Sharon Bialek, who worked at the National Restaurant Association’s education foundation, has alleged that Republican presidential front-runner Herman Cain groped her shortly after she stopped working for the lobbying group.
Shortly after leaving the NRA Bialek contacted Cain to ask for help finding a job. She traveled to Washington, D.C. to meet with Cain. When she arrived she discovered he had upgraded her hotel accommodations to a luxury suite, then took her to dinner in an Italian restaurant (always a sign of trouble), and then while on the way to the NRA offices in a limo Cain placed one hand under her skirt and the other on the back of her head, forcing her toward his crotch. When she protested Cain stopped and said “You want a job, right? Well the job is in my pants.”
However, Bialek says, the job was not in his pants, and what was was not the kind of work she was seeking. “I was looking for a good job” she said.
Because of the easy availability of so-called “potency” drugs like Viagra and Cialis, emergency rooms all over the world are being clogged with old people who should not have been having sex. Sure the number of heart attacks and strokes has gone up, but the number one cause of senior emergency room visits is now wrinkle-lock: two old people becoming essentially Velcroed together due to the intersection of their wobbly epidermis.
This is placing an unsustainable burden on our health care system, and it’s time for governments to act: senior sex must be banned – not only is it wasting precious health care resources, it’s just icky to even think about.
A study of the effect of penis size on gay men’s sex lives and health that was funded in part by the Federal Government is being cited as an example of tax dollar waste by the Traditional Values Coalition.
“This country is broke and we cannot spend money on this kind of stuff,” said Andrea Lafferty, president of the Coalition. “This is just another example of the liberal gay agenda that is taking our country toward socialism. Why wasn’t a study done on the effect of penis size on heterosexual sex? Now there’s something we should be spending money on! But to save money we should engage volunteers to collect information. I’d volunteer.”
“The data were not collected using taxpayer funds,” Jeffrey Parsons, a professor with Hunter College, said in an email. “National Institutes of Health funds were not used to measure anyone’s penis size. I spent my own money on that. And it cost a lot in spotting guys drinks and on motel rooms, let me tell you.”
A similar study on the effect of “butt-cheek tension” was also cited by the TVC as an example of “institutional waste”.
Anyone who has the stomach to visit FoxNews.com on a regular basis knows they prominently feature more T&A than all other news sites combined. It’s just another of those Fox Features that says “tabloid” in large bleeding letters. But I think we may have reached a milestone of sorts. Today, FoxNews.com ran its “Fox 411″ gossip column with a story about one of Charlie Sheen’s professional girlfriends appearing in Playboy magazine.
It’s the shot on the right that puts Fox over-the-top here: that’s real pink nipple you see under her diaphanous raiment. Here’s a stunning close-up:
Now is one little nipple a big deal on the porn-drenched Internet? Not really – unless it appears on a site that has about a dozen conservative pundits who invoke their diamond-hard belief in “family values” about 80 times a day.
I once kept statistics on the amount of tits and ass on FoxNews.com as compared with CNN, ABC,NBC,CBS, and PBS. Fox ran nearly SIX TIMES more boobs-’n-buns than the closest competitor (CNN) over the course of a month. The reason why is obvious: people aren’t going to a media outlet featuring the likes of Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly for the intellectual stimulation.
Bristol Palin, 20, details her relationship with ex-fiance Levi Johnston, and delves deeply into her past as she talks about her love of Barbie, Lego, Brittany Spears, Bratz, and Gerber’s Mashed Carrots in her new memoir “Not Afraid Of Life: Haven’t Lived Enough For That”.
In the tell-some shocker Palin reveals how Johnston stole her virginity by plying her with alcohol and then pretending to be Justin Timberlake while on a camping trip. “I could tell by the evidence in the tent that all of my plans, my promises, and my moral standards had disappeared in one awful night in a series of bad decisions,” Palin recounted. “I mean how could I have thought he was Justin Timberlake? His singing was off-key and sex with Justin was much, much better – or at least I think it was, since I told my mom I don’t remember anything about having sex with anyone, no matter how many times.”
Palin’s mother, half ex-Governor of Alaska, failed vice-presidential candidate, and as-yet-uncommitted GOP presidential candidate Sarah Palin, remarked “Of course you can’t blame Bristol for getting knocked-up out of wedlock – as an American woman she obviously doesn’t want to have sex, it’s just a way to get nice things she wants. Of course I’d be happier if she were married. Then I could get her out of my house and she’d be someone else’s problem.”
Johnston also has a memoir set for release in which he says he doesn’t remember the incident: “I have a psychological block against remembering things that were horrifying or that made me physically ill”.
Mating turtles have blocked a runway at John F. Kennedy International Airport as they make their annual pilgrimage to adjacent wetlands. “It wouldn’t be so bad except for how long it takes them” a frustrated airport employee said. “And we have to keep hosing-off the runway.”
A study conducted at the University of Missouri–Columbia has found that male deer mice exposed to bisphenol A in the womb show signs of “demasculinization” and are less attractive to female deer mice. Bisphenol A, or BPA, is a chemical compound found in some hard plastics and can linings.
