Evidence In Hang Gliding Accident “Retrieved”

The Royal Canadian Mounted Police have retrieved a memory card that may contain evidence in the death of a woman who fell from a hang glider. Lenami Godinez-Avila fell hundreds of feet to her death during a tandem hang-gliding flight with an instructor. William Jonathan Orders, 50, the hang gliding instructor who was arrested and charged with obstructing justice, apparently removed the memory card from an on-board video camera and swallowed it.

Fans Send Well-Wishes To Soccer Star Who Was Dead For 78 Minutes

Fans at Liverpool's FA Cup quarterfinal against Stoke City send their best wishes to Bolton Wanderers player Fabrice Muamba.

Soccer star Fabrice Muamba suffered a heart attack during an FA Cup match Saturday.  The 23-year-old mid-fielder for the Bolton Wanderers was given 15 cardiac shocks and was technically dead for 78 minutes. He is said to be in good spirits and speaking in both English and French, however all he says is “ass piano” over and over again.

Wait A Second….

Everyone who is working themselves into a depressive frenzy wailing over Whitney Houston drowning in a bathtub full of her own vomit please stop and give a thought to, say,  all those people in Syria who are being slaughtered by their own government, or the soldiers who just died in Afghanistan for no really good reason, or really just about anyone who wasn’t a pampered pop star who made bad choices and are responsible for their own tragic demise, but are instead victims of an unjust and uncaring world.

Just sayin’

Professor Leaps To Death During Class

A Philadelphia college professor killed himself by diving over a second-floor railing inside a campus building during class.

Police say the 71-year-old math professor yelled at the students as he leaped: “I’m falling at 32 feet per-second squared, and it’s exactly 28 feet 7 inches to the ground – how long will it take me to – “.

Chavez To Return To Cuba For Treatment

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez announced he will return to Cuba to undergo chemotherapy treatment.

“I have faith in God, in medical science … in the people who have taken care of me and finally in myself,” he said during a message broadcast on state TV.

But Chavez apparently has no faith in Venezuelan health care, which must be pretty bad if he’s going to Cuba for treatment. Cuban authorities announced they have a 1958 Ford Edsel ambulance standing-by at the airport to take Chavez to the hospital when he arrives.

This Cuban ambulance is always on standby to whisk Hugo Chavez to the hospital any time he needs it.

Nancy Grace Reacts To The Casey Anthony Verdict

CNN personality Nancy Grace, who tried, convicted, and virtually executed Casey Anthony for the murder of her daughter Caylee Anthony, reacts to the verdict of not-guilty on charges of murder, child abuse, and manslaughter.

U.S. Nuclear Plants Threatened By Floods, Wild Fires

NRC spokesmen claim flooding around a Nebraska nuclear power plant poses no threat.

The Nuclear Regulatory Commission is downplaying disaster threats to U.S. nuclear plants in Nebraska and New Mexico. They claim there is no similarity to the disaster at the Fukushima nuclear plant in Japan.

“In Japan there was an earthquake followed by a flood of seawater. In Nebraska there was no earthquake and the plant is being flooded with fresh water – totally different thing. Unless the water gets higher than say two feet and two inches inches. Then it will pour into the containment vessels and you’ll see massive explosions and melt-downs that will sterilize the entire state. But there is absolutely no chance the water will exceed the safe depth.”

Nebraska disaster response officials say the water surrounding the plant is at two feet, with more rain on the way.

This nuclear plant at Los Alamos, New Mexico is in the path of raging wildfires - but an NRC spokesman says the flames won't get close enough to be a threat.

Meanwhile, in New Mexico, another nuclear plant at Los Alamos is surrounded by raging wildfires. Again an NRC spokesman says there is nothing to worry about. “This isn’t anything like Japan, where they had an earthquake, a flood, and then major fires at the Fukushima plant. There were no earthquakes or floods here. Earthquakes and flooding are the real problems – I mean the fire would have to completely consume that plant, and to do that there would have to be high temperatures combined with high wind – and what are the chances of that?”

The New Mexico weather service has predicted high temperatures combined with wind will sweep the state for the next several days.

