U.S. And NATO Forces Secure Route Out Of Afghanistan

U.S. and NATO forces in Afghanistan have reached agreements with Uzbekistan, Kyrgyzstan and Kazakhstan to allow them to exit Afghanistan through those countries, circumventing an ever-more hostile Pakistan.

(NOTE: Actually Herman Cain said “Uzbekibekistanstan”, but that would have made the word balloon taller than the entire image, so we had to make an editorial decision.)

Herman Cain Endorses Newt Gingrich

Former GOP presidential candidate and ex-pizza magnate Herman Cain has announced he is endorsing ex-representative and former Speaker of the House of Representatives of the United States Newt Gingrich as his choice for the Republican party presidential candidate for 2012. And the reason he took such a long sentence to do it was to avoid any questions about his and Gingrich's extra-marital affairs.

Colbert Leads Polls For “Favorable Opinon” Among U.S. Voters

TV political pundit Stephen Colbert has announced his intention to form an exploratory committee to look into the feasibility of considering a 2012 run for President of South Carolina. Colbert currently leads national polls wherein American voters indicate they have a more favorable opinion of him than any of the GOP candidates.

Colbert has turned his super-PAC over to business partner John Stewart of “The Daily Show”, while Colbert uses his “Colbert Report” to ask voters to vote for Herman Cain in the South Carolina primary. Cain has dropped out of the presidential race, but his name could not legally be removed from the ballot. Since Colbert cannot legally be added, nor are primary write-ins valid in South Carolina, Colbert is asking voters to check the box next to Cain’s name as a way of indicating they would have voted for Colbert, were it legally possible to vote for him, which it isn’t.

Colbert is running on a promise to do nothing to change the corrupt campaign finance practices in U.S. elections, saying “The pundits have asked, is this all some joke? And I say, if they are calling being allowed to form a super PAC and collecting unlimited, untraceable amounts of money from individuals, unions, and corporations, and spending that money on political ads and for personal enrichment, and then surrendering that super PAC to one of my closest friends while I explore a run for office — if that is a joke, then they are saying our entire campaign finance system is a joke!”

Cain appeared with Colbert at a recent election-related event in Charleston.

Cain Ends Presidential Bid

GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain announces the end of his campaign in the wake of allegations he had consensual sex with a woman other than his wife. Apparently the numerous allegations of sexual harassment weren't enough to do it - it took something that isn't a crime to finally make him feel dirty.

GOP presidential candidate and ex-pizza mogul Herman Cain announced he is suspending his campaign due to allegations of sexual impropriety that are a “distraction” to his bid in the 2012 Republican presidential race.

After numerous allegations of sexual harassment from women Cain was once professionally associated with, it was the revelation of a consensual relationship that finally derailed the controversial conservative businessman.

“This is obvious racism!” Cain said in his farewell speech. “Sure some fat little white pig like Newt Gingrich can chase tail all he wants and now he’s topping the polls! But a big black man breaks-off a little white tail now and then and the donations start to dry up! People always asked me ‘Herman, how can you associate yourself with a bunch of racists like the Republican party?’, and I would say ‘Because that;s where the money is, you idiot!’ – well, we see now where that kind of loyalty gets you! Screwed! And not in the good way with your hand up someone’s skirt as you push their head toward your crotch!”

You can read more in this incredibly cynical article on CNN – with so many out-of-context paraphrases like “Not because I am not a fighter” (as if he actually isn’t) and “His catchy ‘9-9-9′ economic plan is not going anywhere, he said”, that you’d think it was written for this blog. Of course CNN will probably take those bits out before you can get there – but it really is the most blatant manipulation of the news you will see this side of something on Fox News, where they have absolutely no finesse.

Cain To “Reassess” In Light Of More Sex Accusations

GOP presidential hopeful Herman Can says he is "reassessing" his campaign in light of new allegations of having a 14-year affair. Cain maintains he is innocent of any wrongdoing, but his funding is drying-up.

The question has been asked, why do liberals fear this black conservative? It could be they’re afraid he may force their head into his crotch.

Fourth Woman Accuses Cain Of Sexual Harassment

Another woman who worked at the National Restaurant Association alleges GOP candidate Herman Cain sexually harassed her when he was the Association President.

