Lohan’s List Of Lovers Lengthens

(Click the image to read the full story at FoxNews.com)

(Click the image to read the full story at FoxNews.com)

Nude Picture Debunked: It’s Not Kim Kardashian

This is obviously not Kim Kardashian, though the Web site that hosts it says it is. Kim Kardashian says it's not her. It doesn't even look like her. Plus, why would she lie about it - you can download video of her having sex. It's not like there aren't plenty of pictures of Kim Kardashian that show this much flesh. For Christ's sake, it's what the bimbo does for a living!

Fourth Woman Accuses Cain Of Sexual Harassment

Another woman who worked at the National Restaurant Association alleges GOP candidate Herman Cain sexually harassed her when he was the Association President.

Sharon Bialek, who worked at the National Restaurant Association’s education foundation, has alleged that Republican presidential front-runner Herman Cain groped her shortly after she stopped working for the lobbying group.

Shortly after leaving the NRA Bialek contacted Cain to ask for help finding a job. She traveled to Washington, D.C. to meet with Cain. When she arrived she discovered he had upgraded her hotel accommodations to a luxury suite, then took her to dinner in an Italian restaurant (always a sign of trouble), and then while on the way to the NRA offices in a limo Cain placed one hand under her skirt and the other on the back of her head, forcing her toward his crotch. When she protested Cain stopped and said “You want a job, right? Well the job is in my pants.”

However, Bialek says, the job was not in his pants, and what was was not the kind of work she was seeking. “I was looking for a good job” she said.

 

Herman Cain’s Week Of Clarification

Apparently, the Occupy Wall Street people aren’t the only ones into hand gestures.

No Sex For Seniors

Because of the easy availability of so-called “potency” drugs like Viagra and Cialis, emergency rooms all over the world are being clogged with old people who should not have been having sex. Sure the number of heart attacks and strokes has gone up, but the number one cause of senior emergency room visits is now wrinkle-lock: two old people becoming essentially Velcroed together due to the intersection of their wobbly epidermis.

This is placing an unsustainable burden on our health care system, and it’s time for governments to act: senior sex must be banned – not only is it wasting precious health care resources, it’s just icky to even think about.

Government Paid For Gay Penis Study

A study of the effect of penis size on gay men’s sex lives and health that was funded in part by the Federal Government is being cited as an example of tax dollar waste by the Traditional Values Coalition.

“This country is broke and we cannot spend money on this kind of stuff,” said Andrea Lafferty, president of the Coalition. “This is just another example of the liberal gay agenda that is taking our country toward socialism. Why wasn’t a study done on the effect of penis size on heterosexual sex? Now there’s something we should be spending money on! But to save money we should engage volunteers to collect information. I’d volunteer.”

“The data were not collected using taxpayer funds,” Jeffrey Parsons, a professor with Hunter College, said in an email. “National Institutes of Health funds were not used to measure anyone’s penis size. I spent my own money on that. And it cost a lot in spotting guys drinks and on motel rooms, let me tell you.”

A similar study on the effect of “butt-cheek tension” was also cited by the TVC as an example of “institutional waste”.

Regulate The Internet

FoxNipple.com

Anyone who has the stomach to visit FoxNews.com on a regular basis knows they prominently feature more T&A than all other news sites combined. It’s just another of those Fox Features that says “tabloid” in large bleeding letters. But I think we may have reached a milestone of sorts. Today, FoxNews.com ran its “Fox 411″ gossip column with a story about one of Charlie Sheen’s professional girlfriends appearing in Playboy magazine.

This is a screen grab of the "Fox 411" column about ex-Charlie Sheen "goddess" Bree Olson's appearance in Playboy. Two sections of the article are set side-by-side in this otherwise un-mucked-with image.

It’s the shot on the right that puts Fox over-the-top here: that’s real pink nipple you see under her diaphanous raiment. Here’s a stunning close-up:

The fine little pucker-button in question.

Now is one little nipple a big deal on the porn-drenched Internet? Not really – unless it appears on a site that has about a dozen conservative pundits who invoke their diamond-hard belief in “family values” about 80 times a day.

