President, Congressional Leaders Strike Debt Agreement

President Barack Obama explains the reasoning behind doing just about nothing.

President Barack Obama and House and Senate leaders announced today they have reached an agreement on the U.S. debt. The plan calls for increasing the nation’s debt ceiling to avoid default, and then convening some kind of congressional committee later sometime to do something about reducing the deficit, maybe.

The plan might reduce spending by a trillion dollars someday, and there might also be tax reform to increase revenues, although no one is sure.

The agreement does clear the way for both Republicans and Democrats to move forward with their election campaigns without the distraction of taking care of the nation’s business, and without being pinned-down to any real policy that might prove unpopular with one or the others’ constituencies.

So after weeks of fighting, arguing, whining, moaning, crying, threatening, and acting like spoiled children, the nation’s leaders have decided to go back to business as usual.

Go figure.

House GOP: No Vote On Boehner Debt Plan

The Republican caucus of the U.S. House of Representatives has called-off a vote on House Speaker John Boehner’s debt reduction plan at the last possible second when it became clear there isn’t enough Republican support to pass the bill. GOP representatives have scheduled a meeting for Friday morning at which Boehner is expected to continue to cry like a little baby as he begs and pleads with his own party not to abandon him to the wrath of the ultra-right-wing “Tea Party” splinter of the Republican party.

A teary-eyed John Boehner meets with journalists after the announcement that the vote on his debt reduction plan has been cancelled.

Tea Party Thinking About A Boehner Enema

The Tea Party isn’t pleased with Boehner’s behind-the-scenes attempts to squirm out of driving the country to the poor house.

A screen grab from FoxNews.com.

Boehner Criticizes Party Unfaithful

“Get your ass in line,” House Speaker John Boehner told his fellow Republicans in the face of divisive infighting over his latest debt-reduction proposal. “You’re Republicans, damn it! You’re not supposed to think for yourselves – you’re supposed to park your brains at the door!”

Washington Phones, Email, Web Sites Jammed

Last night President Barack Obama asked citizens to let their congressional representatives know they want an end to partisan bickering on the debt, and all lines of communication into the nation’s capital were jammed today, but who was calling depended on who you asked.

Democrats claim the communications are in favor of their “balanced” approach of taxes on the wealthy and more profligate borrowing.

Republicans claim these calls are just “liberal activists” and that most callers support the Boehner plan of fueling the economy with the burning dead bodies of the poor and elderly.

If a compromise isn’t found before August 2, the U.S. government will be unable to pay bills – most importantly the interest on money it’s already borrowed. This will cause lenders to lower the nation’s credit rating, drive up interest rates, and send the stock market crashing. All things each side can blame the other for in upcoming elections.

The House of Representatives phone was jammed due to the high numbers of callers.

Leaders Of The Free World Address U.S. Citizens

It was kind of like they were trying to get their mom to mediate a dispute.

President Barack Obama and House Speaker John Boehner appealed directly to the American people in their attempts to find a solution to the debt stalemate.

President To Address Nation On Failed Debt Talks

President Barack Obama will address the nation at 6 pm Pacific time on the failed debt negotiations with House and Senate leaders. Obama is expected to place blame for the failure exactly where it belongs.

President Obama is expected to give his version of why the debt talks broke down.

No Sex For Seniors

Because of the easy availability of so-called “potency” drugs like Viagra and Cialis, emergency rooms all over the world are being clogged with old people who should not have been having sex. Sure the number of heart attacks and strokes has gone up, but the number one cause of senior emergency room visits is now wrinkle-lock: two old people becoming essentially Velcroed together due to the intersection of their wobbly epidermis.

This is placing an unsustainable burden on our health care system, and it’s time for governments to act: senior sex must be banned – not only is it wasting precious health care resources, it’s just icky to even think about.

FAA Shuts-Down Due To Congressional Inaction

From CNN:

Almost 4,000 Federal Aviation Administration workers are facing furloughs after Congress adjourned Friday without passing a measure to reauthorize the agency’s funding, according to the Transportation Department.

A $2.5 billion program providing grants for airport construction projects also will shut down, and thousands of construction jobs could be jeopardized.

Secretary Ray LaHood said “The safety of the flying public will not be compromised” because if he said “people are going to fucking die” he might lose his job.

Way to fix the economy, jerkwads. How long will it be before airplanes start falling out of the sky? Because as we all know the airline industry has a lousy record of maintaining aircraft without the FAA being constantly up their asses.

