Stranger Things Have Happened

Under the provisions of the 12th and 20th amendments to the Constitution, it is possible that Hillary Clinton could become President of the United States (acting) in 2012. The process would start with an electoral college vote tie between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. It is also possible that monkeys might fly out of my butt, and have even smaller monkeys flying out of theirs. Because the idea that John Boehner wouldn’t resign as Speaker of the House to become President, even temporarily, is pretty far-fetched.

Romney Wants To Restore “Anglo-Saxon” Solidarity

In a column in the UK “Telegraph” correspondent John Swaine quoted unnamed “advisers” to Mitt Romney as saying “We are part of an Anglo-Saxon heritage, and he feels that the special relationship is special” (instead of being a special relationship that isn’t special – you know, like between two men) and “The White House didn’t fully appreciate the shared history we have” – supposedly because the President isn’t Anglo-Saxon enough.

Swaine reported that Romney “embarks on an overseas tour of Britain, Israel and Poland designed to quash claims by Mr Obama’s team that he is a ‘novice’ in foreign affairs”, apparently by proving he can book a flight and that he knows other countries exist.

Swaine pointed out President Obama’s contempt for Britain by revealing that he presented then Prime Minister Gordon Brown with “a set of DVDs that did not work in Britain”. That was probably just as well because GraceLessLand has uncovered the titles of those DVDs: “The Patriot”, “1776!”, and “The Buccaneer” (the original good one with Frederick March).

It is of course a complete coincidence that Romney will arrive in England in time for the start of the Olympics, in which his wife’s million-dollar horse will dance in the international alliance-building sport of “Dressage”. Because if it weren’t just a coincidence it might be questionable for him to spend campaign funds to pay for the trip.

Drought Wipes Out Almost All Of U.S. Corn Crop

The historic drought that has caused the federal government to declare approximately 1,000 U.S. counties disaster areas has destroyed almost the entire 2012 corn crop. Not only will this drive up the cost of Doritos, but also of eggs, milk, cheese, beef, pork, chicken, and fuel. Because these days we aren’t just feeding our farm animals corn, we’re feeding it to our vehicles, too.

So when you spend $60 for a supreme with two kinds of cheese and mushrooms, thank the people who have stood in the way of doing something about global climate change for the past thirty years. That would be most world leaders, almost all corporations, and every Republican on the planet. Of course they won’t be bitching – they’re mostly rich, except for the Republican rank and file: they’re just dumb.

The Rest Of The “You Didn’t Build That” Speech

 

Apple Posts Only $8.8 Billion In Net Income

Markets crashed Tuesday when Apple Inc. posted “only” $8.8 billion in net income for its fiscal third quarter, a measly $9.32 per share.

“It looks like the end for Apple and for Western Civilization” one analyst said. “I own tons of Apple stock and I just built eight Swiss Chalets for myself in Arizona – now it looks like I’ll have to sell one or two of them. I don’t think I can stand the loss!”

Stock traders were leaping from first floor windows on Wall Street, and banks said they would certainly require another bailout due to Apple’s non-record-setting quarter.

R.I.P.: Sally Ride

Doctor Sally Ride was the first American woman to travel into space, and probably the first gay woman to do so. She died from pancreatic cancer at age 61, and is survived by her partner of 27 years Dr. Tam O’Shaughnessy.

Penn State Removes Paterno Statue

Pennsylvania State University has removed the famous statue of football coach Joe Paterno in the fallout from the Jerry Sandusky child molestation case. Although Paterno informed Penn State officials of Sandusky’s conduct, neither he nor they reported it to authorities. Some feel removing the statue is an over-reaction, and instead Paterno’s pose should have been changed to something more appropriate.

President Obama Visits Colorado Shooting Victims

Issa Proposes Renaming Coastal Waters After Reagan

Representative Darrell Issa (R – Lake Elsinore CA) has proposed renaming the U.S. Exclusive Economic Zone, which extends from 3 miles offshore to 200 miles offshore, the Ronald Reagan Exclusive Economic Zone. Democrats have introduced similar legislation that would change Issa’s name to “Snot Vampire” – although GraceLessLand was unable to ascertain what the new name was in reference to.

Robbins Event Leads To Burns For 21 People

At least 21 people were treated for burns after attempting to walk across hot coals at a Tony Robbins event in San Jose, California.

Dear NRA: Please STFU!

The National Rifle Association says it’s official Tweet that was posted after the tragic shootings in Aurora, Colorado, was done while “unaware of events in Colorado”.

Which begs the question: are they unaware that among the world’s 23 wealthiest countries 80% of all gun deaths happen in the U.S.? Are they unaware that among those 23 wealthiest nations 87% of all shooting deaths of people under the age of 18 happen in the U.S.? Are they unaware of the fact that approximately 30,000 people die by gunshot in the U.S. each year? Are they unaware of the fact that a dozen guns are sold legally in the U.S. every minute? Are they unaware there are over 300 million guns in public hands in the U.S., most of which are in the hands of a small minority of gun owners?

They must be unaware, or simply uncaring, if anyone at the NRA can happily tweet “Good morning, shooters”.