I once kept statistics on the amount of tits and ass on FoxNews.com as compared with CNN, ABC,NBC,CBS, and PBS. Fox ran nearly SIX TIMES more boobs-’n-buns than the closest competitor (CNN) over the course of a month. The reason why is obvious: people aren’t going to a media outlet featuring the likes of Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly for the intellectual stimulation.

Bristol Palin Claims Virginity Was Stolen

In her new memoir "Not Afraid Of Life But Definitely Terrified Of My Mom" Bristol Palin claims her virginity was "stolen" after she guzzled a bunch of wine coolers and then played "Find the Squirrel" in a tent with ex-fiance Levi Johnston.

Bristol Palin, 20, details her relationship with ex-fiance Levi Johnston, and delves deeply into her past as she talks about her love of Barbie, Lego, Brittany Spears, Bratz, and Gerber’s Mashed Carrots in her new memoir “Not Afraid Of Life: Haven’t Lived Enough For That”.

In the tell-some shocker Palin reveals how Johnston stole her virginity by plying her with alcohol and then pretending to be Justin Timberlake while on a camping trip. “I could tell by the evidence in the tent that all of my plans, my promises, and my moral standards had disappeared in one awful night in a series of bad decisions,” Palin recounted. “I mean how could I have thought he was Justin Timberlake? His singing was off-key and sex with Justin was much, much better – or at least I think it was, since I told my mom I don’t remember anything about having sex with anyone, no matter how many times.”

Palin’s mother, half ex-Governor of Alaska, failed vice-presidential candidate, and as-yet-uncommitted GOP presidential candidate Sarah Palin, remarked “Of course you can’t blame Bristol for getting knocked-up out of wedlock – as an American woman she obviously doesn’t want to have sex, it’s just a way to get nice things she wants. Of course I’d be happier if she were married. Then I could get her out of my house and she’d be someone else’s problem.”

Johnston also has a memoir set for release in which he says he doesn’t remember the incident: “I have a psychological block against remembering things that were horrifying or that made me physically ill”.

DSK Accuser Accused Of Fraud, Prostitution

Dominique Strauss-Kahn and his wife after a hearing at the New York State Supreme Courthouse.

Mating Turtles Delay Flights At JFK International

The annual turtle mating season has delayed flights at JFK International Airport as the turtles cross a runway to reach their mating grounds.

Mating turtles have blocked a runway at John F. Kennedy International Airport as they make their annual pilgrimage to adjacent wetlands. “It wouldn’t be so bad except for how long it takes them” a frustrated airport employee said. “And we have to keep hosing-off the runway.”

Study Finds BPA Turns Mice Gay

After a lifetime of swilling soda from BPA-lined cans this mouse no longer wants to explore or mate.

A study conducted at the University of Missouri–Columbia has found that male deer mice exposed to bisphenol A in the womb show signs of “demasculinization” and are less attractive to female deer mice. Bisphenol A, or BPA, is a chemical compound found in some hard plastics and can linings.

“The males were unable to navigate a maze and were ignored by females. They also seemed inordinately fond of watching reruns of ‘Sex In The City’ and Kathy Griffin and Margaret Cho specials on cable” said Cheryl Rosenfeld, Ph.D., the lead author of the study and an associate professor of biomedical sciences at the University. “And Justin Bieber! God, don’t ask about their response to Justin Bieber!”

Obviously She’s Been Drinking

Just because you've been drinking there's no reason to make these rash, irrational statements.

 

Weiner Pulls Out

Rep. Anthony Weiner (D – NY) has resigned his seat in the House Of Representatives due to a scandal involving sexual “relationships” with various women over the Internet. The move comes just a few days after Weiner’s wife Huma Abedin returned from an overseas trip. Abedin is an aide to U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, who knows a thing or two about this kind of situation.

Anthony Weiner's wife Huma Abedin returned from a trip overseas and immediately took steps to see that Weiner's behavior will not be repeated.

Weiner has admitted to engaging in sexual behavior over the past three years via email, telephone, and through social networking services such as Twitter and Facebook. Several women have come forward to verify Weiner’s behavior, and the startling size of his…ego..