Peter Falk Dies At Age 83

R.I.P. Peter Falk 1927 - 2011

We all remember him as “Columbo”, but Peter Falk had a long and varied career on television and in movies. He started in television in the 1950s on shows such as “Robert Montgomery Presents” and “Kraft Theater”. In the 1960s he did comedic movies including Stanley Kramer’s “It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad World” and “Robin And The 7 Hoods”. And in 1968 he created the role of “Columbo”, which he would return to over the next 35 years.

Falk did some of his most compelling work in partnership with his good friend John Cassavetes: “Husbands” in 1970, “A Woman Under The Influence” in 1974, and “Mikey And Nicky” in 1976 (directed by Elaine May).

In 1984 Falk appeared as the grandfather character who narrates “The Princess Bride”. Prior to that he appeared in the whodunnit send-ups “Murder By Death” (1976) and “The Cheap Detective” (1978). In 2009 Falk made his final appearance in the film “American Cowslip” with Diane Ladd, Bruce Dern, and Val Kilmer.

Equally at home in comedy and drama Falk never had those “dry” periods that actors often experience – he was always in demand as his IMDB entry shows. His gruff voice, everyman looks, glass eye, and ability to fit these attributes to almost any role kept him in demand. He lost the eye when he was three due to cancer.

Contrary to popular belief Falk was not of Italian ancestry: his father “was of Russian Jewish ancestry and his mother was of Polish Jewish, with a mix of Hungarian and Czech Jewish ancestry further back” according to IMDB.

Also contrary to popular belief his “Columbo” rain coat is not in the Smithsonian – he claimed it was in his “upstairs closet”. If you’d like a “Columbo” raincoat of your own you can get a brand new one from Freeman’s Sporting Club. And did you ever wonder why a detective in Los Angeles wore a raincoat, anyway?

al Zawahiri Elected To Lead al Qaeda

Ayman al Zawahiri has been selected to lead the al Qaeda terrorist organization following the surprise resignation of Osama bin Laden. “Al was the only real choice” one jihadi said, adding “really – he was the only choice – he was the only one on the ballot”.

Ayman al Zawahiri has been chosen to lead the al Qaeda terrorist organization by a landslide vote of 1.

Photographic enhancement reveals what that thing on al Zawahiri’s forehead is:

al Zawahiri has apparently found new ways to bring money into al Qaeda's coffers.

U.S. Drops Charges Against Osama bin Laden

The United States dropped all criminal charges against al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden yesterday. “It’s rather embarrassing” Attorney General Eric Holder said. “I’m sure if the President had known the charges would be dropped he wouldn’t have killed him. We should probably have some kind of law that states people are innocent until proven guilty, or something.”

Or maybe we just shouldn’t waste time making formal charges against someone we have absolutely no plans to ever bring to trial, but instead shoot on sight. Not that shooting bin Laden was a bad thing, just maybe injudicious if there were actual pending criminal charges against him.

Osama bin Laden reacts to news the U.S. has formally dropped all charges against him.

From The Diary Of Osama bin Laden #2

May 1, 2011

Dear Diary,

My wives keep nagging me to take them out. “We never go anywhere!” they whine, and needle me with “What happened to the fun-loving Jihadi we married?” I keep telling them we can’t leave the compound – we’re in hiding for Allah’s sake! Of course I would love to make a night of it in Islamabad, just to have a good meal – I mean the only pizza place that delivers here is Domino’s! Their crust sucks!

Oh! There is the door bell! Maybe it’s the courier with some new porn!

From The Diary Of Osama bin Laden #1

April 28 2011

Dear Diary,

Why have they not voted Kirstie Alley off of “Dancing With The Stars”? I have camels that are more graceful! It’s a conspiracy – they are rigging the voting because her weight loss is good PR! This is just the kind of thing that makes me wish death to America!

Cheney Thinks Ending Torture Is A Mistake

Ex-Vice President Dick “Dick” Cheney says “I am still concerned about the fact that, I think a lot of the techniques that we had used to keep the country safe for more than seven years are no longer available. That they’ve been sort of taken off the table, if you will.” Cheney said he’ll miss weekends at the Guantanamo prison camp where “I spent many enjoyable hours electrocuting Muslim genitalia. There’s just nothing quite like that sizzle of terrorist scrotum!”