“The males were unable to navigate a maze and were ignored by females. They also seemed inordinately fond of watching reruns of ‘Sex In The City’ and Kathy Griffin and Margaret Cho specials on cable” said Cheryl Rosenfeld, Ph.D., the lead author of the study and an associate professor of biomedical sciences at the University. “And Justin Bieber! God, don’t ask about their response to Justin Bieber!”
Rep. Anthony Weiner (D – NY) has resigned his seat in the House Of Representatives due to a scandal involving sexual “relationships” with various women over the Internet. The move comes just a few days after Weiner’s wife Huma Abedin returned from an overseas trip. Abedin is an aide to U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, who knows a thing or two about this kind of situation.
Weiner has admitted to engaging in sexual behavior over the past three years via email, telephone, and through social networking services such as Twitter and Facebook. Several women have come forward to verify Weiner’s behavior, and the startling size of his…ego..
Porn star Ginger Lee has accused Weiner of telling her to lie to the media about their online relationship. Lee has since associated herself with scandal-chaser Gloria Allred in an attempt to cash-in on the controversy. With luck there will be little interest in her tawdry story now that Weiner has resigned.
Vancouver Canuck fans rioted in the city’s streets Thursday after the Boston Bruins won the Stanley Cup final 4-0. Furious Canuck fans burned cars, looted stores, and had sex in the middle of the road to protest the fact their team couldn’t beat a bunch of Americans at Canada’s second favorite national sport (the first of course being Freestyle Canoe Dancing).
Some fans took the opportunity to show their support for the team by throwing empty beer bottles at police while chanting the Canadian national anthem “Oh Canada Ice-Bound Appendage Of The United States”. Others decided to mark the event by conceiving a child in the road.
Police suspect some of the fans may have been drinking, which is a good bet as beer is considered to be a fundamental food group in Canada.
Voters from Queens gathered to both protest and support embattled Rep. Anthony Weiner (D – NY). Shouting “I don’t want my kids to see Weiner!” and “I voted for Weiner, not wiener!” the crowd of angry protesters demanded Weiner resign. Supporters, including a contingent from the Borough Rest Home For Ladies and an all-male choir group, insisted Weiner should remain in office, although they would like him to spend more time in the district “getting to know his constituents”.
Rep. Anthony Weiner (D – NY) called ex-president Bill Clinton to express his remorse over lying about “inappropriate” online relationships.
Clinton advised Weiner to be patient: “Look at what happened to me – if you just wait things will blow over. Sure things suck right now, and the media will chew you up and spit you out, but you just have to swallow your pride and take your licks.”
Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY) admitted Monday that he lied about his Twitter account being hacked, and confessed that he did send an image of his bulging shorts to a young woman via the social networking Web site. Weiner said he has had online “relationships” with “about six” women over the past three years, and engaged in “inappropriate conversations conducted over Twitter, Facebook, e-mail and occasionally on the phone, fax, by telegram, courier, carrier pigeon, pony express, those blinking light things the Navy uses, hand signals, smoke signals, and several times using a shiny piece of metal reflecting the Sun.”
Weiner said he will not be resigning his office, leaving his wife, or even feeling particularly bad. “I mean, c’mon, you saw the picture – wouldn’t YOU want everyone to see something like that?”
Did someone hack Rep. Anthony Weiner’s Twitter account and post a picture of a penis, or did Weiner actually tweet his own wiener? Considering this story was broken by Andrew Breitbart we should probably give Weiner the benefit of the doubt. Because even though the Democrat congressman from New York has the name “Weiner”, there’s little doubt Breitbart is a dick.
Paris Hilton was surprised to find out Mexico isn’t a U.S. state. The heiress-turned-TV star, who was in Mexico on Tuesday to promote a new line of shoes, says she doesn’t fear being overshadowed by Kim Kardashian or any other reality show rival with her own fragrance, B-movies, sex tape, autobiography, drug habit, reputation as a hard-partying slut, and criminal record.
“I’m the original – I think that I have the best style and I know fashion. The girls all love my style. When they buy my products they can be like me. I’m a goddamn inspiration!”
Shakespeare, Milton, Fielding, and Thoreau were lying about on the floor after having sex. As Thoreau passed a joint to Milton he said “I’d rather be here with you three than with the finest people on Earth”. Shakespeare immediately scribbled this down for use in his next play.
A tearful Tiger Woods apologized to his wife, his kids, his parents, his fans, everyone in the room, everyone watching on television, and to a potted fern next to the lectern for having the kind of sex life most men only dream about.
Because the soulless ratings whores in the news media saturated the universe with Woods’ private sexual escapades with real whores, Woods had no choice but to read a carefully prepared statement to a room full of carefully picked spectators, without answering any questions that aren’t anyone else’s business anyway. At one point he held his onion-drenched hands up to his eyes and cried. Then he hugged his mom and ran like hell back into “rehab”.