Boehner Walks On Debt Talks At Last Minute

House Majority Leader John Boehner (R – Ohio) called-off debt talks with President Obama, rejecting a compromise deal at the last minute Friday. Obama said he felt Boehner had “left [him] at the altar”, though no one suspected that a marriage proposal was part of the deal – though this could explain the President’s recent change of policy on same-sex marriage.

Just before the latest round of talks Boehner announced that a deal had to be made today, as any legislation to raise the national debt ceiling must be posted Monday for a House vote by Wednesday. He says the Wednesday deadline is necessary because his party “is going to pull every dirty procedural trick in the book to bog the thing down in the Senate – just to be a bunch of pricks.”

House Speaker John Boehner has just one more little condition before agreeing to a debt reduction deal.

Wendi Deng, Kung-Fu Spouse

Wendi Deng-Murdoch’s valiant slap-down of a shaving-cream-pie-wielding assailant wasn’t the first time she used her David Carradinesque kung-fu moves to protect her billionaire-media-magnate husband Rupert Murdoch. (Hang-on, I’m hyphen-ventilating….okay, to continue….) Below is a photo taken of the couple sometime prior to the pie incident:

Note that while Murdoch seems to be unaware of the katana-wielding assassin behind him, Ms. Deng has her left ear strategically unobstructed by her hair.

Hearing the faint swishing of the razor-sharp blade as it cut a deadly arc through the air, she turned in a lightning-fast reflex to the threat, grasped the attacker’s wrist, and deftly flung him over her shoulder and to the floor where bodyguards proceeded to kick him to death. It’s unfortunate that her incredibly swift actions were too fast for the camera to capture.

The Final Shuttle Landing

The space shuttle Atlantis touched-down on a runway in Florida at 2:59 am Pacific time this morning – the last time one of the shuttle fleet will do so. The fleet flew for 30 years: the first launch of a shuttle into orbit took place April 12, 1981.

The U.S.S.R. launched Sputnik 1, the first artificial satellite to reach Earth orbit, on October 4, 1957, and it burned-up on re-entry on January 4, 1958. The first U.S. satellite, Explorer 1, was launched on January 31, 1958. The word “aerospace” was supposedly coined on February 2. The U.S. Congress created the National Aeronautics and Space Administration on July 29, and NASA launched its first satellite, Pioneer 1, on October 11.

I was born on the last day of 1958. So, the U.S. space program and myself are about the same age. I was one of those kids that read science fiction stories about space travel. I followed the space program the way other kids followed baseball. I watched the first Apollo Moon landing on TV on July 20, 1969 (along with about 500 million other people). I watched the first shuttle launch on TV in a college classroom in ’81. And a few minutes ago I watched the last shuttle landing on TV – satellite TV.

Now I wonder – will I see U.S. astronauts go back into space in my lifetime?

They Should Have Used A Bigger Boat

A Great White shark leaped into a research team’s boat off the coast of South Africa. The six-member team was collecting data approximately 241 miles west of Cape Town when the shark breached, leaped into the air, and landed in the stern of their research craft.

This Great White shark seemed upset that researchers were collecting data about it - much like a cell phone user that gets hacked by a newspaper.

The shark was eventually released back into the sea, but not until after it was taken to shore, lifted out of the boat by a crane, and then beached itself in a harbor. To help it deal with stress a veterinarian prescribed two human-shaped Xanax.

The shark later felt deep remorse for its impulsive actions.

Man Gives Rupert Murdoch The Pie

A man assaulted media kingpin Rupert Murdoch with a shaving-cream pie as Murdoch testified at a Parliamentary inquiry in London. Below is a frame-by-frame analysis of the attack:

Immediately post-pie-impact: an aide to Rupert Murdoch attempts to shield her boss.

Pie-impact +0.01 seconds: Mrs. Murdoch senses the aide isn't doing enough violent harm to the assailant and rises from her seat behind the now em-pied media baron. An unidentified Murdoch toady rises and moves left to wrap his arms around Murdoch in what is known as "the embrace of security".

Pie-impact +0.02 seconds: Mrs. Murdoch delivers a right hay-maker somewhat over the shoulder to the side of the assailant's head. At the same time the unidentified toady elbows her out of the way, causing her to fall on top of the aide, who then unknowingly tackles the assailant. At pie impact +0.08 seconds police arrive to disentangle the assailant, the aide, and Mrs. Murdoch.