Ex-Vice President Cheney bemoans the end of "enhanced" interrogation methods.

World To End May 21, 2011

Judgment Day® May 21, 2011

SATURDAY

SATURDAY

SATURDAY

Get your tickets now while they last to the biggest civilization elimination event of the millennium!

See nitro-burning fire-breathing devils and demons drag the damned down to ETERNAL SUFFERING!

See fleecy cloud-riding angels and cherubim lift the saved into heaven’s embrace in MIND-BLOWING 3D!

Good seats still available!

THAT’S

Judgment Day® May 21, 2011

SATURDAY

SATURDAY

SATURDAY

Iowa Minutemen Upset About School Security Drill

Here’s a story over on FoxNews.com about how some Iowa gun nuts are pissed-off with a school security exercise. Apparently the mock shooting scenario involves a racist student with a gun shooting another student.

Robert Ussery, state director of Iowa Minutemen said “I believe it’s politically motivated, it’s wrong and it’s a slap in the fact to any person that loves our country and is concerned about our border security.”

Let’s get Aristotelian here.

A: If you are going to go on a killing spree you probably own a gun, and if you own a gun you are probably pro-gun ownership.
B: If you are going on a racially motivated killing spree it’s a good guess you might be a racist.

I don’t think the implication is that all gun owners are insane racists, just that most insane racists are probably gun owners.

However, if you belong to an organization that is strongly opposed to illegal immigration, that “patrols” the border (I guess the one with Missouri) while armed, and that calls itself “Minutemen” (maybe it’s a sexual reference), the chances that you are a racist, gun-toting idiot are probably somewhere near 100%. You have to wonder what Mr. Ussery is against: the portrayal of a school shooter as a “Minuteman”-type crazy person, or the idea there is something wrong with shooting people who aren’t white.

Workers Deploy Radiation Shield At Japanese Reactor

A super high-tech radiation shield developed by 3M was deployed at the damaged Fukushima nuclear plant Thursday in an effort to stop radiation leakage. The shield, made of a special flexible, light weight blue material, was gently lifted into place by members of the “Fukushima Fifty”: plant workers who have volunteered to stay-on at the plant in the face of high levels of radioactivity. “We have spared no expense in providing these brave people with the tools they need to get the job done” a Japanese offcial said.

Workers at the damaged Fukushima nuclear plant deploy a special radiation shield.

Charlie Sheen And The Economy

Why would 74,040 people want to work as an intern for Charlie Sheen, who is quite possibly the next O.J./Robert Blake/Phil Spector celebrity murder suspect?

Oh, he’s going to make $100 million dollars in syndication royalties – that’s why. And he’s just nuts enough to leave his intern a chunk of it after he biffs off after the next comet.

Actor Charlie Sheen consults with his co-stars on "Two-and-a-Half Men" about their future.

First The Good News

After the repeal of the Clinton-era “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” policy you can now openly serve in the military even though you are not a heterosexual.

Now the bad news:

After the repeal of the Clinton-era “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” policy you can now openly die in the military even though you are not a heterosexual.

Just keeping things balanced….

Official 2009 Stiff List – NEW! IMPROVED!

It’s that time again: the annual round up of the famous, the infamous, the known and unknown, but mostly of the freshly dead: it’s the 2009 GraceLessLand Stiff List. There are some innovations this year. First, the list is divided into monthly sub-lists, and second we have instituted a “Grim Reaper Point Score System”, or GRPSS. The Reaper is assigned points based on degree of difficulty, terrorist affiliation, Frenchness, royalty, and many other arbitrary and less-than-sensical criteria. Also this is the longest annual Stiff List ever – not because more people died in 2009 than in other years, but because I discovered Wikipedia already keeps track of this stuff, so a huge thanks to them for reducing my job to pretty-much a cut-and-paste effort! Of course I have added some commentary here and there. Finally it should be noted that a new cause of death seems to be sweeping the list this year: “airstrike”.

DECEMBER

Vic Chesnutt, 45, famous unknown musician, works now worth millions, of muscle relaxant overdose.

