People Magazine Makes A Huge Mistake

(Click the image for the full story at People.com)

(Click the image for the full story at People.com)

People magazine has named Gwyneth Paltrow their Most Beautiful Woman In The World for 2013. Here at GraceLessLand we think they got that wrong, and here’s the cover People should have used:

The Most Beautiful Woman In The World

Ann Coulter Says Gun Violence A “Demographic Problem”

CoulterGuns2

Republican centerfold and Fox News harlot Ann Coulter says gun violence is a “demographic problem”. Coulter suggests we need to take guns away from minorities but leave whites armed. But not all whites: obviously the poor ones can’t have guns because they’ll just sell them to buy health care.

Day After Election Fox News Implodes

Once the shock of President Barack Obama’s reelection wore-off at Fox News the grief set in. Pundit Bill O’Reilly blamed minorities, as did Dick “Dick” Morris, saying the “traditional America” is dead. Others at the unfair and bullshit news network blamed the rest of the media, especially for their coverage of hurricane Sandy because everyone knows any hurricane that makes landfall in the northeast instead of the south must be a liberal.

CNN Anchor Caught Reading Liberal Blog On Air

Fox News is gleefully reporting that an article CNN anchor Soledad O’Brien can be seen perusing while interviewing Romney campaign senior adviser Barbara Comstock comes from the liberal blog TalkingPointsMemo.com.

Fox Became aware of this damning evidence of liberal bias on CNN by reading about it on the conservative blog Newsbusters.org.

Zimmerman Interviewed By Hannity

George Zimmerman, the neighborhood watchman who shot and killed teenager Trayvon Martin in a nighttime confrontation in Florida, sat for an interview with Fox News’ Sean Hannity. In the interview Zimmerman said the tragic killing was part of “God’s plan”, and that he shot Martin because the young man was reaching for Zimmerman’s gun, essentially saying if he hadn’t had a gun there would have been no reason to shoot Martin.

This is the first time Zimmerman has mentioned having an accomplice, and police are looking for God as a “deity of interest”.

UPDATE: Apparently Zimmerman’s going rate for an interview is a month of “shelter and security”. We’re sure Hannity would have paid more (and may have).

1993: The Offices Of DC Comics

1ST GUY: Okay, listen, I’ve got a great idea for a new super villain for Batman. He has this creepy mask-

2ND GUY: Who, Batman?

1ST GUY: No, no – the new villain-

2ND GUY: Don’t they all?

1ST GUY: What?

2ND GUY: All wear creepy masks? Super villains, I mean.

1ST GUY: This one looks like a huge spider is stuck on his mouth.

2ND GUY: Yeah, okay, that’s creepy.

1ST GUY: Here’s the brilliant part: his name is “Bane”!

2ND GUY: Why is that brilliant?

1ST GUY: Why? Because of Mitt Romney!

2ND GUY: Who?

1ST GUY: Mitt Romney! The CEO of Bain Capital!

2ND GUY: His name is Mitt? What kind of name is that?

1ST GUY: I think it’s short for “Mitthew”.

2ND GUY: So what does this have to do with a new super villain who has a big spider on his mouth?

1ST GUY: It’s not an actual spider! It just looks like one!

2ND GUY: Why?

1ST GUY: That’s not important! We want the new super villain to have the same name as Romney’s company-

2ND GUY: What does this company make?

1ST GUY: They make money. They are like the kings of leveraged buy-outs: they find a company that is struggling, pay almost nothing for it, use the equity to borrow money and buy other companies, and then bankrupt them so the loss is a write-off – they make hundreds of millions off of these deals!

2ND GUY: That’s brilliant! Hey – what happens to the people that work for these companies?

1ST GUY: They become homeless and go on food stamps.

2ND GUY: That sucks! So that’s why he’s a super villain?

1ST GUY: No, no – the super villain has the same name as the company, just spelled a little differently: B-a-n-e.

2ND GUY: You mean a person or thing that ruins or spoils, or a deadly poison?

1ST GUY: Yes! Exactly!

2ND GUY: So, why do we want to do this?

1ST GUY: Because 19 years from now, in 2012, Romney is going to run for president against Barack Obama, the first black president!

2ND GUY: The first black president will be from Alabama?

1ST GUY: No! Obama! His name is Obama!

2ND GUY: How do you know this?

1ST GUY: That’s not important right now! What is important is DC will have a Batman movie coming out during the election – and the super villain will be Bane! Thus connecting Mitt Romney in the people’s minds with evil! It’s going to be a close election because of the massive economic problems and the unpopular wars against terrorists-

2ND GUY: What terrorists?

