Bachmann Quits While Perry Will “Re-Assess”

Michele Bachmann announced she is ending her campaign for the GOP nomination for President after finishing a distant sixth in the Iowa caucuses, with just 5% of the vote. Most Americans seem relieved they will not have to hear her whiny, nasal, seizure-inducing voice again.

Texas Governor Rick Perry announced he will return to Texas to "re-assess" his campaign after finishing fifth with 10% of the Iowa vote. Perry said he will pray and reflect, mainly on "what a caucus is, and is it dirty?"

Gingrich Loses In Iowa

Super-conservative Newt "Herd 'Em Into Camps" Gingrich addresses a crowd in Iowa after he placed a distant fourth in the state caucuses.

Newt Gingrich finished the Iowa caucuses a distant fourth (13%) to Ron Paul (21%) in a disappointing and humiliating defeat at the hands of Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney (25% each), who finished the race virtually tied for first place.

A crushed and deflated Gingrich thanked his supporters in Iowa, telling them both how much he appreciated their tireless efforts, and how the pair came within a narrow but wide margin of putting Gingrich somewhere but not at the top of the state polling.

But with 96% of the votes tallied Gingrich had to admit that “the electoral system in this country is broken and in need of repair. First I can’t qualify for the ballot in my home state of Virginia. Now I didn’t easily defeat that big-mouthed Mormon pansy Mitt Romney in Iowa. Something is seriously wrong!”

Gingrich went on to characterize American voters as “a bunch of fickle bitches! When I am crowned President for Life I’m going to take some names and do some house cleaning – and I mean permanently!

Just a few weeks ago Gingrich was leading in national polls and arrogantly claimed when he is President he will ignore the Supreme Court and the Bill of Rights, create a “second CIA” as a secret police force to spy on and interrogate persons in the United States (contrary to the CIA’s mandate NOT to engage in domestic espionage), and  how he would redecorate the White House with some “new lampshades – a sort of leather-look, if you know what I mean.”

While such comments endeared Gingrich to the quickly fading “Tea Party” ultra-fascist wing of the Republican party, he lost support with the almost-equally craven fundamentalist Christian element of the GOP. Those voters, especially prominent in Iowa, turned to former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum, who said as President he would appoint only fetuses to the Supreme Court and “get that ‘reproductive rights’ bullshit cut-out of our national body of laws!”

Texas Governor Rick Perry placed fifth in Iowa with only 10% of the vote. He announced he will return to his home state to “re-assess” his campaign, meaning he isn’t quite ready to but will ultimately officially quit. This is quite a downturn for the once high-riding candidate who held a lead in national polls until his inability to speak, think, or even count on his fingers became evident to voters.

Minnesota congresswoman Michele Bachmann garnered only 5% of the Iowa vote, but most analysts think she is so bat-shit crazy she won’t drop-out of the race until sometime in 2013.

Some guy from Utah got 1% – no one knows who he is.

A grand total of 121,459 votes were cast in the somewhat informal and statistically irrelevant caucuses. In fact so few convention delegates are selected in Iowa it’s surprising anyone pays any attention at all.

First Results In From Iowa Caucuses

Santorum Surges To Third Place In Iowa Poll

GOP presidential hopeful Rick Santorum has not only pulled ahead of Newt Gingrich in the latest Iowa polls, but his campaign Web site is now the first result when you Google his last name.

Rick Santorum has risen from the single digits and is now third behind Mitt Romney and Ron Paul in the latest Des Moines Register poll.  Santorum has pulled ahead of lead weight Newt Gingrich, who has plummeted from first place since the debacle in Gingrich’s home state of Virgina, where he failed to get enough signatures to qualify for the primary ballot.

“People have asked me, ‘When are you going to get your surge? You’re not going anywhere. Your message must not be resonating,'” Santorum said on “Meet The Press” Sunday.

“I said my surge is going to come on January 3rd after the people of Iowa do what they do, whatever it is they actually do in a caucus. I’ve always said my candidacy is based on a last-minute, come-from-behind miracle – the kind of thing it’s not really reasonable to depend on in real life. Some kind of out-of-left-field and off-the-wall bizarre circumstance the likes of which no one could possibly predict. The kind of fairy-tale-Hollywood-ending only the most dim-witted and easily fooled people on Earth would ever accept as reality. My campaign has always been based on a total, utter, and complete fantasy that people would ever think of the name ‘Santorum’ without thinking of anal sex.”

Most political analysts attribute Santorum’s rise to Gingrich’s fall: “Voters don’t really like Rick Santorum – I mean you can’t even say the guy’s name without cringing and thinking of anal sex – but it’s more that people have seen through the curtain of lies Newt Gingrich hides behind. People are fed-up with Gingrich posing as an intellectual, and are quite frankly horrified by his assertions that the Supreme Court and the Bill of Rights are obstacles he would not feel bound by as President. Even Santorum’s association with the act of one person sticking their penis into another person’s rectum isn’t as distasteful as Newt Gingrich” one informed source said.

GOP Holds Last Debate Before Voting Starts

The final GOP debate before the Iowa caucuses was a love-fest hosted by Fox News. Candidates were tossed softballs by Fox "journalists" and congratulated each other on being so conservative.

What We Learned From The Iowa Debate

Several key pieces of information came out during the ABC Republican debate in Iowa Saturday:

MICHELE BACHMANN: According to Michele Bachmann there is a new candidate named “Newt Romney”. Although this new candidate did not seem to be on the stage, Bachmann referred to him several times and indicated he was off somewhere to her right.

RICK PERRY: Actually can get through an entire debate without doing or saying anything that makes him look like a complete moron – mostly.

RICK SANTORUM: Still has all the charisma of roadkill – which he pretty-much is politically.

