Gingrich Loses Big In Florida

With 80% of Florida's voting precincts reporting GraceLessLand is projecting Newt Gingrich to lose the Florida Republican Primary to Mitt Romney a whopping 32% to 47%.

Official GOP megalomaniac Newt “Bow Before Me” Gingrich has suffered a tremendous blow to his ego and his campaign in the Florida Republican presidential primary. Mitt Romney crushed Gingrich by a 15% margin, making the already diminutive former Speaker of the House of Representatives of the United States of America several inches shorter and almost a foot larger in diameter.

“I won’t be making a concession speech” Gingrich told a crowd of several supporters. “Instead I’m going to pull a Gore and demand a recount. And I won’t forget this, Florida! You’re on my list – once I take my rightful place as President of the United States and Lord of the Moon, I’m going to ship the whole lot of you to Pluto to work in the ice mines!”

With 80% of Florida’s precincts reporting we predict Romney will win with at least 47% of the vote – and with 20% of precincts to go his percentage could go up and be even more humiliating for Gingrich, who only managed to garner 32% of Florida’s predominantly aged and infirm Republican voters, who are often confused when intending to vote for Romney and therefore accidentally vote for other candidates who aren’t Romney. For example 13% of them voted for Rick Santorum by mistake simply because their hands shake and they punch the wrong button, and Santorum comes after Romney in the alphabetical ballot listing.

Ron Paul took-in 7% of the vote, not coincidentally the exact percentage of Floridian voters who are drunks reeling about in the Florida Keys dressed like Earnest Hemingway and pining for the “good old days when we could get drunk and screw hookers cheap in Cuba”.

Gingrich Lead Over Romney Drops To 1% In Polls

Over the past week GOP front-runner Newt Gingrich has seen his lead over rival Mitt Romney evaporate. The pair are now in a statistical dead heat at 28% to 27% according to Gallup's nationwide tracking poll.

Herman Cain Endorses Newt Gingrich

Former GOP presidential candidate and ex-pizza magnate Herman Cain has announced he is endorsing ex-representative and former Speaker of the House of Representatives of the United States Newt Gingrich as his choice for the Republican party presidential candidate for 2012. And the reason he took such a long sentence to do it was to avoid any questions about his and Gingrich's extra-marital affairs.

Occupy Oakland Clashes With Police

Oakland police try to disperse Occupy marchers with smoke. Police declared the marchers to be engaged in an "unlawful assembly" as they attempted to reach an abandoned building they planned to occupy. (photo stolen from KGO News)

Police and Occupy Oakland marchers clashed in the streets of the East Bay city today as protesters attempted to reach an unidentified abandoned building. Occupy Movement protesters said they would make the building their new base of operations after they were forcibly evicted from a small park near the Oakland Civic Center late last year.

“We can’t just let people move into abandoned buildings” a city spokesperson said. “Sure, this is Oakland and we have literally hundreds and hundreds of abandoned buildings. But if we let people move into them where will the crack and meth addicts go?”

The city also expressed concerns for the homeless: “We get state and federal money based on the number of homeless people on our streets. If they move into abandoned buildings that revenue will dry up!”

What Did We Learn From The CNN/Florida Debate?

Newt Gingrich was the main target Thursday night in Florida as the four remaining GOP presidential candidates engaed in the last debate before the Florida primary vote.

At least one of the gloves came off for each of the Republican candidates as they struggled to gain advantage over one another in the final GOP debate before the Florida primary on Tuesday.

NEWT GINGRICH: Managed to avoid talking about the lies he told America and John King when he said he had “witnesses” that approached ABC to rebut the interview his ex-wife did, in which she revealed what a callous ass-chaser he is. Wolf Blitzer wasn’t going anywhere near that stuff, although there was an uncomfortable moment when the candidates were asked why their wife would make a good first lady. It almost appeared as if Gingrich might say “which one?”

MITT ROMNEY: Is still handicapped by being embarrassingly rich. He did manage to deflect most of the blame for his wealth on the trustee of his “blind trust”. A blind trust is like a super PAC – there is no coordination between the candidate and the trustee/PAC manager, unless you count daily phone calls and deleted emails.

RICK SANTORUM: May have screwed-up when he let it slip he thinks global warming is a hoax. While he was careful to affirm his faith in God, he probably doesn’t want to alienate fence-sitting independents who don’t think science is an abomination.

RON PAUL: Managed to turn every question into a criticism of the Federal Reserve system. At this point you start to think even though he’s a doctor he may think the Fed causes cancer.

Newt Gingrich Admits He Lied On National Television

GOP presidential candidate Newt "I Love Baloney" Gingrich has admitted he lied when he told CNN's John King several friends offered to rebut his ex-wife's statements, but ABC news "wasn't interested".

