Researchers Hack Voting Machines

Innocent voting machines like this one may be subject to hacking for as little as $26.00, as demonstrated by researchers.

Computer scientists have demonstrated several ways to hack electronic voting machines. “It’s easy and cheap, and you can control the machines by remote from miles away” said one anonymous hacker working for the Republican Party Voter Fraud Development Labs in Fort Leavenworth, Kansas.

“We’re going to sue!” cried another researcher from the Democrat Social Realignment Via Electronic Direct Action group based in San Quentin, California. “We pioneered this technique right after the Florida elections in 2000!”

Circus Surrounding MJ Trial Full Of Clowns

They often style themselves as “advocates” who are “working for” Michael Jesus…err – JACKSON. They congregate outside the courthouse where Dr. Conrad Murray is being tried for involuntary manslaughter in the death of the famously freakish pop star. Some of them look like this:

This man is a minister. Guess who he worships.

Diana Nyad Quits Latest Attempt To Swim Florida Channel

Swimmer Diana Nyad has given-up her third attempt to swim from Cuba to Florida after being stung by jellyfish twice.

Diana Nyad, endurance swimmer and multiple record-holder, has stopped her third attempt to swim from Cuba to Florida after being stung by jellyfish, encountering swift currents, and realizing it was a really long way to swim, after all.

The GraceLessLand Tax Reform Initiative

Here is our proposal for a new, streamlined tax schedule:

A) If you don’t clean your own toilet, your taxes will be increased.

B) If you do clean your own toilet, your taxes will remain the same.

C) Unless you clean someone else’s toilet, in which case your taxes will decrease.

Cain Wins Big In Florida Straw Poll

Businessman Herman Cain grew almost 12 full inches as a result of winning the Florida 5 straw poll.

Pizza magnate Herman Cain upset the entire GOP presidential race Saturday by winning the straw poll at the Florida 5 convention held by the state Republican party. Cain took a massive 37% of the vote, more than doubling Texas Governor Rick Perry’s 15.4%, and Mitt Romney’s 14%.

Perry is currently leading national polls, with Romney running second and Cain a distant also-ran. However, because of Florida’s traditional disproportionate effect on national politics, and the state’s traditional electoral incompetence, it is difficult to judge how Cain’s win in the unofficial and non-binding straw poll may affect the race. Perry may actually die as a result, and Romney may lose the ability to feed and dress himself.

Other candidates divided-up the spare change: former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum (10.9%), Texas Rep. Ron Paul (10.4%), former House Speaker Newt Gingrich (8.4%), Guy From Utah (2.26%) and Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann (1.5%). Numbers that are essentially statistically insignificant.

Actually the entire thing is insignificant, considering only 2,657 votes were cast, and those by drunks who were farting corndogs.

Chaos Follows Repeal Of Don’t-Ask-Don’t-Tell

The military policy of “Don’t-Ask-Don’t-Tell”, under which gays could serve as long as they remained closeted, was officially ended Monday. The Army, Air Force, Navy, and Marines were immediately plunged into disarray as gangs of marauding gays accosted straight soldiers in showers, redesigned uniforms to feel more “festive”, and lowered unit morale by being openly identified as gay rather than being covertly identified as gay, like everyone didn’t know already.

The repeal is not without cost. Significant budgetary allotments had to be made to create a whole new generation of hygiene films. Almost $1 million was spent on painting images of scantily clad men on the noses of bombers. And a vast amount of time and money was expended adding new syncopated moves to march drills including high-kicks, the turn-and-flip, and of course the splits.

But perhaps the most significant change has been the renaming of naval vessels. The aircraft carrier “Ronald Wilson Reagan” is now “The Raging Ronnie”, while various smaller vessels are now carrying designations such as “Seafood”, “Thar He Blows”, and of course a whole plethora of “Atlantic Queens”, “Pacific Queens”, and a mine sweeper called the “Drag Queen”.

We don’t even want to get into what they’re now calling things like missiles, torpedoes, submarines, and deep burrowing smart bombs.

There seems to have been a huge surge in transfer requests, as large numbers of service members are asking to be sent to the “rear echelons”.

American Hikers Freed From Captivity In Iraq

American hikers Josh Fattal and Shane Bauer have been released from prison in Iraq after posting $1 million in bri- err...BAIL.

Two American hikers who had been imprisoned in Iraq as spies were released Wednesday after over two years in captivity. Josh Fattal and Shane Bauer were arrested on the Iran/Iraq border and accused of being spies. A third hiker, Sarah Shourd, was released last year for “medical reasons”. Since then Shourd has tirelessly traveled nowhere near the Middle East as she spoke out in her companions’ defense.

The Sultan of Oman brokered the release of the pair in return for $1 million in bribe bail money, which was not paid by the U.S. “Those were completely different dollars we gave to Iran – they were nothing like the dollars the U.S. gave us” the Sultan said.

The release comes just a day before Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is due to speak at the United Nations General Assembly in New York, where no one is going to pay any more attention to him than they usually do.