George Michael, 70, Sports journalist, broadcaster, and not the gay guy who wrote “I Want Your Sex”, of leukemia.

Mick Cocks, Austrailian musician famous for having the last name “Cocks”.

Yiannis Moralis, 93, Greek visual artist and unfortunately NOT Yanni.

Connie Hines, 78, played Wilbur’s wife on “Mister Ed”, where her only lines were “Dinner’s ready!” and “Oh, Wilbur, honestly!”, of heart failure.

Dan O’Bannon, 63, American screenwriter, director and actor. He wrote and starred in the cult clasic “Dark Star”, and also wrote the original story for “Alien”, and the scripts for films such as “Heavy Metal”, “Total Recall”, and “Blue Thunder”, of Crohn’s disease.

Roy E. Disney, 79, Walt’s much less talented nephew who nontheless inherited the Disney Empire, of stomach cancer.

Nur Akbar, 56, Afghan Al-Qaeda terrorist, airstrike (+5 bonus points for the Grim Reaper).
NOVEMBER (a particularly good month for royalty)

Prince Alexander of Belgium, 67, Belgian royal, pulmonary embolism (+1 royalty bonus).

Princess Farial of Egypt, 71, Egyptian royal, oldest child of King Farouk, stomach cancer (+1 royalty bonus).

Jacques Baratier, 91, French film director and screenwriter (+1 French bonus).

Francis French, 7th Baron de Freyne, 82, Irish aristocrat (+1 royalty, +2 IRISH royalty bonus).

Ken Ober, 52, American comedian and host of MTV’s “Remote Control”, probably of chronic has-beenitude.

Roy Butler, 83, American politician, first directly elected Mayor of Austin, Texas (1971–1975), complications from a fall. Prior to Butler the mayor of Austin was selected by penis size.

Carl Ballantine, 92, American actor and magician who played Gruber on “McHale’s Navy”, natural causes.

Princess Haya bint Abdulaziz, 80, Saudi royal, sister of King Abdullah (+1 royalty, +3 Saudi royalty).
OCTOBER

Norton Buffalo, 58, American singer-songwriter, blues harmonica player (Steve Miller Band), lung cancer (-1 for the Grim Reaper for taking someone I liked and admired – Norton could put on a great show).

Claude Lévi-Strauss, 100, French anthropologist and author (+1 French, +1 French intellectual, -1 centenarian penalty).

Soupy Sales, 83, American comedian and television host, cancer.

Howard Unruh, 88, American spree killer (+3 spree killer bonus).

Joseph Wiseman, 91, Canadian actor who played “Dr. No” (+1 Evil Genius bonus).

Vic Mizzy, 93, American composer of “The Addams Family” and “Green Acres” theme songs, of terminal schmaltz.

Dickie Peterson, 63, American rock singer (Blue Cheer), liver cancer (-1 penalty for member of Blue Cheer).

Vyacheslav Ivankov, 69, Russian crime figure, gunshot wounds.

René Sommer, 58, Swiss co-inventor of the computer mouse (-2 penalty mouse co-inventor).

Fatima of Libya, 98, Queen of Libya (1951–1969), widow of King Idris I (+1 royalty bonus).
SEPTEMBER

John Couey, 51, American murderer, killer of Jessica Lunsford (the inspiration for Jessica’s Law), anal cancer (+2 pedophile bonus, +5 imaginative agonizing death for pedophile).

Nick Strutt, 62, British country musician (-1 world’s only British Country musician).

Susan Atkins, 61, American murderer (‘Manson Family’ member), brain cancer (+1 Manson bonus).

Ertugrul Osman, 97, Turkish 43rd Head of the Imperial Ottoman Dynasty, lung and kidney failure (+1 Turk, +1 important Turk).

John Hart, 91, American actor (The Lone Ranger).

Alan Deyermond, 77, British hispanist (+1 hispanist bonus).

Arthur Ferrante, 88, American pianist (Ferrante & Teicher), natural causes (+2 muzak bonus).

Dick Hoover, 79, American professional bowler (+1 pro-bowler bonus).

Henry Gibson, 73, American actor (Laugh-In, Boston Legal), cancer.

