FLASHBACK: Keystone XL Pipeline Designer Says “It’s Safe”

The designer of the controversial Keystone XL pipeline that would deliver beer from Canada to the Gulf of Mexico claims the pipeline is safe. "If it leaks we just all grab straws and start sucking it up" said design engineer Keith Stone.

The designer of the controversial Keystone XL pipeline that would deliver beer from Canada to the Gulf of Mexico claims the pipeline is safe. “If it leaks we just all grab straws and start sucking it up” said design engineer Keith Stone.

Long Island Residents Get Electricity Bills After Weeks Without Power


Residents of storm-battered Long Island, many of whom have been without electrical power for weeks, received bills from the Long Island Power Authority charging the full monthly rate.

“I can’t get LIPA to acknowledge my existence on earth to talk to me about anything, but I guess they had power, so they could print my bills. Nice, right?” grumbled one resident.

Foreclosures Down In Most U.S. Cities

America’s leading economic indicator, housing foreclosures, are down in 62% of U.S. cities. The lack of foreclosures is expected to cause widespread unemployment in the mortgage industry and negatively impact banking profits. “Good numbers are bad numbers in the foreclosure markets” said one mortgage insider. “This could trigger a trend in good numbers such as rising employment and production rates, signaling a much healthier economy and horrible decline in homelessness. U.S. banks have been counting on continued rampant foreclosures to support their bottom line – we are invested in a high-foreclosure future!”

Welch Twitters Himself Out Of A Job

Former General Electric CEO Jack Welch has resigned from his post with Fortune magazine after criticism of his accusation the Obama administration faked a jobs report.

Welch famously wrote “Unbelievable jobs numbers..these Chicago guys will do anything..can’t debate so change numbers” to his Twitter account after the government released its September employment report. The report showed that unemployment fell from 8.1% to 7.8% for the month.

Welch resigned as a contributing editor at Fortune after being criticized for the tweet by the magazine’s managing editor.

Apple Wins Patent Infringement Suit Against Samsung

This just in: Daimler Benz has patented cars with four wheels, Greece has patented democracy, Germany has patented war crimes, dinosaurs have patented bones, Steve Jobs has patented death, the Republican Party has patented ignorance, and Bill Clinton has patented sexual harassment.

Gas Prices Coincidentally Rise Just Before Election

A combination of refining and transportation problems in the Midwest and on the West Coast have driven gas prices up just in time for the November elections, the same way they always do when an incumbent Democrat is running for re-election to the Presidency.

Apple Posts Only $8.8 Billion In Net Income

Markets crashed Tuesday when Apple Inc. posted “only” $8.8 billion in net income for its fiscal third quarter, a measly $9.32 per share.

“It looks like the end for Apple and for Western Civilization” one analyst said. “I own tons of Apple stock and I just built eight Swiss Chalets for myself in Arizona – now it looks like I’ll have to sell one or two of them. I don’t think I can stand the loss!”

Stock traders were leaping from first floor windows on Wall Street, and banks said they would certainly require another bailout due to Apple’s non-record-setting quarter.

American Towns Fall Victim To Wall Street LIBOR Fixing

Towns, cities, even entire counties are going bankrupt across the U.S. after being fleeced in the latest Wall Street financial scam. Municipalities are going to court alleging fraud and collusion between banks and investment firms such as JP Morgan Chase, UBS, and Barclays to inflate fees and rig bids to handle public finances.

The municipalities (and some hospitals and colleges as well) were sold variable-rate bond packages tied to the LIBOR rate and to the Sifma municipal bond index. Through a financial device called a “LIBOR Swap” the financial institutions claimed the bonds were guaranteed not to cost the municipalities more interest if the variable rates increased. However, the historically linked LIBOR/Sifma indices diverged, mainly due to financial institutions colluding to fix the LIBOR rate at a low value even as Sifma increased.

The lower the LIBOR rate the more the banks and Wall Street financiers profited – and they fixed the numbers to make sure they profited far more than the market would have allowed. So the municipalities’ interest payment savings were more than wiped-out through management fees.

Good thing we bailed these companies out back when their own greed ruined them, just so they could come back and help themselves to more sucking off of the taxpayer tit.

Report: Countrywide Used Loans To Buy Influence

A report issued by the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee reveals that Countrywide Financial used special loan practices to bribe members of Congress and other government officials. The Committee started its investigation in 2009, and revealed that “sweetheart” loans were extended to thousands of people, including lawmakers and former executive branch officials. thousands of Countrywide employees, as well as employees of Congress, the White House, Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac and other government entities.

Forecast: Gas To Drop Below $3 Per Gallon

Oil industry organizations like the Oil Price Information Service are reporting the price of benchmark West Texas Intermediate Crude has fallen to the lowest level since last October at $78.20 per barrel. Prices are expected to continue to drop to a level that will bring gas down to below $3 per gallon “by Halloween, and certainly by Thanksgiving,” says Tom Kloza of OPIS.

This is good news for consumers, and even better news for President Barack Obama’s presidential campaign. Prices of over $5 per gallon had been predicted due to Middle East “tensions” and refinery problems. Apparently the market feels those problems are over, and Obama will claim some of the credit for that due to his policies in the Middle East, even though the entire region is essentially a powder keg of unrest and revolution and new “tensions” could cause oil prices to rise at any moment.

R.I.P.: Illustrator LeRoy Neiman

LeRoy Neiman will always be remembered as the “Olympics artist”, and the only painter most “readers” of Playboy know by name as well as by sight. Neiman’s bright canvases often appeared as if the paints were unmixed and applied straight from the tube, because they were.