in the middle of the road to protest the fact their team couldn’t beat a bunch of Americans at Canada’s second favorite national sport (the first of course being Freestyle Canoe Dancing).

A hockey game broke-out at a riot in Vancouver B.C. Thursday, and then the riot resumed with traditional car burning.

Some fans took the opportunity to show their support for the team by throwing empty beer bottles at police while chanting the Canadian national anthem “Oh Canada Ice-Bound Appendage Of The United States”. Others decided to mark the event by conceiving a child in the road.

The funny part is these two weren't even at the Stanley Cup final game - they were already doing this when the rioting started.

Police suspect some of the fans may have been drinking, which is a good bet as beer is considered to be a fundamental food group in Canada.

A typical Canadian breakfast

Five Things We Learned From the New Hampshire Debate

The seven Republican candidates size each other up as the debate begins.

Sometimes we have to interpret the stuff the mainstream media puts out there in the guise of “information”.

1: Michele Bachmann can’t make up her mind until the last minute. She announced at the debate that she had just filed as a candidate.

2: Mitt Romney thinks he has already won the primaries. He spread the love for his GOP rivals while focusing on President Obama – and was careful never to mention Osama bin Laden. Instead he targeted Obama’s failure to turn-around Bush’s recession. It was as if the other six people on stage were just there to fill space to his left and his right – CNN strategically placed Romney in the center of the lineup.

3: Tim Pawlenty is a wimp. Before the debate he was lumping Obama and Romney together for their health care policies, dubbing them “Obamneycare”. At the debate Pawlenty bowed and scraped to Romney as if he thought Romney had already won the primaries, too. Maybe he’s bucking for a Romney/Pawlenty ticket.

4: Michele Bachmann may be a ventriloquist dummy. Her head barely showed above the podium. How do we know her lips were actually moving in sync with the words?

5: Newt Gingrich has nothing new to say. He should change his name to “Oldt”. Of course this turned-out well for him in the debate, since all his campaign people quit on him the day before. But Newt just spewed the same old “Contract On America” garbage – no need for a new script.

The Results Of The New Hampshire Republican Debate

Seven of the over two hundred GOP presidential candidates met in New Hampshire for a debate, sponsored by CNN. Though they all tried to differentiate themselves from their competition, the results were mixed.

It quickly became obvious that Tim Pawlenty and Rick Santorum are the same person: they look the same, sound the same, and say the same things. But Pawlenty/Santorum gets agility points for moving so quickly between podiums.

Michele Bachmann and Newt Gingrich are the same height, and though Gingrich has her on weight and reach, Bachmann is somewhat lighter on her feet.

Mitt Romney and Herman Cain are both members of minority communities: Cain is black and Romney is plastic.

Only Ron Paul managed to make himself stand out by constantly implying that all issues are bullshit except getting rid of almost all laws and the Federal Reserve, as he revealed his vision of a Darwinian America based on the principle of “dog-eat-dog”.

The seven candidates struggle to look like different people.

Constituents Protest Weiner

Voters from Queens gathered to both protest and support embattled Rep. Anthony Weiner (D – NY). Shouting “I don’t want my kids to see Weiner!” and “I voted for Weiner, not wiener!” the crowd of angry protesters demanded Weiner resign. Supporters, including a contingent from the Borough Rest Home For Ladies and an all-male choir group, insisted Weiner should remain in office, although they would like him to spend more time in the district “getting to know his constituents”.

Voters from Rep. Anthony Weiner's congressional district gathered bearing signs that proclaimed their opposition or support of the congressman who tweeted his wiener.

Steve Jobs Reveals New Apple HQ

It’s a big ring on top of a mountain. It’s kind-of like the biggest ring-toss game ever. And not only are they going to build the huge circular building to house 13,000 Apple employees, but they’re going to build the mountain, too. The new Apple HQ will be situated on 150 landscaped acres, apparently without roads or parking facilities anywhere near it. Everyone will have to hike in or arrive on burros.

An artist's misconception of the new Apple HQ building, set to break ground in 1012 and to be completed by 2015, and departing for Saturn in 2016.

Anthony Weiner Calls Bill Clinton

Rep. Anthony Weiner (D – NY) called ex-president Bill Clinton to express his remorse over lying about “inappropriate” online relationships.

Clinton advised Weiner to be patient: “Look at what happened to me – if you just wait things will blow over. Sure things suck right now, and the media will chew you up and spit you out, but you just have to swallow your pride and take your licks.”

IATA Unveils “Checkpoint Of The Future”

The International Air Transport Association unveiled a mock-up of what it calls the “Security Checkpoint Of The Future”. The high-tech station will herd travelers into one of three security lanes depending on how much information is available about them.

The IATA "Checkpoint Of The Future" features three security levels that aren't in any way based on profiling.

Crack Spikes: Gaga Again

I am so glad to be alive at this particular time in history.