Saleh Ali Saleh Nabhan, c.30, Kenyan terrorist, airstrike (+5 bonus points for the Grim Reaper).

Patrick Swayze, 57, American actor (Dirty Dancing, Ghost), pancreatic cancer.

Thabet bin Laden, 49, Saudi businessman and patriarch, brother of Al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden (+1 Saudi, +1 bin Laden relative).

Jim Carroll, 60, American author (The Basketball Diaries), poet and musician, heart attack (+1 bonus to Grim Reaper for waiting this long).

Maria Christina of Bourbon-Parma, 84, Spanish royal (House of Bourbon-Parma), daughter of Elias, Duke of Parma (+1 royalty bonus, +3 House of Bourbon).
AUGUST

Chanel, 21, American dachshund, world’s oldest dog, natural causes (-1 doggie penalty).

Ted Kennedy, 77, American politician, Senator from Massachusetts (1962–2009), brain cancer (+1 Kennedy bonus, +1 JFK’s brother bonus, +1 swimming bonus, -3 penalty because conservatives hated him so and they shouldn’t get such a break).

Joseph Corbett, Jr., 80, American murderer and kidnapper, suicide by gunshot (+1 murderer bonus, +1 kidnapper bonus, +1 relative justice bonus).

Robert Novak, 78, American conservative author and pundit, brain cancer (+1 pundit bonus, +1 balance bonus for same month as Ted Kennedy).

Paul Healion, 31, Irish cyclist, car crash (+1 irony bonus).

Les Paul, 94, American guitarist and inventor, complications from pneumonia (-3 global hipness reduction penalty).

Willy DeVille, 58, American singer–songwriter for “Mink DeVille” and Puerto Rican impersonator, pancreatic cancer (-1 penalty for Grim Reaper for bad form).

John Hughes, 59, American film director, screenwriter, and producer (Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, The Breakfast Club), heart attack.

Anthony Impreveduto, 61, American corrupt politician, member of the New Jersey General Assembly (1987–2004), lymphoma (+1 bonus corrupt politician, -1 penalty because finding a corrupt politician in NJ is a bit too easy).

Budd Schulberg, 95, American screenwriter (On the Waterfront), television producer and novelist, natural causes.

Benson, c.25, British common carp, voted as Britain’s Favourite Carp (death announced on this date).

Princess Felicitas of Prussia, 75, German princess, great-granddaughter of Kaiser Wilhelm II (+1 royalty bonus, +1 relative of Wilhelm II bonus).
JULY

Sybil, British Downing Street cat, Chief Mouser to the Cabinet Office (2007–2008), after short illness.

Gerald Gardner, 83, Irish-born American mathematician, evidence led to ban on sex-segregated classified advertising. leukemia (+1 obscure accomplishment bonus).

Gidget, 15, American chihuahua, Taco Bell mascot, stroke (+1 annoyance removal bonus for the Grim Reaper).

Walter Cronkite, 92, American television news anchor and father figure who was instrumental in turning Americans against the war in Vietnam, cerebrovascular disease.

Robert McNamara, 93, American business executive, Secretary of Defense (1961–1968), natural causes (+1 dipshit bonus).

Drake Levin, 62, American guitarist (Paul Revere & the Raiders), cancer.

John Barry, 84, American president and CEO of WD-40, pulmonary fibrosis probably caused by inhaling too much WD-40.

John Keel, 79, American ufologist and writer (The Mothman Prophecies), heart failure (+1 ufologist bonus).

Karl Malden, 97, American Academy Award winning actor (A Streetcar Named Desire), natural causes.

Mollie Sugden, 86, British actress (Are You Being Served?), natural causes.
JUNE

Billy Mays, 50, American pitchman and television host (Pitchmen), hypertensive heart disease (+1 annoyance removal bonus).

Gale Storm, 87, American actress (My Little Margie, The Gale Storm Show).

Farrah Fawcett, 62, American actress (Charlie’s Angels), anal cancer (-1 adolescent fantasy figure penalty).

Michael Jackson, 50, American pop singer–songwriter, acute propofol intoxication (+1 Michael Jackson bonus, -1 Michael Jackson penalty).