Iranian officials said Fattal and Bauer had not actually been convicted of espionage as reported in the global media, but instead were held for “psychiatric evaluation. I mean who would go hiking along our border with Iraq but a bunch of lunatics?”

Bachmann Says Immunizations Cause Retardation

While we’re fairly certain GOP presidential nomination candidate Michele Bachmann knows all about being retarded, she admits her claim that human papilloma virus immunizations given to children in Texas cause mental retardation is purely anecdotal. Bachmann tells how “a woman” at a campaign event told her the woman’s daughter became mentally disabled after receiving the shot.

Bachmann’s famous recalcitrance to admit a mistake was in full force, however, as she refused to deny the claim was false, only that people need to talk to the unknown, unidentified source to determine the truth. Therefore, in Bachmann’s alternate reality, she is merely a reporter or even a human recording of the woman’s claim – and so not in any way wrong.

Numerous medical authorities have stated categorically that the human papilloma virus vaccine does not cause mental retardation.

GOP presidential hopeful (Wing and a Prayer Division) Michele Bachmann relates yet another of her anecdotal second-hand facts.

Ron Paul Wins California Straw Poll

Republican presidential hopeful Ron Paul reacts to the news he won the California GOP straw poll.

Ron Paul, hyper-active Republican presidential candidate and Tigger look-alike, took 44.9% of the vote in the California straw poll. Texas Governor Rick Perry was a distant second with 29.3% of the votes. Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney was third with 8.8% of the votes. The other GOP candidates split the remaining paltry 12%.

Of course, considering there were only 833 ballots cast, you could kind of call the entire thing “paltry”.

Missing Colorado Cat Found In NYC

The cat dreamed of a career on Broadway.

Five years after disappearing from its home in Colorado, a cat named Willow has been found in New York City. Willow had dreams of becoming an actress, but fell on hard times and became a homeless crack addict turning tricks in alleyways. After being apprehended Willow was identified and reunited with her family.

Perry Is Target Of Opportunity In Latest GOP Debate

The candidates line up before the debate so an audience member can identify the person who stole her purse.

In a case of fairly strange bedfellows, CNN and the Tea Party Express put on a GOP debate at the Florida State Fairgrounds in Tampa. Texas Governor Rick Perry is ahead in the polls, and the other candidates took every opportunity to criticize him for his statements about Social Security and his record in Texas. Only Newt Gingrich stayed above the fray as he continued his campaign to seem like the “nice” candidate who refuses to spar with other Republicans.

When called on his support of a law requiring prepubescent girls to be immunized against the human papilloma virus, a sexually transmitted disease that can lead to cervical cancer, Perry responded “I will always err on the side of human life – and since I may have unprotected sex with some of these girls in the near future, my life needs to be protected.” Michele Bachmann pointed-out that one of Perry’s aides was associated with a pharmaceutical company that made a profit from the legislation, but Perry had a ready response to the allegation of influence peddling: “That was part of my jobs plan – that’s how we create jobs by helping companies expand into new markets like prepubescent girls.”

The audience applauded Ron Paul when he said the economy would improve if we didn’t spend trillions of dollars on foreign wars. The crowd seemed to like the idea of saving money. But Paul drew derisive boos when he tried to make the case that terrorism is a result of arrogant American foreign policies instead of a rabid and unreasoning hatred of Americans because we’re so free, good, and pure, as Rick Santorum insisted.

Businessman Herman Cain said very little because moderator Wolf Blitzer didn’t ask him any questions. Blitzer tried to send some questions Cain’s way, but every time he did members of the Tea Party audience brandished nooses and buckets of hot tar.

After the debate a poll showed that most voters thought Rick Perry was a plastic department store dummy that can talk, while Mitt Romney drew the most votes for “inflatable life raft”. As usual Ron Paul took the prize for “most incoherent”, while The Guy From Utah and Rick Santorum tied for “who are those guys, anyway?”. Candidates Bachmann and Gingrich were in their usual tie for “most difficult to see behind the podium”.

The Jimmy Hoffa Jr. vs. The Tea Party Controversy

Hoffa attempts to clarify his earlier statement.

Teamsters Union president Jimmy Hoffa Jr. likened the political struggle between unions and conservatives to a war, saying “We got to keep an eye on the battle that we face: The war on workers. And you see it everywhere, it is the Tea Party. And you know, there is only one way to beat and win that war. The one thing about working people is we like a good fight. And you know what? They’ve got a war, they got a war with us and there’s only going to be one winner. It’s going to be the workers of Michigan, and America. We’re going to win that war.”

Hoffa added a statement directed to the current administration: “President Obama, this is your army. We are ready to march. Let’s take these son of bitches out and give America back to an America where we belong,”

The message is clear even if the grammar isn’t.

The conservative media was quick to denounce Hoffa’s use of what they termed “violent rhetoric”.

Gretchen Carlson of Fox News clarifies the conservative position on violent political rhetoric.

Romney Releases Jobs Plan

Mitt Romney explains his 59 point jobs plan for America.