Newt Gingrich’s campaign has released a statement saying the ex-Speaker of the House of Representatives of the United States of America lied during the GOP debate last week and in an interview on Tuesday.

In an interview with ABC’s “Nightline” program the candidate’s second abandoned wife, Marianne Gingrich, said her husband told her she would “just have to put up with” his affair with a congressional staffer, and that he wanted an “open marriage”.

“The story was false. Every personal friend I have who knew us in that period says the story is false. We offered several of them to ABC to prove it was false. They weren’t interested,” Gingrich said at the start of a CNN debate program last week. ABC has said no “friends” or other witnesses were brought to their attention. Gingrich then told King during an interview on Tuesday “If they’re saying that, then they’re not being honest. We had several people prepared to be very clear and very aggressive in their dispute about that, and (ABC News) wasn’t interested.”

Gingrich characterized the ABC statement as “just plain baloney”.

Now it appears the baloney is on the other foot. R. C. Hammond, the Gingrich campaign press secretary, admitted no “friends” came forward. “That would be unlikely in any event,” Hammond said. “All of Newt Gingrich’s friends abandoned him years ago the same way he abandons women. There’s no real reason for it – unless it’s because he is a liar, an adulterer, a corrupt politician, quite probably a criminal, has absolutely no integrity, and screws just about everyone he comes into contact with, both literally and figuratively. Other than that he’s a great guy and will make a great president of the United States!”

East Haven CT Mayor Apologizes For Taco Remark

East Haven. CT Mayor Joseph Maturo Jr. apologized to the Latino community "for the insensitive and off-color comment that I made". When asked what he will do for the Latino community due to FBI allegations of police misconduct and discrimination, Maturo quipped "I might have tacos when I go home, I'm not quite sure yet."

Obama Spends An Hour Delivering SOTU Address

The President makes some points during the 2012 State Of The Union Address. Many of the people in the audience were noticeably asleep about half-way through.

The following is a transcript of Barack Obama’s 2012 State Of The Union address:

Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah bin Laden blah blah blah blah blah blah blah bin Laden blah blah blah blah blah I got bin Laden blah blah blah blah blah blah blah bin Laden blah blah blah blah blah blah blah bin Laden blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah bin Laden blah blah blah blah blah did you hear I got bin Laden? blah blah blah blah blah blah blah bin Laden – I got him blah blah I got bin Laden blah blah blah blah blah blah blah bin Laden blah blah I got bin Laden, and the Republicans didn’t blah blah blah blah blah blah blah bin Laden blah blah I got bin Laden, me, and some Navy Seals who signed a flag for me blah blah blah blah blah blah blah bin Laden blah blah I got bin Laden blah blah blah blah blah blah blah bin Laden blah blah I got bin Laden while this clown Boner back here was shtupping some intern blah blah blah blah blah blah blah bin Laden blah blah I got bin Laden blah blah blah blah blah blah blah bin Laden blah blah I got bin Laden and I even let Joe Biden hang around and watch blah blah blah blah blah blah blah bin Laden blah blah I got bin Laden blah blah blah blah blah blah blah bin Laden blah blah I got bin Laden, then had some Navy guys dress him like Sailor Moon and toss his ass to the sharks blah blah blah blah blah blah blah bin Laden blah blah I got bin Laden blah blah blah blah blah blah blah bin Laden blah blah I got bin Laden’s nuts in a jar back at the White House blah blah blah blah blah blah blah bin Laden blah blah I got bin Laden blah blah blah blah blah blah blah bin Laden blah blah blah thank you God bless you, and God bless the United States of America bin Laden!

Romney Paid 14% On $21 Million

Mitt Romney, once considered the only real choice for the GOP presidential nomination only to see his prospects fade in the bloated shadow of Newt Gingrich, released his tax returns late Monday. The documents revealed he is part of the 0.01%.

Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney finally released his tax returns late Monday after several weeks of stalling. The documents reveal Romney paid just $3 million in income tax on a declared income of over $21 million.

“I realize that looks like I don’t pay as much as the average person, let alone a multimillionaire – but I had a lot of deductions this year” Romney said. “For example – and you can’t see that on the forms because it isn’t itemized – but for example my wife had extensive dental work done. That really cut things down.”

Probably most surprising was the fact that Romney filed the 1040-EZ form. “It’s a little known provision of the tax code, but if you’re super-rich you can do whatever you want. It’s perfectly legal!”

Romney To Release Tax Returns Tuesday

GOP also-ran Mitt Romney has announced he will finally release his tax returns on Tuesday. His unwillingness to do so before may have cost him the South Carolina primary race, which went to Newt "Mitt Lives Off The Blood Of The Unemployed" Gingrich. Here Romney explains the timing of the release.

