Official GOP megalomaniac Newt “Bow Before Me” Gingrich has suffered a tremendous blow to his ego and his campaign in the Florida Republican presidential primary. Mitt Romney crushed Gingrich by a 15% margin, making the already diminutive former Speaker of the House of Representatives of the United States of America several inches shorter and almost a foot larger in diameter.
“I won’t be making a concession speech” Gingrich told a crowd of several supporters. “Instead I’m going to pull a Gore and demand a recount. And I won’t forget this, Florida! You’re on my list – once I take my rightful place as President of the United States and Lord of the Moon, I’m going to ship the whole lot of you to Pluto to work in the ice mines!”
With 80% of Florida’s precincts reporting we predict Romney will win with at least 47% of the vote – and with 20% of precincts to go his percentage could go up and be even more humiliating for Gingrich, who only managed to garner 32% of Florida’s predominantly aged and infirm Republican voters, who are often confused when intending to vote for Romney and therefore accidentally vote for other candidates who aren’t Romney. For example 13% of them voted for Rick Santorum by mistake simply because their hands shake and they punch the wrong button, and Santorum comes after Romney in the alphabetical ballot listing.
Ron Paul took-in 7% of the vote, not coincidentally the exact percentage of Floridian voters who are drunks reeling about in the Florida Keys dressed like Earnest Hemingway and pining for the “good old days when we could get drunk and screw hookers cheap in Cuba”.
Political experts say Marianne Gingrich’s revelations that ex-husband Newt sought an “open” marriage with her so he could continue an affair with his mistress may not hurt the Republican candidate in the South Carolina primary – and may in fact help.
“If there’s one thing we on the religious right and in the Tea Party hate more than liars and cheats, it nigg- errr, ‘blacks’!” One South Carolina GOP insider said. “And in order to get that socialist commie nigg- errrr, ‘black man’, out of the White House we’d all get down on our knees and blow Satan! And I mean we’d inhale!”
Many right-wing evangelicals feel it will take the kind of dirty, low-down, under-handed, lying, hypocritical behavior Newt Gingrich is known for to defeat Barack Obama. “What we need is a total 4-wheel-drive S.O.B. to get out there and put that boy in his place! I mean, there’s no way we can beat him on the issues!” an official in the South Carolina Republican party told GraceLessLand. “When the racial purity of the nation is at stake you can bet there’s nothing we won’t stoop to in order to get the job done. Not that we have anything against so-called ‘blacks’ – we just don’t think they’re ready, y’know, in an evolutionary way to rule the country. Not that that means we believe in evolution!”
Mitt Romney easily won the New Hampshire Republican primary with 40% of the vote, making the former Massachusetts governor 2-for-2 in the race for the GOP presidential nomination, with only 48 more states to go.
A combination of tough campaigning, appealing to moderate New Hampshirans, and not being Newt Gingrich led Romney to almost doubling the second place showing by Texas representative Ron Paul (23%).
The still-unknown Guy From Utah surged from a miserable last-place finish in Iowa to the third spot with a respectable 17%, probably because ultra-conservative wunderkind Rick Santorum is not only far too right-wing to appeal to New Hampshirites, but is still dogged by subconscious associations with anal sex.
Former House Speaker Newt “I Don’t Need No Stinking Ethics” Gingrich took a fourth place finish with 10% of the New Hampsharean vote. Gingrich complained that once again negative campaigning hurt him – although this time it was his negative campaigning against Romney that did him in, plus the fact he is just slightly to the right of Genghis Khan.
In fifth place, Santorum still out-polled Texas Governor Rick Perry with 9% to Perry’s 1%. Perry is not expected to pout and threaten to go back to Texas and hold his breath as he did after Iowa, since he knew he would do terrible with moderate New Hampshireens.
Texas Governor Rick “What Month Is This?” Perry has filed suit in U.S. District Court to challenge the signature requirement to get on the Virginia Republican primary ballot.
“Virginia ballot access rules are among the most onerous and are particularly problematic in a multi-candidate election” said Perry Campaign spokesperson Ray Sullivan. “We’re challenging the signature requirement under the Federal handicapped access laws. No one can reasonably expect a person of Rick’s limited intelligence to understand, let alone fulfill these draconian requirements.”
Republican Presidential candidate Newt “Laws Is For Losers” Gingrich is blaming Virginia for keeping him off the state Republican primary ballot. Like Texas Governor Rick Perry, Gingrich failed to get the required 10,000 voter signatures to qualify for the ballot.
The Gingrich campaign said “only a failed system” would disqualify Gingrich from running in Virginia. “They require all these signatures from candidates no one in Virginia wants to vote for – that’s blatantly unfair just because we’re unpopular!”
Gingrich campaign director Michael Krull said his candidate will run a write-in campaign, even though write-ins are illegal in Virginia primaries. “That’s their problem,” Krull said. “Newt Gingrich isn’t just above the law – Newt Gingrich IS the law!” And as if to prove his point he had several campaign workers summarily executed “just because I can!”
On a lighter note, Virginia is Gingrich’s home state.
What’s the deal with Virginia? First the Virginia Republican Party announced that candidate Rick Perry failed to gather enough signatures to qualify for the state primary ballot. And now they have announced that first-no-wait-second-place polling candidate Newt “I’m Even Smarter Than Myself” Gingrich has also failed to gather enough signatures for his petition to be accepted.
“It was a dirty trick on the part of the Ron Paul campaign” one Gingrich insider said. “They switched all the pens our campaign workers use for ones with invisible ink!”
“That’s ridiculous!” a Paul campaign worker said. “We just switched them for pens with no ink in them at all!”
GOP presidential primary candidate Rick Perry will not appear on the Virginia primary ballot because his petition lacked the necessary 10,000 signatures.
“While there were 10,000 entries made in favor of Governor Perry’s candidacy, there weren’t 10,000 individual names – just ‘Me, Rick Perry’ entered 10,000 times,” a Virginia Republican Party spokesperson said.
I wonder how she will demonize Brown as she did Poizner? When he was governor the state economy grew faster than at any time in history, employment and wages were high, and the state government actually worked. She could talk about his time as mayor in Oakland, except crime went down, revenues increased, and downtown was cleaned-up. Maybe she could attack him for being Attorney General, but that would raise the infamous failed Republican attempt to use state law to declare him ineligable. It would also bring-up the massive electoral margins he won. She could try to raise the Norman Hsu affair – but they got their brains beat out on that one, too.
What does Whitman bring to the office? She knows how to run Internet auctions. That’s not even as impressive as being governor of Alaska for half a term.