Sharon Bialek, who worked at the National Restaurant Association’s education foundation, has alleged that Republican presidential front-runner Herman Cain groped her shortly after she stopped working for the lobbying group.

Shortly after leaving the NRA Bialek contacted Cain to ask for help finding a job. She traveled to Washington, D.C. to meet with Cain. When she arrived she discovered he had upgraded her hotel accommodations to a luxury suite, then took her to dinner in an Italian restaurant (always a sign of trouble), and then while on the way to the NRA offices in a limo Cain placed one hand under her skirt and the other on the back of her head, forcing her toward his crotch. When she protested Cain stopped and said “You want a job, right? Well the job is in my pants.”

However, Bialek says, the job was not in his pants, and what was was not the kind of work she was seeking. “I was looking for a good job” she said.

 

Disturbing Allegations About Herman Cain

Startling and shocking new details have emerged regarding allegations made against Herman Cain when he led the National Restaurant Association in the late 1990s. A POLITICO report alleged that two female employees at the association accused Cain of inappropriate behavior when Cain was president of the organization.

That’s right – Herman Cain was president of the National Restaurant Association – the largest national lobbying group representing the restaurant industry. Herman Cain was a lobbyist!

The zen nature of this circular path is frightening because zen is like an Asian thing and China is in Asia. But beyond that, it’s not unusual for politicians to become lobbyists after they leave office, because the only job sleazier than being a politician is lobbying, and political office is like a prerequisite.

But here we have someone who was a lobbyist, a form of life lower than insurance salesman and workman’s compensation attorney combined, vying for the highest office in the land, nay, the very world!

The words “tremendous political mind-fuck” don’t even begin to describe the tremendous political mind-fuck this stunning revelation is. Because if a lobbyist can run for President of the United States then the old saying is true: anyone really can become President of the United States – and if that’s actually true instead of just being the kind of brain-washing propaganda taught in our schools, well, what’s next? Even an ACTOR could get elected!

(Huh? what’s that…Reagan?…OH FOR GOD’S SAKE!)

Strange Herman Cain Ad Difficult To Decipher

GOP frontrunner Herman Cain's Chief of Staff Mark Block blows smoke.

A new ad for Herman Cain’s presidential candidacy campaign has a lot of people wondering just what the message is supposed to be. In the ad Cain’s Chief of Staff Mark Block talks about how honored he is to be working for Cain, then takes a drag on a cigarette and blows smoke into the camera. This is followed by a shot of Cain giving a somewhat bemused and sphinx-like smile.

People close to the campaign say there was a technical glitch: “That shot of Herman at the end was supposed to have a sub-title saying ‘Herman Cain: He’s not just blowing smoke up your asses’ – but somehow it got left out. The whole thing would have made more sense.”

Things We Learned From The Nevada Debate

The GOP candidates take questions in Las Vegas. Guy From Utah boycotted the debate because he thought what happened in Vegas should stay in Vegas.

Seven of the approximately 40,000 Republican hopefuls for the GOP Presidential candidacy lined-up in Las Vegas to take questions from the audience and moderator Anderson Cooper. Several key points were revealed in the course of the evening.

1: Herman Cain and Rick Perry are brothers. While we see no family resemblance Perry made this point twice.

2: Michele Bachmann is a member of the Russian Navy. She proudly wore her uniform to the Nevada event.

3: Rick Perry and Mitt Romney really, really hate each other. A lot.

4: No one cares at all what Rick Santorum has to say.

5: Newt Gingrich thinks he’s on a book tour.

6: Ron Paul knows how to get applause. Say you think war stinks and so does having to pay taxes. Say it over and over and over, as is you really have nothing else to say. Except you hate the Federal Reserve Bank almost as much as Rick Perry and Mitt Romney hate each other.

7: Herman Cain does well under pressure even if he does have absolutely no clue what he’s talking about. Probably comes from working the counter at the pizza joint on Friday nights.

Cain Says Racism Isn’t Holding Anyone Back

GOP hopeful Herman Cain appeared on CNN's "State of the Union" with anchor Candy Crowley.

Herman Cain told CNN anchor Candy Crowley “I don’t believe racism in this country today holds anybody back in a big way,” on CNN’s “State of the Union”. “Are there some elements of racism? Yes. It gets back to if we don’t grow this economy, that is a ripple effect for every economic level, and because blacks are more disproportionately unemployed, they get hit the worst when economic policies don’t work.”