Gingrich Wins In South Carolina

Newt Gingrich overcame his history of adultery, ethics violations, resigning from the House of Representatives in disgrace, lying about his finances, obvious hypocrisy, and rumors of inbreeding to win the South Carolina GOP presidential primary by a 13% margin over second-place Mitt Romney, who took 27%.

Ex-Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum placed third with 17%, a disappointment for the fundamentalist Tea Party candidate who simply couldn’t overcome his massive personality deficit. And 19th century revivalist Ron Paul got 13% of the vote – surprising considering he’s almost certifiably looney.

“Actually, the thing about inbreeding probably swung things for Gingrich” one South Carolinite said. “We’re big on family values here.”

So far there is no word on how many votes the Herman Cain/Stephen Colbert hybrid candidate got.

Colbert Leads Polls For “Favorable Opinon” Among U.S. Voters

TV political pundit Stephen Colbert has announced his intention to form an exploratory committee to look into the feasibility of considering a 2012 run for President of South Carolina. Colbert currently leads national polls wherein American voters indicate they have a more favorable opinion of him than any of the GOP candidates.

Colbert has turned his super-PAC over to business partner John Stewart of “The Daily Show”, while Colbert uses his “Colbert Report” to ask voters to vote for Herman Cain in the South Carolina primary. Cain has dropped out of the presidential race, but his name could not legally be removed from the ballot. Since Colbert cannot legally be added, nor are primary write-ins valid in South Carolina, Colbert is asking voters to check the box next to Cain’s name as a way of indicating they would have voted for Colbert, were it legally possible to vote for him, which it isn’t.

Colbert is running on a promise to do nothing to change the corrupt campaign finance practices in U.S. elections, saying “The pundits have asked, is this all some joke? And I say, if they are calling being allowed to form a super PAC and collecting unlimited, untraceable amounts of money from individuals, unions, and corporations, and spending that money on political ads and for personal enrichment, and then surrendering that super PAC to one of my closest friends while I explore a run for office — if that is a joke, then they are saying our entire campaign finance system is a joke!”

Cain appeared with Colbert at a recent election-related event in Charleston.

Gingrich Infidelity May Not Count With Religious Right

GOP presidential hopeful Newt "Do I Look Worried" Gingrich may not be harmed by his ex-wife's revelations on "Nightline" that he wanted an "open" marriage so he could pursue affairs with women who worked for him in Congress, experts say.

Political experts say Marianne Gingrich’s revelations that ex-husband Newt sought an “open” marriage with her so he could continue an affair with his mistress may not hurt the Republican candidate in the South Carolina primary – and may in fact help.

“If there’s one thing we on the religious right and in the Tea Party hate more than liars and cheats, it nigg- errr, ‘blacks’!” One South Carolina GOP insider said. “And in order to get that socialist commie nigg- errrr, ‘black man’, out of the White House we’d all get down on our knees and blow Satan! And I mean we’d inhale!”

Many right-wing evangelicals feel it will take the kind of dirty, low-down, under-handed, lying, hypocritical behavior Newt Gingrich is known for to defeat Barack Obama. “What we need is a total 4-wheel-drive S.O.B. to get out there and put that boy in his place! I mean, there’s no way we can beat him on the issues!” an official in the South Carolina Republican party told GraceLessLand. “When the racial purity of the nation is at stake you can bet there’s nothing we won’t stoop to in order to get the job done. Not that we have anything against so-called ‘blacks’ – we just don’t think they’re ready, y’know, in an evolutionary way to rule the country. Not that that means we believe in evolution!”

Marianne Gingrich: Newt Wanted An “Open” Marriage

Marianne Gingrich, the second ex-wife of GOP presidential candidate Newt "Love Me Two Times" Gingrich, revealed that the former Speaker of the House of Representatives of the United States of America wanted her to "just put up with" his mistress - now Mrs. Gingrich #3.

 

Rick Perry Drops Out Of GOP Race – Endorses Gingrich

Texas Governor Rick Perry thought short and easy about his chances of winning the Republican candidacy for president and decided to drop out of the race. He endorsed Newt "At Least I'm Not Mitt Romney" Gingrich as his choice for the GOP nomination. Doubts about Perry's intellectual capacity and his ability to add single digit numbers probably led to his downfall as a candidate.

Rick Perry, the Texas Governor who famously couldn’t remember all three of the government departments he wanted to shut-down, and who often stumbled through long rambling statements with unclear subject-verb agreement, has announced he will close his campaign to the be the Republican nominee for President. Perry said he is throwing his support behind Newt Gingrich, who unfortunately speaks very clearly and says really frightening things as he articulates his post-apocalyptic vision of America’s future.

Below we see Perry on his home turf, firing the starting gun for the annual “Texas Mexican Roundup”. This is one of the rare photos of Perry holding a gun that isn’t pointed squarely at his feet.

Marianne Gingrich Interview To Air On ABC

GOP candidate Newt "Pass Me A New Wife" Gingrich responds to the news that his ex-wife Marianne has done an interview on ABC's "Nightline" program.