Conservative blogger Andrew Breitbart broke the story of Anthony Weiner's online activities.

Porn star Ginger Lee has accused Weiner of telling her to lie to the media about their online relationship. Lee has since associated herself with scandal-chaser Gloria Allred in an attempt to cash-in on the controversy. With luck there will be little interest in her tawdry story now that Weiner has resigned.

Rep. Anthony Weiner reflects on lessons learned shortly before announcing his resignation with a distinct lisp.

Vancouver Fans Riot After Losing Stanley Cup

Vancouver Canuck fans rioted in the city’s streets Thursday after the Boston Bruins won the Stanley Cup final 4-0. Furious Canuck fans burned cars, looted stores, and had sex in the middle of the road to protest the fact their team couldn’t beat a bunch of Americans at Canada’s second favorite national sport (the first of course being Freestyle Canoe Dancing).

A hockey game broke-out at a riot in Vancouver B.C. Thursday, and then the riot resumed with traditional car burning.

Some fans took the opportunity to show their support for the team by throwing empty beer bottles at police while chanting the Canadian national anthem “Oh Canada Ice-Bound Appendage Of The United States”. Others decided to mark the event by conceiving a child in the road.

The funny part is these two weren't even at the Stanley Cup final game - they were already doing this when the rioting started.

Police suspect some of the fans may have been drinking, which is a good bet as beer is considered to be a fundamental food group in Canada.

A typical Canadian breakfast

Constituents Protest Weiner

Voters from Queens gathered to both protest and support embattled Rep. Anthony Weiner (D – NY). Shouting “I don’t want my kids to see Weiner!” and “I voted for Weiner, not wiener!” the crowd of angry protesters demanded Weiner resign. Supporters, including a contingent from the Borough Rest Home For Ladies and an all-male choir group, insisted Weiner should remain in office, although they would like him to spend more time in the district “getting to know his constituents”.

Voters from Rep. Anthony Weiner's congressional district gathered bearing signs that proclaimed their opposition or support of the congressman who tweeted his wiener.

Anthony Weiner Calls Bill Clinton

Rep. Anthony Weiner (D – NY) called ex-president Bill Clinton to express his remorse over lying about “inappropriate” online relationships.

Clinton advised Weiner to be patient: “Look at what happened to me – if you just wait things will blow over. Sure things suck right now, and the media will chew you up and spit you out, but you just have to swallow your pride and take your licks.”

Crack Spikes: Gaga Again

I am so glad to be alive at this particular time in history.

Weiner Tweeted His Wiener

Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY) admitted Monday that he lied about his Twitter account being hacked, and confessed that he did send an image of his bulging shorts to a young woman via the social networking Web site. Weiner said he has had online “relationships” with “about six” women over the past three years, and engaged in “inappropriate conversations conducted over Twitter, Facebook, e-mail and occasionally on the phone, fax, by telegram, courier, carrier pigeon, pony express, those blinking light things the Navy uses, hand signals, smoke signals, and several times using a shiny piece of metal reflecting the Sun.”

Weiner said he will not be resigning his office, leaving his wife, or even feeling particularly bad. “I mean, c’mon, you saw the picture – wouldn’t YOU want everyone to see something like that?”

Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY) prepares to make a clean breast of the fact that he sent an image of his erection over the Internet. And speaking of "breasts", a new image of his buff and tan naked torso has now surfaced.

Is It Weiner’s Wiener?

Did someone hack Rep. Anthony Weiner’s Twitter account and post a picture of a penis, or did Weiner actually tweet his own wiener? Considering this story was broken by Andrew Breitbart we should probably give Weiner the benefit of the doubt. Because even though the Democrat congressman from New York has the name “Weiner”, there’s little doubt Breitbart is a dick.

Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY) uses some metrics to defend himself against charges he tweeted his wiener. "Only I tweet his wiener" said his wife Huma Abedin.

Set For Release Christmas 2011!

Gingrich Announces Candidacy

Laughing…so…hard…lungs…collapsed…can’t…breathe….