California Governor Signs $5.5 Billion Rail System Into Law

California Governor Jerry Brown has signed a law passed by the state legislature to create the nation’s first true high-speed rail system. The initial $5.5 billion dollar segment will be the first phase of a system that will eventually connect the San Francisco Bay Area with Los Angeles.

Bachmann Calls For Investigation Into Muslims In Govt

Failed GOP presidential candidate Michele Bachmann, still a Republican member of the House of Representatives from Minnesota, has requested that several federal agencies investigate infiltration of the government by Muslim extremists. In particular Bachmann has singled-out Huma Abedin, long-time aide to Secretary of State Hillary Clinton (and wife of disgraced former representative Anthony Weiner). Bachmann claims members of Abedin’s family are or were members of the extremist Muslim Brotherhood.

Speaking at the Joseph McCarthy Foundation For Destructive Political Grandstanding, Bachmann delivered a rambling tirade about Huma Abedin’s father who knew a guy who knew a guy whose uncle knew a guy who may have dated the daughter of a guy who knew someone who once stood next to a building where the Muslim Brotherhood had a meeting.

Even members of Bachmann’s own party are supporting Abedin: Senator John McCain (AZ) spoke from the Senate floor Wednesday and said of Bachmann’s claims: “To say that the accusations made…are not substantiated by the evidence they offer is to be overly polite and diplomatic about it. It is far better, and more accurate, to talk straight: These allegations about Huma, and the report from which they are drawn, are nothing less than an unwarranted and unfounded attack on an honorable woman, a dedicated American, and a loyal public servant.”

Zimmerman Interviewed By Hannity

George Zimmerman, the neighborhood watchman who shot and killed teenager Trayvon Martin in a nighttime confrontation in Florida, sat for an interview with Fox News’ Sean Hannity. In the interview Zimmerman said the tragic killing was part of “God’s plan”, and that he shot Martin because the young man was reaching for Zimmerman’s gun, essentially saying if he hadn’t had a gun there would have been no reason to shoot Martin.

This is the first time Zimmerman has mentioned having an accomplice, and police are looking for God as a “deity of interest”.

UPDATE: Apparently Zimmerman’s going rate for an interview is a month of “shelter and security”. We’re sure Hannity would have paid more (and may have).

1993: The Offices Of DC Comics

1ST GUY: Okay, listen, I’ve got a great idea for a new super villain for Batman. He has this creepy mask-

2ND GUY: Who, Batman?

1ST GUY: No, no – the new villain-

2ND GUY: Don’t they all?

1ST GUY: What?

2ND GUY: All wear creepy masks? Super villains, I mean.

1ST GUY: This one looks like a huge spider is stuck on his mouth.

2ND GUY: Yeah, okay, that’s creepy.

1ST GUY: Here’s the brilliant part: his name is “Bane”!

2ND GUY: Why is that brilliant?

1ST GUY: Why? Because of Mitt Romney!

2ND GUY: Who?

1ST GUY: Mitt Romney! The CEO of Bain Capital!

2ND GUY: His name is Mitt? What kind of name is that?

1ST GUY: I think it’s short for “Mitthew”.

2ND GUY: So what does this have to do with a new super villain who has a big spider on his mouth?

1ST GUY: It’s not an actual spider! It just looks like one!

2ND GUY: Why?

1ST GUY: That’s not important! We want the new super villain to have the same name as Romney’s company-

2ND GUY: What does this company make?

1ST GUY: They make money. They are like the kings of leveraged buy-outs: they find a company that is struggling, pay almost nothing for it, use the equity to borrow money and buy other companies, and then bankrupt them so the loss is a write-off – they make hundreds of millions off of these deals!

2ND GUY: That’s brilliant! Hey – what happens to the people that work for these companies?

1ST GUY: They become homeless and go on food stamps.

2ND GUY: That sucks! So that’s why he’s a super villain?

1ST GUY: No, no – the super villain has the same name as the company, just spelled a little differently: B-a-n-e.

2ND GUY: You mean a person or thing that ruins or spoils, or a deadly poison?

1ST GUY: Yes! Exactly!

2ND GUY: So, why do we want to do this?

1ST GUY: Because 19 years from now, in 2012, Romney is going to run for president against Barack Obama, the first black president!

2ND GUY: The first black president will be from Alabama?

1ST GUY: No! Obama! His name is Obama!

2ND GUY: How do you know this?

1ST GUY: That’s not important right now! What is important is DC will have a Batman movie coming out during the election – and the super villain will be Bane! Thus connecting Mitt Romney in the people’s minds with evil! It’s going to be a close election because of the massive economic problems and the unpopular wars against terrorists-

2ND GUY: What terrorists?

1ST GUY: The ones who will fly the airliners into the…uh…never mind that! The point is we have to create Bane now so the character will be established in 2012 for the movie!

2ND GUY: In order to influence an election 19 years from now?

1ST GUY: Precisely!

2ND GUY: It will never work!

1ST GUY: Why not?

2ND GUY: Because Rush Limbaugh will immediately see through it and alert the citizenry of America!