Marianne Gingrich, the second ex-wife of former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, has recorded an interview for ABC news that will air on the network’s “Nightline” program Thursday.

“The content is so explosive and profane we have to run it late at night. If kids were to hear this stuff they would probably bite their own wrists in an attempt to remove themselves from such a sick and disgusting world” an ABC spokesperson said.

The interview comes right after the wreck of the Costa Concordia cruise ship off the coast of Italy. “That’s no coincidence” an ABC insider reports. “The captain of the Costa Concordia, Francesco Schettino, figures in Mrs. Gingrich’s interview. You see, he was responsible for stranding Marianne on an island with six other people Gingrich wanted to get rid of. They just escaped from the island on a raft, and were picked-up by the Costa Concordia. It was coincidence that Schettino was commanding the cruise ship at the time, and wrecked it in an attempt to cover-up his and Newt Gingrich’s complicity in stranding the seven castaways.”

GraceLessLand has determined the people stranded on the island included another ship’s captain, his first mate, a millionaire and his wife, a movie star, a professor, and Marianne Gingrich. The others’ connection with Newt Gingrich is not known at this time, but they were apparently lured onto a small craft by the promise of a short tour, possibly as short as three hours in duration. Fortunately all the passengers brought enough luggage for a much longer voyage, or they might not have survived.

“It was batteries they screwed-up on” our source said. “They brought enough changes of clothes – thirty or forty of the exact same outfits – but there weren’t any batteries for the radio, the cell phones, the flash lights, and the GPS transponder they had with them. There were literally no phones, no lights, no motor cars – not a single luxury.”

STOP SOPA

Gracelessland will not have a post today as we stand in solidarity with the campaign to stop the "Stop Online Piracy Act", a flawed bill that would endanger the privacy and rights of everyone who uses the Internet. Or it could just be a good excuse to take a day off - either way, all you'll see here today is this graphic someone else made.

What Did We Learn From The Fox News/South Carolina Debate?

The five remaining GOP presidential candidates articulate their separate foreign policies at the Fox News debate in South Carolina Monday.

Here are some salient points picked up from the latest Republican debate presented by Fox News just prior to the South Carolina primary election:

MITT ROMNEY: Has gotten really good at answering the question about being a “vulture capitalist”. He can now make raping a punch-drunk company sound like making sweet, sweet love.

RICK PERRY: Has apparently changed his medication because several times during the debate he did an excellent impression of thinking quickly. Of course he wasn’t – someone in the audience was giving him hand signals.

RICK SANTORUM: Is getting his feisty on. A couple of times he led Mitt Romney right into the corner where he sucker punched him with embarrassingly moderate moments from Romney’s record.

NEWT GINGRICH: Has some kind of deal with Juan Williams that when the crowd is against Newt Juan will act like an angry black liberal and give Newt the opportunity to make a stirring speech about just how and why minorities are inferior. The crowd ended by giving him a standing ovation.

RON PAUL: Still hasn’t learned to keep from saying things Republicans don’t want to hear, like it may not only be illegal but morally wrong for the U.S. to simply go into other countries and assassinate people. Which brings us to the main thing we learned here….

Republicans love to kill! Killing people, especially foreigners in foreign countries, got the biggest standing ovation of the evening. Everyone except Ron Paul said loud and clear they think the United States has the right to go anywhere, any time, for any reason, and kill anyone we want. Romney as much as declared war on just about everyone, including citizens of the U.S. who are suspected of terrorist sympathies. So it was a good night for saber rattling and testicle shaking.

Virginia Butt Slasher Still At Large

Virginia law enforcement officials released this artist's depiction of "El Corta Nalgas", wanted for a 13-butt slashing spree. People are asked to be on the lookout for a short, stout white male with gray hair and a look of sour disappointment on his face. DO NOT APPROACH THE SUSPECT! He is considered dangerously insane! If you see this man please contact the Virginia State Registrar Of Voters.

Virginia law enforcement officials have announced that the man known only as “El Corta Nalgas” has not been apprehended in Peru as earlier reported. “It’s the wrong guy – he’s too tall, has black hair, and isn’t nearly arrogant enough” a spokesman for the Virginia Attorney General’s office said.

“El Corta Nalgas”, or “The Butt Cutter”, is wanted for a string of assaults in which young women have been slashed on the buttocks with a sharp object. The attacks started shortly after a Virginia judge denied the court challenge to Virginia’s electoral laws by four GOP presidential candidates. Authorities say the attacks may or may not be related to the court decision.

Virginia’s special Posterior Protection Squad has released a police artist’s sketch of the suspect. Anyone with any knowledge of the whereabouts of “El Corta Nalgas” should contact the Virginia State Registrar of Voters or the Virginia Democratic Party.