When asked why blacks were “more disproportionately unemployed” Cain said “well obviously because we don’t have the education white and Asian workers do – that’s why unemployment among blacks is roughly ten times greater than it is for whites or Asians.”

When asked why blacks don’t have the same educational levels as whites and Asians, Cain explained “well, whites because they’re, y’know, white. And everyone knows Asians are just smarter than other people – which makes the fact that they’re such lousy drivers kind of surprising.”

When asked how blacks might overcome this educational “anomaly”, Cain said “It takes money. Look at me – I’m a gazillionaire, and I never experience any racism. Green’s the color no one discriminates against. When black people say ‘But Mr. Cain, sir, we can’t all be gazillionaires like you’, well, that’s the kind of attitude that’s holding them back. Racism’s got nothing to do with it. There’s the problem, and that’s my solution.”

Cain Wins Big In Florida Straw Poll

Businessman Herman Cain grew almost 12 full inches as a result of winning the Florida 5 straw poll.

Pizza magnate Herman Cain upset the entire GOP presidential race Saturday by winning the straw poll at the Florida 5 convention held by the state Republican party. Cain took a massive 37% of the vote, more than doubling Texas Governor Rick Perry’s 15.4%, and Mitt Romney’s 14%.

Perry is currently leading national polls, with Romney running second and Cain a distant also-ran. However, because of Florida’s traditional disproportionate effect on national politics, and the state’s traditional electoral incompetence, it is difficult to judge how Cain’s win in the unofficial and non-binding straw poll may affect the race. Perry may actually die as a result, and Romney may lose the ability to feed and dress himself.

Other candidates divided-up the spare change: former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum (10.9%), Texas Rep. Ron Paul (10.4%), former House Speaker Newt Gingrich (8.4%), Guy From Utah (2.26%) and Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann (1.5%). Numbers that are essentially statistically insignificant.

Actually the entire thing is insignificant, considering only 2,657 votes were cast, and those by drunks who were farting corndogs.

Perry Is Target Of Opportunity In Latest GOP Debate

The candidates line up before the debate so an audience member can identify the person who stole her purse.

In a case of fairly strange bedfellows, CNN and the Tea Party Express put on a GOP debate at the Florida State Fairgrounds in Tampa. Texas Governor Rick Perry is ahead in the polls, and the other candidates took every opportunity to criticize him for his statements about Social Security and his record in Texas. Only Newt Gingrich stayed above the fray as he continued his campaign to seem like the “nice” candidate who refuses to spar with other Republicans.

When called on his support of a law requiring prepubescent girls to be immunized against the human papilloma virus, a sexually transmitted disease that can lead to cervical cancer, Perry responded “I will always err on the side of human life – and since I may have unprotected sex with some of these girls in the near future, my life needs to be protected.” Michele Bachmann pointed-out that one of Perry’s aides was associated with a pharmaceutical company that made a profit from the legislation, but Perry had a ready response to the allegation of influence peddling: “That was part of my jobs plan – that’s how we create jobs by helping companies expand into new markets like prepubescent girls.”

The audience applauded Ron Paul when he said the economy would improve if we didn’t spend trillions of dollars on foreign wars. The crowd seemed to like the idea of saving money. But Paul drew derisive boos when he tried to make the case that terrorism is a result of arrogant American foreign policies instead of a rabid and unreasoning hatred of Americans because we’re so free, good, and pure, as Rick Santorum insisted.

Businessman Herman Cain said very little because moderator Wolf Blitzer didn’t ask him any questions. Blitzer tried to send some questions Cain’s way, but every time he did members of the Tea Party audience brandished nooses and buckets of hot tar.

After the debate a poll showed that most voters thought Rick Perry was a plastic department store dummy that can talk, while Mitt Romney drew the most votes for “inflatable life raft”. As usual Ron Paul took the prize for “most incoherent”, while The Guy From Utah and Rick Santorum tied for “who are those guys, anyway?”. Candidates Bachmann and Gingrich were in their usual tie for “most difficult to see behind the podium”.

Bachmann Wins Iowa Straw Poll

Michele Bachmann addresses a crowd of deep-fried butter intoxicated Iowa rednecks after winning the Iowa GOP Straw Poll.