1ST GUY: Oh, that’s right! Limbaugh! I forgot about Limbaugh! Damn!

Romney “Retroactively” Retired From Bain

Mitt Romney isn’t responsible for the outsourcing of American jobs by Bain Capital after 1999 because he “retroactively retired” in 2002 back to 1999 – so all those documents that list him as the CEO are apparently now incorrect.

Turn It Off!

Charlie Sheen To Donate Money From New Show To USO

American Hostages Released In Egypt

Members of an American missionary group who had been taken hostage in Egypt three days ago have been released by their captor. “They are at security headquarters with us now, in good condition. The negotiations succeeded, but we did not give in to the kidnappers’ demands,” said Gen. Ahmed Bakr, head of security in northern Sinai. “Now if you will excuse me, I have to go buy 500 goats and a camel.”

Fox News Loves Poor People And Babies

….most when looking for someone to screw.

See what you can do when you cherry-pick one part of a statement? Just like Fox News ran the headline “Obama to business owners: ‘You didn’t build that’”. Except the full statement is:

“If you were successful, somebody along the line gave you some help. There was a great teacher somewhere in your life. Somebody helped to create this unbelievable American system that we have that allowed you to thrive. Somebody invested in roads and bridges. If you’ve got a business, you didn’t build that. Somebody else made that happen.”

Hillary Clinton Greeted With Jeers In Egypt

U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was greeted with thrown tomatoes and shoes, and jeers of “Monica!” as her motorcade left the newly reopened U.S. consulate in Alexandria, Egypt.

New Glory

Giant Solar Flare To Strike Earth Tonight

A massive solar flare will strike the Earth tonight, and either cause some disruption to communications, or kill all life on the planet. We’ll let you know which tomorrow.

Representative Jesse Jackson Treated For “Mood Disorder”

Spanish Miners Protest Government Austerity Measures

Spanish miners clashed with riot police Wednesday in protests against the government’s austerity measures aimed at controlling the country’s debt crisis.

Romney Brings Ringers To NAACP Speech

GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney broke with the precedent set by George W. Bush and actually talked to black citizens by giving a speech to the NAACP national convention. Romney appeared to be choosing his words carefully so as not to use too many big ones, and in general had the demeanor of an insurance salesman pitching a life policy to a group of five year olds.

The crowd was respectful and interested, applauded many times and gave the candidate a standing ovation at the end of the speech. But they also booed him for an extended period when he remarked that one way he would create jobs was to repeal “Obamacare”.

After the speech Romney appeared on Fox News and claimed to have had a meeting with “a number of African-American leaders after the event”, where they confided that they were actually dissatisfied with Barack Obama and were looking for “someone who can get the economy going, so I expect to get African-American votes.”

And he will – he’ll get the votes of the African-American Republicans he brought to the convention with him, and whom he met with afterward. None were actually members of the NAACP, according to the Director of the Washington Bureau of the NAACP, Hilary Shelton. They did cheer for him vociferously, though.

This isn’t the first time Romney has “salted” a crowd with ringers: he has brought in busloads of young Mormon college students to cheer for him at other events – kind of the way Marty Feldman took control of the mutiny in “Yellowbeard”.

American Towns Fall Victim To Wall Street LIBOR Fixing

Towns, cities, even entire counties are going bankrupt across the U.S. after being fleeced in the latest Wall Street financial scam. Municipalities are going to court alleging fraud and collusion between banks and investment firms such as JP Morgan Chase, UBS, and Barclays to inflate fees and rig bids to handle public finances.

The municipalities (and some hospitals and colleges as well) were sold variable-rate bond packages tied to the LIBOR rate and to the Sifma municipal bond index. Through a financial device called a “LIBOR Swap” the financial institutions claimed the bonds were guaranteed not to cost the municipalities more interest if the variable rates increased. However, the historically linked LIBOR/Sifma indices diverged, mainly due to financial institutions colluding to fix the LIBOR rate at a low value even as Sifma increased.

The lower the LIBOR rate the more the banks and Wall Street financiers profited – and they fixed the numbers to make sure they profited far more than the market would have allowed. So the municipalities’ interest payment savings were more than wiped-out through management fees.

Good thing we bailed these companies out back when their own greed ruined them, just so they could come back and help themselves to more sucking off of the taxpayer tit.

Robert Blake Appears On Piers Morgan Show

Actor Robert Blake appeared on Piers Morgan’s interview program on CNN and proceeded to charm his host and the audience with a display of what a calm, rational, not-at-all aggressive, confrontational, and potentially homicidal maniac he is. He also proved that a 79-year-old man can adopt First Lady Michelle Obama’s sleeveless look to good effect.

Barney Frank Marries Long-Time Partner

Congressman Barney Frank (D – Massachusetts) married his long-time partner Jim Ready on Saturday. Frank says while his Democrat colleagues in Congress have wished him well, his Republican colleagues has mostly ignored his marriage.

Republicans Begin Effort To Repeal “Obamacare”

House Republicans began the effort to repeal the Affordable Care Act of 2010 with rounds of meetings and media interviews before putting the 100% certainly doomed effort to a vote next week.