Report: Holder Knew About Petraeus Affair

Fox News is reporting that Attorney General Eric Holder has known since late summer of the affair between CIA Director Gen. David Petraeus and writer Paula Broadwell. Many find it unbelievable that President Barack Obama only learned of the situation last Thursday in light of the revelations of Holder’s knowledge of the revelations of Petraeus’ affair.

“The timing between the President’s reelection and the start of the hearings into the CIA role in the Benghazi, Libya attacks is totally coincidental” a White House source said, adding “and even if it wasn’t what is anyone going to do about it now? The election is over! Nya nya nya nya nya!”

Petraeus met Broadwell, who is is appropriately named, when the much younger woman approached him as the subject of her graduate dissertation. Once Petraeus was put in command of U.S. forces in Afghanistan Broadwell traveled there and was, ahem, embedded with the general’s staff.

Edwards Admits He Fathered Child

After a year of denials Former U.S. Sen. John Edwards of North Carolina has admitted he fathered a child with his mistress during his 2008 presidential nomination campaign. “I will do everything in my power to provide her with the love and support she deserves,” Edwards said, adding “as long as you define love as complete absence and support as monetary payments that I’m pretty sure will be tax deductible.”

Edwards’ political career came to a screeching halt after he admitted to the affair. His marriage also imploded, as did any credibility he may have once had with the American people. Edwards was the running mate for former Vice President Al Gore in the 2000 elections that were awarded to George W. Bush after an appeal to the courts.

Gore commented “this should be no real problem for John, as long as he realizes no one will ever take him seriously again. I certainly hope his relationship with his daughter will have a small carbon footprint, perhaps that will put some positive spin on things, although I know I’ll never go near him again now that he is a political pariah. He should have followed President Clinton’s example and only engaged in oral sex and tobacco product invagination.”

Cast adrift politically and alone and friendless in the cold world of partisan politics, Edwards is considering his career options. He is in talks with Fox for a reality show with the Octomom based on Edwards attempting to curry favor with her 15 children who have the power to vote him off the North American continent, sending him to a small island in the South Pacific where he will try to convince the local aboriginal population that, no, he isn’t that John Edwards and no, he doesn’t have Monica Lewinski’s cell number. If they believe him they won’t eat him.

“It’s really not that different from politics” Edwards said.