1ST GUY: The ones who will fly the airliners into the…uh…never mind that! The point is we have to create Bane now so the character will be established in 2012 for the movie!

2ND GUY: In order to influence an election 19 years from now?

1ST GUY: Precisely!

2ND GUY: It will never work!

1ST GUY: Why not?

2ND GUY: Because Rush Limbaugh will immediately see through it and alert the citizenry of America!

1ST GUY: Oh, that’s right! Limbaugh! I forgot about Limbaugh! Damn!

Fox News Loves Poor People And Babies

….most when looking for someone to screw.

See what you can do when you cherry-pick one part of a statement? Just like Fox News ran the headline “Obama to business owners: ‘You didn’t build that’”. Except the full statement is:

“If you were successful, somebody along the line gave you some help. There was a great teacher somewhere in your life. Somebody helped to create this unbelievable American system that we have that allowed you to thrive. Somebody invested in roads and bridges. If you’ve got a business, you didn’t build that. Somebody else made that happen.”

Robert Blake Appears On Piers Morgan Show

Actor Robert Blake appeared on Piers Morgan’s interview program on CNN and proceeded to charm his host and the audience with a display of what a calm, rational, not-at-all aggressive, confrontational, and potentially homicidal maniac he is. He also proved that a 79-year-old man can adopt First Lady Michelle Obama’s sleeveless look to good effect.

Web Site Reporter Interrupts Obama Statement

A reporter from a Washington Web site interrupted President Barack Obama as he was announcing his decision not to deport some illegal aliens who were brought to the U.S. as children. Many conservatives have criticized the new policy, saying it “molly-coddles” illegals and treats them as if they were harmless children. Which many of them are.

Blair Says Murdoch Put Political Pressure On Him

Ex-British Prime Minister Tony Blair, testifying for an investigation into media bribery of police, said that media mogul Rupert Murdoch lobbied him directly when he was in power. “Pressure from him was more political than commercial” Blair said. Blair claims he is not “too cozy” with Murdoch, even though he is the godfather of one of Murdoch’s children.

Sales Are No Indication Of A Book’s Value

Some people who shall remain nameless recently made the claim that the value of a writer’s work is directly reflected in their popularity. At the time I tried to refute this using the example of “Mein Kampf” by Adolph Hitler, widely acknowledged to be one of the top best-selling books written during the 20th century.

But then I realized there are so many other examples from the 19th century (an era rife with thoroughly awful authors who have sustained immense popularity). Such as:

SIR WALTER SCOTT: just attempt to make your way through any Scott novel, even “Ivanhoe”. Your brain will simply dissolve under the constant pressure from his 100-ton prose. Yet most of his works are still available, and he is one of the best-selling authors in the English language. Why? No one knows. Even as an English major in school I never met anyone who could actually finish anything he wrote.

ANY BRONTE SISTER: There must be thirty or forty Bronte sisters to account for all the books they’ve sold. And I have heard that there are women who actually finish them, probably due to some gene they have that straight men lack. But you can only come across so many jilted heroines and soft-spoken, manly men who aren’t the heroine’s husband before you start thinking “y’know, maybe some books should be burned”

JUST ABOUT ANY RUSSIAN: Maybe it has to do with being translated into English, or maybe Russian authors really are inescapably depressing, dour, and so over-sensitive they get a rash from encountering a breeze. You’d think living in a place that is encased in ice half the year would have toughened them up.

AMERICAN ROMANTIC AUTHORS: Of whom James Fenimore Cooper is the leading transgressor. I myself am a Cooper fan but that’s just a strange masochistic fetish. Finishing a Cooper novel gives one a sense of accomplishment probably akin to surviving cancer.

All of these writers have sold literally millions and millions of books in the last 200-or-so years. Yet I am certain very few of those books are ever actually read. And if you come across them in used bookstores the proof is in the fact that even used their books tend to be in perfect condition. And if you look at used copies of Ayn Rand’s works (the extremely terrible author who started this rant) you will find hers appear to have not only never been read, but possibly they have never been opened.

Rivera’s Injury May End His Career

Geraldo Rivera has suffered a life-threatening news injury that may spell the end of his long and varied career. “It’s about as bad as it can be for a newsman, and especially for this newsman” said Fox News president Roger Ailes. “It’s a torn mustache – a very bad tear and it doesn’t look like the mustache can be saved.”