MITT ROMNEY: Still really hates Rick Perry, and doesn’t seem to be too fond of Newt Gingrich. The only position he hasn’t flip-flopped on is the claim he hasn’t flip-flopped on anything.

RON PAUL: Starts to make more sense the longer you listen to him – kind of like a hypnotist.

NEWT GINGRICH: If Diane Sawyer asks “How important is marital fidelity to a candidate for the Presidency”, that’s pretty-much giving everyone a free shot at Gingrich since Herman Cain left the field. As a consummate professional obfuscator Newt was able to answer the question himself without actually answering it at all.

GUY FROM UTAH: Is invisible.

Also, no matter how small several of the micro-sized candidates are, they are still taller than George Stephanopoulos.

Bachmann Paid $180,000 For Straw Poll Votes

This is not a joke: Michele Bachmann paid for 6,000 tickets to the Iowa Straw Poll that she then gave away to supporters and other attendees. And 4,823 of those people returned the favor by casting their ballots for her.

In contrast Ron Paul gave away very few tickets yet came-in second by only 152 votes. Yet the media is strangely mute about Paul’s very existence let alone his performance in Iowa. That’s because the media want a three-way between Bachmann, Romney, and Perry – it will be good for ratings.

Paying for votes at the Straw Poll is as old as the poll itself – the first was held in 1979 when George “Daddy” Bush bought the win – only to later lose the nomination to Straw Poll loser Ronald Reagan.

Statistically the Straw Poll is not a good predictor of anything, because it has only been held six times. Based on that small sample it seems to be a good predictor of the outcome of the Iowa caucuses, but also a good predictor of who won’t win the presidency. But all this is up for grabs as the numbers are actually insignificant.

So what is the Iowa Straw Poll actually about? It’s about PR – it’s a way to buy media attention. Or if you’re Tim Pawlenty it’s a good way to discover you don’t have the stomach for national politics.

Pawlenty Runs From Bachmann Like Frightened Child

Tim Pawlenty explains the reasoning behind his decision to drop out of the race for the Republican nomination for president.

Former Minnesota governor Tim Pawlenty announced he is quitting the race for the Republican presidential nomination after losing to both Michele Bachmann and Ron Paul in the unofficial and non-binding Iowa Straw Poll.

Based on the votes of around 7,000 attendees at the Ames, Iowa fair, where voters paid $30 each to cast a ballot in the fundraising polling event, Pawlenty was a distant third with less than half the votes of either Bachmann or Paul.

When asked if dropping out of the race based on such a minor contest was really warranted, Pawlenty told reporters “I ate one of those deep-fried butter things, and now I have a terrible belly ache – ulp! Excuse me – must get to the restroom! Out of the way!”

Bachmann Wins Iowa Straw Poll

Michele Bachmann addresses a crowd of deep-fried butter intoxicated Iowa rednecks after winning the Iowa GOP Straw Poll.

Michele Bachmann has won the first of the nation’s unofficial, non-binding, wholly trivial campaign contests by taking the Iowa Straw Poll with 4,823 votes, just edging-out Ron Paul’s 4,671 votes. Tim Pawlenty came in third with 2,293 votes, making him an unbelievable loser when you consider who beat him.

Pizza magnate Herman Cain ran fourth with 1,456 votes, while Mitt Romney placed sixth with 567 votes, coming-in behind Texas Gov. Rick Perry’s 718 votes as a write-in candidate who wasn’t even on the ballot. Newt Gingrich placed a disappointing eighth, getting slightly fewer votes than a pile of petrified ox dung that managed to beat him despite doing no active campaigning.

The Guy From Utah didn’t take part in the Straw Poll.  Rick Santorum received a single vote, reportedly from the pile of ox dung.

GOP Candidates Compete For Votes In Iowa Straw Poll

Some of the more than five thousand GOP presidential nomination candidates appear before voters in the Iowa Straw Poll.

What We Learned From The GOP Debate In Iowa

Eight of the more than three thousand Republican candidates for the party's presidential nomination met in Iowa Thursday.

Here a few tidbits of information we picked up from the latest GOP debate in Iowa:

RON PAUL lives in an alternate universe where all problems can be solved by reforming monetary policy and returning to the gold standard.

MICHELE BACHMANN takes so long to pee it made her late getting back to the stage after a commercial break.

MITT ROMNEY apparently thinks “the way the economy works” is you shut-down factories and make sure your state is 47th out of 50 in job creation.

TIM PAWLENTY likes to fight with short women and instead of raising taxes likes to create “fees”.

HERMAN CAIN wants the country to have “high fences” AND “wide open doors”, apparently making the fences unnecessary.

NEWT GINGRICH won’t answer “gotcha questions” like why did all your campaign staff quit and what are your foreign policy views, and thinks the crowd is bellowing “NEWT” when they are actually booing.

GUY FROM UTAH owns a company that created 10,000 jobs…in China.

RICK SANTORUM’s toupee causes me to have epileptic fits whenever his face is on-screen – and apparently has the same effect on Bret Baier because he never asked him anything.

Fox News moderator Bret Baier conducts the Iowa debate in a predictably fair and balanced manner.

Bachmann Compares Herself To Serial Killer

GOP presidential candidate Michele Bachmann confused John Wayne the actor with John Wayne Gacy the serial killer.

GOP presidential candidate Michele Bachmann said “I want them [voters] to know just like John Wayne is from Waterloo Iowa, that’s the spirit I have too,” while being interviewed on Fox News on Sunday. The only problem with that is John Wayne is from Winterset, Iowa, where the legendary actor was born. It was serial killer and evil clown painter John Wayne Gacy who lived in Bachmann’s home town of Waterloo.

When it was pointed out to Bachmann that she had made a mistake by comparing herself to the serial killer, she replied “No I didn’t”.