Michele Bachmann has won the first of the nation’s unofficial, non-binding, wholly trivial campaign contests by taking the Iowa Straw Poll with 4,823 votes, just edging-out Ron Paul’s 4,671 votes. Tim Pawlenty came in third with 2,293 votes, making him an unbelievable loser when you consider who beat him.

Pizza magnate Herman Cain ran fourth with 1,456 votes, while Mitt Romney placed sixth with 567 votes, coming-in behind Texas Gov. Rick Perry’s 718 votes as a write-in candidate who wasn’t even on the ballot. Newt Gingrich placed a disappointing eighth, getting slightly fewer votes than a pile of petrified ox dung that managed to beat him despite doing no active campaigning.

The Guy From Utah didn’t take part in the Straw Poll.  Rick Santorum received a single vote, reportedly from the pile of ox dung.

What We Learned From The GOP Debate In Iowa

Eight of the more than three thousand Republican candidates for the party's presidential nomination met in Iowa Thursday.

Here a few tidbits of information we picked up from the latest GOP debate in Iowa:

RON PAUL lives in an alternate universe where all problems can be solved by reforming monetary policy and returning to the gold standard.

MICHELE BACHMANN takes so long to pee it made her late getting back to the stage after a commercial break.

MITT ROMNEY apparently thinks “the way the economy works” is you shut-down factories and make sure your state is 47th out of 50 in job creation.

TIM PAWLENTY likes to fight with short women and instead of raising taxes likes to create “fees”.

HERMAN CAIN wants the country to have “high fences” AND “wide open doors”, apparently making the fences unnecessary.

NEWT GINGRICH won’t answer “gotcha questions” like why did all your campaign staff quit and what are your foreign policy views, and thinks the crowd is bellowing “NEWT” when they are actually booing.

GUY FROM UTAH owns a company that created 10,000 jobs…in China.

RICK SANTORUM’s toupee causes me to have epileptic fits whenever his face is on-screen – and apparently has the same effect on Bret Baier because he never asked him anything.

Fox News moderator Bret Baier conducts the Iowa debate in a predictably fair and balanced manner.

Five Things We Learned From the New Hampshire Debate

The seven Republican candidates size each other up as the debate begins.

Sometimes we have to interpret the stuff the mainstream media puts out there in the guise of “information”.

1: Michele Bachmann can’t make up her mind until the last minute. She announced at the debate that she had just filed as a candidate.

2: Mitt Romney thinks he has already won the primaries. He spread the love for his GOP rivals while focusing on President Obama – and was careful never to mention Osama bin Laden. Instead he targeted Obama’s failure to turn-around Bush’s recession. It was as if the other six people on stage were just there to fill space to his left and his right – CNN strategically placed Romney in the center of the lineup.

3: Tim Pawlenty is a wimp. Before the debate he was lumping Obama and Romney together for their health care policies, dubbing them “Obamneycare”. At the debate Pawlenty bowed and scraped to Romney as if he thought Romney had already won the primaries, too. Maybe he’s bucking for a Romney/Pawlenty ticket.

4: Michele Bachmann may be a ventriloquist dummy. Her head barely showed above the podium. How do we know her lips were actually moving in sync with the words?

5: Newt Gingrich has nothing new to say. He should change his name to “Oldt”. Of course this turned-out well for him in the debate, since all his campaign people quit on him the day before. But Newt just spewed the same old “Contract On America” garbage – no need for a new script.

The Results Of The New Hampshire Republican Debate

Seven of the over two hundred GOP presidential candidates met in New Hampshire for a debate, sponsored by CNN. Though they all tried to differentiate themselves from their competition, the results were mixed.

It quickly became obvious that Tim Pawlenty and Rick Santorum are the same person: they look the same, sound the same, and say the same things. But Pawlenty/Santorum gets agility points for moving so quickly between podiums.

Michele Bachmann and Newt Gingrich are the same height, and though Gingrich has her on weight and reach, Bachmann is somewhat lighter on her feet.

Mitt Romney and Herman Cain are both members of minority communities: Cain is black and Romney is plastic.

Only Ron Paul managed to make himself stand out by constantly implying that all issues are bullshit except getting rid of almost all laws and the Federal Reserve, as he revealed his vision of a Darwinian America based on the principle of “dog-eat-dog”.

The seven candidates struggle to look like different people.