What kind of rehab? Probably he sits in a quiet room while someone with a calculator adds up all the money he’s lost in endorsements and winnings, while Tiger studiously chants “money not pussy, money not pussy,…”.
Many of the companies Woods worked for as a pitchman have said they will take him back now that doing so has the least shred of respectability attached to it, no matter how tenuous. They of course have not apologized for over-reacting in the first place and dropping him because they are fearful mercantile whores.
And one of the whores Woods had sex with has hired attorney-to-the-scummy Gloria Allred and held a press conference where she claims Woods lied to her. She claims he said he loved her, and that she was the only woman he was cheating on his wife with. Allred will seek undetermined damages for Woods deceitful behavior in lying to the woman who was screwing him behind his wife’s back.
Elin Woods, Tiger’s wife, was not present at the completely spontaneous scripted and planned apology. She has not decided yet if she will stay with Woods, or leave him to do her own reality show “I Can Now Make More Money Than He Did By Being A Victim”.
Sorry – but we’d say not a penny over $10,000 – Tiger got screwed.
This Fox News story asks the question: Did Neanderthals and Homo Sapiens do the nasty? Our question would be: And did they take pictures? And why did we survive and Neanderthals die-out? Was it because they had inadequate health care?
Does Neanderthal/Homo Sapiens inter-breeding explain political conservatism? There are so many questions that only continued research can answer.
Apparently holding dildo parties is considered research at Duke University. As at the Tupperware parties their moms used to hold, female Duke students were invited to gather and peruse sex toys so researchers could gauge if handling large plastic penises in any way affected their feelings about sex. The director of the Duke Catholic Center objected, probably on the grounds that you don’t get any new catholics if you use a rubber wang. Researchers countered the complaint by noting the “study” was peer-reviewed before starting - although we have to wonder exactly whose peers did the reviewing.
This story on CNN’s site explores the male obsession with the female with the red hair. At one point the writer claims there is no complementary obsession on the part of women toward red-haired men. I beg to differ, because
I WAS A MALE REDHEAD
That’s right, there was a time when my head was literally sprouting thick luxurious wavy locks of strawberry-blonde goodness that were the envy of other males and the lusting heart’s desire of all women, no matter what age or even sexual orientation. I had an advantage over other red-headed males in that my skin wasn’t entirely lacking in pigment, a la Conan O’Brien. And just to make things even harder to resist, I had a full beard of sumptuously silken red whiskers.
Sadly, those days are gone now, and all that remains to me is a red fringe around my bald head. My beard has turned gray. I am no longer universally admired and lusted-after.
Okay – I never was. But there are women who have The Thing for redheads. And no matter how young or old they are, whether married or single, they just don’t seem able to control it. I, of course, have always been much too noble to take advantage of these poor disturbed creatures – not even my mom’s best friend when I was a teenager. She was the one who would always grab my ass when no one was looking and stick her tongue in my ear. I never succumbed to that. Never. I swear.
I, too, went through my period of fascination with red-headed women. There really is something about them that was at first difficult to articulate. And then, one day in the midst of a particularly onerous red-on-red relationship, it hit me. You know the story about how if there are 100 men in a room, and 99 of them are the nicest guys on the planet, all the women will be crowded around the one asshole? That’s the deal with red-headed women, but in reverse, gender-wise. I will, for my self-image’s sake, not speculate as to how this applies to red-haired men.
In short, redheads are bitches. They think their poo smells like roses. They know they are a rarity, DNA-wise, and they think that makes them special. Redheads will give you the time of day, then several hours of the evening, and then kick your sorry ass out in the morning and scream someone else’s name at you as they slam the door. All redheads are in some way psycho. And men eat this stuff up. I call it The Redheaded Death Wish.
This is similar to, but much scarier than, the well-known Italian Babe Death Wish. Italian women have an inverted menstrual cycle: you get maybe three, four, five good days a month if you’re lucky. The rest of the time you might as well be living with a serial killer. But with Italian women you know what’s coming.
Redheads are scary because of the lightning-fast switch from the woman of your dreams who does all that nasty stuff you only read about, to this vicious sort-of badger-woman who will peel the skin off your face and then eat it, raw, right in front of you. One minute she’s telling your friends what a great guy you are, and the next she’s holding her hands apart as if sizing a fish she caught – a very small fish. And they are laughing, and she is looking at you with that “burn in Hell where little worms like you belong” look in her eyes – the one that is very similar to the “when I get you home I’m gonna put rug burns on your ass on the living room carpet” look, and if you aren’t totally on your game, you’re not sure which you’re getting.
So I have reformed, just as a matter of self preservation, because female redheads are the preying mantis of our species. Give me a nice tall, thin, raven-haired Anglo-Saxon, or a well-rounded Brazilian with that insanely curly brown hair, or a muscular Israeli woman who can field-strip an automatic rifle and beat me arm wrestling. Something I can deal with. Because now and then you have to get some sleep, and if you live with a redhead you damn well better sleep with one eye open.