Ed McMahon, 86, American television host (Star Search) and announcer (The Tonight Show) (+1 pitchman bonus, -1 cultural icon penalty).

Arthur Luft, 94, Manx politician and deemster (+1 deemster bonus).

IZ the Wiz, 50, American graffiti artist, heart attack (+1 graffiti artist bonus).

Bob Bogle, 75, American guitarist (The Ventures), non-Hodgkin lymphoma (-1 global hipness decrease penalty).

Bernard Barker, 92, Cuban-born American intelligence operative, Watergate burglar, lung cancer (+1 Watergate criminal bonus).

David Carradine, 72, American actor and film director, hanged self while masturbating (+3 embarrassment bonus, +1 dipshit bonus, -1 zen interest penalty).
MAY

Millvina Dean, 97, British woman, last living passenger aboard the Titanic, pneumonia (+1 elusive prey bonus for the Grim Reaper).

Danny La Rue, 81, Irish-born British female impersonator and singer, prostate cancer (+1 irony bonus).

Octavia St. Laurent, American transwoman and performer (+1 bonus for pretentious trans-gender name selection).

Dom DeLuise, 75, American actor and comedian (The Cannonball Run, The Secret of NIMH), writer and chef, kidney failure.
APRIL

Maxime de la Falaise, 86, British model, socialite, fashion designer, cookbook writer and gastronome, natural causes (+1 over-achiever bonus).

Beatrice Arthur, 86, American Emmy and Tony Award-winning actress (Maude, The Golden Girls, Mame), cancer (-1 cultural icon penalty).

Alex Lees, 97, British planner of the Great Escape during World War II (+1 difficulty bonus for the Grim Reaper).

Ray Nance, 94, American World War II veteran, survivor of D-Day (+1 difficulty bonus for the Grim Reaper).

Patty Costello, 61, American ten-pin bowler, pancreatic cancer (+1 pro-bowler bonus).

Marilyn Chambers, 56, American pornographic film actress (Behind the Green Door), erotic dancer, and politician, heart disease (-1 adolescent fantasy figure penalty).

Colin Jordan, 85, British politician and Neo-Nazi activist (+1 politician bonus, +2 neo-Nazi bonus).

Henri Meschonnic, 76, French poet, linguist, translator and theoretician (+1 French bonus, +1 French intellectual bonus).

Dave Arneson, 61, American game designer, co-creator of Dungeons & Dragons, cancer (+2 overcoming saving-throw bonus, +3 Vorpal Blade).

Netherwood Hughes, 108, British fourth-to-last veteran of World War I (+1 difficulty bonus for the Grim Reaper).
MARCH

Uriel Jones, 74, American drummer (The Funk Brothers), complications from heart attack. (-1 global funk decrease penalty).

Ezio Flagello, 78, American opera singer, heart failure (+1 opera bonus).

Natasha Richardson, 45, British actress, epidural hematoma (-1 unnecessary roughness penalty).

Nicholas Hughes, 47, American marine biologist, son of Sylvia Plath and Ted Hughes, suicide by hanging (+1 family tradition bonus).

David Wood, 86, British Army officer, last surviving platoon commander of the Pegasus Bridge operation during World War II (+1 difficulty bonus).

Frederick Conyngham, 7th Marquess Conyngham, 84, Irish nobleman, cancer (+1 royalty bonus, +1 IRISH royalty bonus).
FEBRUARY

Paul Harvey, 90, American radio broadcaster (+1 pitchman bonus, -1 cultural icon penalty).

Philip José Farmer, 91, American writer (Riverworld).

Howard Menger, 87, American ufologist (+1 ufologist bonus).

Socks, 19, American Presidential cat of the Clinton family, euthanized so he couldn’t talk.

Snooks Eaglin, 73, American guitarist, heart attack (+1 Guy Named Snooks bonus).

Gyula Sáringer, 81, Hungarian agronomist (+1 agronomist bonus).

Alfred A. Knopf, Jr., 90, American publisher, son of Alfred A. Knopf, out of print.

Virgil Lee Griffin, 64, American Ku Klux Klan leader (+1 KKK bonus, +1 KKK leader bonus).