Newt Gingrich assures the nation he won't treat it like his first wife.

Wills And Kate Drive Home In Charles’ Aston Martin

The Duke and Duchess of Somewhere-or-Other leave Buckingham Palace in Prince Charles' 21st birthday present: a 1960s Aston Martin that has been converted to run on bio-fuels - in this case worthless royal bullshit.

There might still be some Camilla in it….

Paris, Mexico

Paris Hilton was surprised to find out Mexico isn’t a U.S. state. The heiress-turned-TV star, who was in Mexico on Tuesday to promote a new line of shoes, says she doesn’t fear being overshadowed by Kim Kardashian or any other reality show rival with her own fragrance, B-movies, sex tape, autobiography, drug habit, reputation as a hard-partying slut, and criminal record.

“I’m the original – I think that I have the best style and I know fashion. The girls all love my style. When they buy my products they can be like me. I’m a goddamn inspiration!”

Paris Hilton has her picture taken with people she thinks do her yard work and laundry.

Think About It #1

Shakespeare, Milton, Fielding, and Thoreau were lying about on the floor after having sex. As Thoreau passed a joint to Milton he said “I’d rather be here with you three than with the finest people on Earth”. Shakespeare immediately scribbled this down for use in his next play.

Tiger Woods’ New Nike Ad

It's okay - his image has been rehabilitated

Tiger Woods Sincerely Insincerely Apologizes

A tearful Tiger Woods apologized to his wife, his kids, his parents, his fans, everyone in the room, everyone watching on television, and to a potted fern next to the lectern for having the kind of sex life most men only dream about.

Because the soulless ratings whores in the news media saturated the universe with Woods’ private sexual escapades with real whores, Woods had no choice but to read a carefully prepared statement to a room full of carefully picked spectators, without answering any questions that aren’t anyone else’s business anyway. At one point he held his onion-drenched hands up to his eyes and cried. Then he hugged his mom and ran like hell back into “rehab”.

What kind of rehab? Probably he sits in a quiet room while someone with a calculator adds up all the money he’s lost in endorsements and winnings, while Tiger studiously chants “money not pussy, money not pussy,…”.

Many of the companies Woods worked for as a pitchman have said they will take him back now that doing so has the least shred of respectability attached to it, no matter how tenuous. They of course have not apologized for over-reacting in the first place and dropping him because they are fearful mercantile whores.

And one of the whores Woods had sex with has hired attorney-to-the-scummy Gloria Allred and held a press conference where she claims Woods lied to her. She claims he said he loved her, and that she was the only woman he was cheating on his wife with. Allred will seek undetermined damages for Woods deceitful behavior in lying to the woman who was screwing him behind his wife’s back.

Elin Woods, Tiger’s wife, was not present at the completely spontaneous scripted and planned apology. She has not decided yet if she will stay with Woods, or leave him to do her own reality show “I Can Now Make More Money Than He Did By Being A Victim”.

Tiger Woods’ $15k One Night Stand

Sorry – but we’d say not a penny over $10,000 – Tiger got screwed.

1/3,200th of Tiger Woods' Mistresses

Possibility Of Neanderthal/Homo Sapiens Sex?

This Fox News story asks the question: Did Neanderthals and Homo Sapiens do the nasty? Our question would be: And did they take pictures? And why did we survive and Neanderthals die-out? Was it because they had inadequate health care?

Does Neanderthal/Homo Sapiens inter-breeding explain political conservatism? There are so many questions that only continued research can answer.

Early Republicans realize they may have made a mistake

Early Republicans realize they may have made a mistake

Duke Dildo Disaster

Apparently holding dildo parties is considered research at Duke University. As at the Tupperware parties their moms used to hold, female Duke students were invited to gather and peruse sex toys so researchers could gauge if handling large plastic penises in any way affected their feelings about sex. The director of the Duke Catholic Center objected, probably on the grounds that you don’t get any new catholics if you use a rubber wang. Researchers countered the complaint by noting the “study” was peer-reviewed before starting - although we have to wonder exactly whose peers did the reviewing.