 

Government Paid For Gay Penis Study

A study of the effect of penis size on gay men’s sex lives and health that was funded in part by the Federal Government is being cited as an example of tax dollar waste by the Traditional Values Coalition.

“This country is broke and we cannot spend money on this kind of stuff,” said Andrea Lafferty, president of the Coalition. “This is just another example of the liberal gay agenda that is taking our country toward socialism. Why wasn’t a study done on the effect of penis size on heterosexual sex? Now there’s something we should be spending money on! But to save money we should engage volunteers to collect information. I’d volunteer.”

“The data were not collected using taxpayer funds,” Jeffrey Parsons, a professor with Hunter College, said in an email. “National Institutes of Health funds were not used to measure anyone’s penis size. I spent my own money on that. And it cost a lot in spotting guys drinks and on motel rooms, let me tell you.”

A similar study on the effect of “butt-cheek tension” was also cited by the TVC as an example of “institutional waste”.

Democrats Wallop Republicans 8-2

The 50th annual Congressional Baseball Game ended in an 8 – 2 victory for Democrats, who were spurred-on by their cheerleader Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D – CA). “This is probably the only congressional battle we’re going to win for another year at least – so it feels great!” Pelosi said.

The game has been played since 1909 with sporadic interruptions for stuff like wars and depressions. Proceeds from the event go to charity.

House minority leader Nancy Pelosi congratulates the victors in the 50th annual Congressional Baseball Game.

Chavez To Return To Cuba For Treatment

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez announced he will return to Cuba to undergo chemotherapy treatment.

“I have faith in God, in medical science … in the people who have taken care of me and finally in myself,” he said during a message broadcast on state TV.

But Chavez apparently has no faith in Venezuelan health care, which must be pretty bad if he’s going to Cuba for treatment. Cuban authorities announced they have a 1958 Ford Edsel ambulance standing-by at the airport to take Chavez to the hospital when he arrives.

This Cuban ambulance is always on standby to whisk Hugo Chavez to the hospital any time he needs it.

Inside The Washington Debt Summit

A candid exchange between President Obama and congressional leaders Cantor, Boehner, and McConnell at the Washington debt summit meeting.

Oh, no – you won’t catch Mitch McConnell out that easily! Moments after this attempted trickery the President left the room in a huff.

FoxNipple.com

Anyone who has the stomach to visit FoxNews.com on a regular basis knows they prominently feature more T&A than all other news sites combined. It’s just another of those Fox Features that says “tabloid” in large bleeding letters. But I think we may have reached a milestone of sorts. Today, FoxNews.com ran its “Fox 411″ gossip column with a story about one of Charlie Sheen’s professional girlfriends appearing in Playboy magazine.

This is a screen grab of the "Fox 411" column about ex-Charlie Sheen "goddess" Bree Olson's appearance in Playboy. Two sections of the article are set side-by-side in this otherwise un-mucked-with image.

It’s the shot on the right that puts Fox over-the-top here: that’s real pink nipple you see under her diaphanous raiment. Here’s a stunning close-up:

The fine little pucker-button in question.

Now is one little nipple a big deal on the porn-drenched Internet? Not really – unless it appears on a site that has about a dozen conservative pundits who invoke their diamond-hard belief in “family values” about 80 times a day.

I once kept statistics on the amount of tits and ass on FoxNews.com as compared with CNN, ABC,NBC,CBS, and PBS. Fox ran nearly SIX TIMES more boobs-’n-buns than the closest competitor (CNN) over the course of a month. The reason why is obvious: people aren’t going to a media outlet featuring the likes of Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly for the intellectual stimulation.

Mr. And Mrs. Prince William Visit L.A.

Prince William reassures a commoner that it's not her fault she's inferior.

Britain’s Prince William and his wife Catherine the Great Piece of Tail visited Los Angeles where they hobnobbed with film stars, played in a charity polo match, dined at exclusive restaurants, and spent just short of an hour enduring a visit to a Skid Row children’s center.

At one point Wills actually touched a poor child, but his hand was encased in a special “micro-derm” rubber glove that is nearly invisible but still effective at keeping the poverty off of him. The unfortunate young girl was instantly impregnated, however, since royal DNA cannot be contained by any substance known to man (and unfortunately for them, woman).

Between them the Prince and his Mrs. were wearing enough expensive clothing and jewelry to feed all the children the room until they graduate from college – which just her shoes would have covered if auctioned on EBay.

Upon leaving Skid Row in their armor plated Rolls Royce a huge sigh of relief was heard and the windows of the limo steamed up.