Herbert Hamrol, 106, American centenarian, one of the last survivors of the 1906 San Francisco earthquake, pneumonia (+1 difficulty bonus).
JANUARY

John Updike, 76, American author (Rabbit Is Rich, The Witches of Eastwick), lung cancer.

Marguerite, Baroness de Reuter, 96, British aristocrat, last heir of the Reuters family, granddaughter-in-law of Paul Reuter (+1 royalty bonus).

Panapasa Balekana, 79, Fijian-born Solomon Island co-writer of the Solomon Islands national anthem.

Bob Doyle, 93, Irish activist, last surviving Irish member of the International Brigade in the Spanish Civil War (+1 difficulty bonus).

Vivian Illing, 108, American centenarian, one of the last survivors of the 1906 San Francisco earthquake (+1 difficulty bonus).

Charles H. Schneer, 88, American film producer (Jason and the Argonauts), Alzheimer’s disease (+1 under budget bonus).

Raymond Parker, 89, British sprint canoer (+1 difficulty bonus, special aquatic capture category).

Andrew Wyeth, 91, American painter (Christina’s World), after short illness.

Ricardo Montalbán, 88, Mexican-born American actor (Fantasy Island, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan), heart failure (+2 Overcoming Wrath of Khan bonus).

Mikhail Donskoy, 61, Russian programmer, co-developer of the first world computer chess champion (Kaissa) (+1 strategy bonus).

Patrick McGoohan, 80, American-born Irish actor (The Prisoner, Braveheart), after short illness (-1 cultural icon penalty).

Rob Gauntlett, 21, British mountaineer, youngest Briton to climb Mount Everest, climbing accident (+1 appropriateness bonus).

Bill Stone, 108, British World War I veteran (+1 difficulty bonus).

Ray Dennis Steckler, 70, American film director (Rat Pfink a Boo Boo), cardiac arrest due to arteries clogged with schmaltz.

Bob Wilkins, 76, American television personality, horror film host, complications from Alzheimer’s disease (+1 Creature Feature bonus), -1 cultural icon penalty).

Ron Asheton, 60, American rock guitarist (The Stooges), heart attack (death announced on this date).

India, 18, American pet cat of President George W. Bush.

114-Year-Old Is Newest Oldest American

With the death of Gertrude Baines on Friday, Mary Josephine Ray is now officially the country’s oldest person at 114. Ms. Ray lives in New Hampshire and…oh, wait, this just in: Mary Josephine Ray has passed-away, just moments ago.

That means a 113-year-old man from Florida, Mr. Walter B. Smy- no, wait, word has just reached GraceLessLand that he, too, has just passed-on.

So, now 112-year-old Pru- no, damn, there she goes, too.

That leaves 111-year-old…ah, crap, forget it.

Cheney Calls Torture Probe “Political”

Former (as in “no longer”) Vice President Dick “Dick” Cheney said the Obama administration decision to investigate “enhanced interrogation techniques” is politically motivated. Speaking on Fox News Sunday, Cheney said the investigation is “a witch hunt, in which I am the witch which is being hunted, which is being disguised as an attempt to answer which is which: interrogation techniques which work vs. ones which don’t, which is a stupid question which should not be asked.”

Cheney greets Obama at the Inauguration

Cheney greets Obama at the Inauguration

Cheney, who should have shut-up six months ago as most former (as in “no longer”) Vice Presidents do after leaving office, is worried about his and former (as in “no longer”) Presdent George Bush’s political legacy. “Do we want a Bush administration that will be remembered for being perky, fiesty, spunky, and perhaps a little casual in the handling of firearms? Or do we want one remembered for how many high officials were convicted of war crimes – say like me, for instance?” the former ex-ex-Vice President asked.

Cheney appeared on the Fox program while in-between flights on his way to the annual meeting of “Chief Executives Who Won’t Shut-Up And Go Away Like They’re Supposed To”, or CEWWSUGALTST, an organization founded by former (as in “no longer”) President Jimmy Carter. This year’s featured speaker is former (you fill it in) President Bill Clinton, who will address the rather exclusive audience on the subject of “Getting The Old Rag-and-Bone Out Of The House: The Advantages Of Spouses Running For High Office”.