It’s the usual Republican chanting: lower taxes on corporations, do jack for workers, kill the unions, kill “Obamacare” even though Republicans re-wrote it in their own image, exterminate the EPA, repeal anything with Barney Franks’ name on it because he’s a big fairy, aggressively exploit fossil fuel resources regardless of the ecological damage, repeal inheritance taxes so rich people’s kids can be even richer, gut federal programs that don’t directly benefit corporate interests, do away with taxes on corporate profits made overseas, create the “Reagan Economic Zone” wherein I imagine it will be legal to harvest the organs of the poor before they die, delete carbon provisions from the clean air act, concentrate alternative energy funding on basic research so nothing is developed that threatens oil companies now, gut our own education system while granting permanent residence status to foreigners with advanced degrees because most of them will work for rice and onions, pack the NLRB with corporate stooges, cut wages and benefits for government employees (something that can’t actually legally be done), and most of all NOT A DIME IN TAX CUTS for those making less than $200k/year because someone has to pay for everything.

Here are the 59 Romney Plan points (yeah – 59 of ‘em. That should be a breeze to implement in a congress that goes to the brink of economic collapse over a single point). In particular notice the open-ended ones like number 58 – essentially saying nothing about HOW to restructure government programs – hint: it involves a meat cleaver.

1. Maintain current tax rates on personal income
2. Maintain current tax rates on interest, dividends, and capital gains
3. Eliminate taxes for taxpayers with AGI below $200,000 on interest, dividends, and capital gains
4. Eliminate the death tax
5. Pursue a conservative overhaul of the tax system over the long term that includes lower,
flatter rates on a broader base
6. Reduce corporate income tax rate to 25 percent
7. Pursue transition from “worldwide” to “territorial” system for corporate taxation
8. Repeal Obamacare
9. Repeal Dodd-Frank and replace with streamlined, modern regulatory framework
10. Amend Sarbanes-Oxley to relieve mid-size companies from onerous requirements
11. Ensure that environmental laws properly account for cost in regulatory process
12 Provide multi-year lead times before companies must come into compliance with
onerous new environmental regulations
13. Initiate review and elimination of all Obama-era regulations that unduly burden the economy
14. Impose a regulatory cap of zero dollars on all federal agencies
15. Require congressional approval of all new “major” regulations
16. Reform legal liability system to prevent spurious litigation
17. Implement agreements with Colombia, Panama, and South Korea
18. Reinstate the president’s Trade Promotion Authority
19. Complete negotiations for the Trans-Pacific Partnership
20. Pursue new trade agreements with nations committed to free enterprise and open markets
21. Create the Reagan Economic Zone
22. Increase CBP resources to prevent the illegal entry of goods into our market
23. Increase USTR resources to pursue and support litigation against unfair trade practices
24. Use unilateral and multilateral punitive measures to deter unfair Chinese practices
25. Designate China a currency manipulator and impose countervailing duties
26. Discontinue U.S. government procurement from China until China commits to GPA
27. Establish fixed timetables for all resource development approvals
28. Create one-stop shop to streamline permitting process for approval of common activities
29. Implement fast-track procedures for companies with established safety records to conduct
pre-approved activities in pre-approved areas
30. Amend Clean Air Act to exclude carbon dioxide from its purview
31. Expand NRC capabilities for approval of additional nuclear reactor designs
32. Streamline NRC processes to ensure that licensing decisions for reactors on or adjacent to
approved sites, using approved designs, are complete within two years
33. Conduct comprehensive survey of America’s energy reserves
34. Open America’s energy reserves for development
35. Expand opportunities for U.S. resource developers to forge partnerships with neighboring countries
36 Support construction of pipelines to bring Canadian oil to the United States
37. Prevent overregulation of shale gas development and extraction
38 Concentrate alternative energy funding on basic research
39. Utilize long-term, apolitical funding mechanisms like ARPA-E for basic research
40. Appoint to the NLRB experienced individuals with respect for the rule of law
41. Amend NLRA to explicitly protect the right of business owners to allocate their capital as they see fit
42. Amend NLRA to guarantee the secret ballot in every union certification election
43. Amend NLRA to guarantee that all pre-election campaigns last at least one month
44. Support states in pursuing Right-to-Work laws
45. Prohibit the use for political purposes of funds automatically deducted from worker paychecks
46. Reverse executive orders issued by President Obama that tilt the playing field toward organized labor
47. Eliminate redundancy in federal retraining programs by consolidating programs and funding streams,
centering as much activity as possible in a single agency
48. Give states authority to manage retraining programs by block granting federal funds
49. Facilitate the creation of Personal Reemployment Accounts
50. Encourage greater private sector involvement in retraining programs
51. Raise visa caps for highly skilled workers
52. Grant permanent residency to eligible graduates with advanced degrees in math, science,
and engineering
53. Immediately cut non-security discretionary spending by 5 percent
54. Reform and restructure Medicaid as block grant to states
55. Align wages and benefits of government workers with market rates
56. Reduce federal workforce by 10 percent via attrition
57. Cap federal spending at 20 percent of GDP
58. Undertake fundamental restructuring of government programs and services
59. Pursue a Balanced Budget Amendment