Scott DeJarlais Busts Himself In Recording

“You told me you’d have an abortion, and now we’re getting too far along without one,” whines Scott DeJarlais (R – TN) in a recording he made of a conversation with his then-mistress. DeJarlais wasn’t yet in congress when the affair took place, so perhaps he has had a conversion to the anti-side of the abortion debate since aligning himself with the Tea Party.

And then again, perhaps he’s just a douchebag.

Richard Lugar Defeated In GOP Primary

Richard Lugar, the longest serving member of Congress, has been defeated in the Indiana GOP primary by Richard Mourdock, an alternative Republican candidate supported by elements of the Tea Party movement. However, Indianans can take comfort that if Mourdock wins the general election they will still be represented by a Dick.

Gingrich Infidelity May Not Count With Religious Right

GOP presidential hopeful Newt "Do I Look Worried" Gingrich may not be harmed by his ex-wife's revelations on "Nightline" that he wanted an "open" marriage so he could pursue affairs with women who worked for him in Congress, experts say.

Political experts say Marianne Gingrich’s revelations that ex-husband Newt sought an “open” marriage with her so he could continue an affair with his mistress may not hurt the Republican candidate in the South Carolina primary – and may in fact help.

“If there’s one thing we on the religious right and in the Tea Party hate more than liars and cheats, it nigg- errr, ‘blacks’!” One South Carolina GOP insider said. “And in order to get that socialist commie nigg- errrr, ‘black man’, out of the White House we’d all get down on our knees and blow Satan! And I mean we’d inhale!”

Many right-wing evangelicals feel it will take the kind of dirty, low-down, under-handed, lying, hypocritical behavior Newt Gingrich is known for to defeat Barack Obama. “What we need is a total 4-wheel-drive S.O.B. to get out there and put that boy in his place! I mean, there’s no way we can beat him on the issues!” an official in the South Carolina Republican party told GraceLessLand. “When the racial purity of the nation is at stake you can bet there’s nothing we won’t stoop to in order to get the job done. Not that we have anything against so-called ‘blacks’ – we just don’t think they’re ready, y’know, in an evolutionary way to rule the country. Not that that means we believe in evolution!”

Bachmann Calls GOP Opponents “Socialists”

GOP back-runner Michele Bachmann tries to get her Tea Party cred back by saluting in a manner they understand.

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann tried to re-energize her failing presidential campaign by accusing her Republican opponents of being “frugal socialists”. Bachmann claimed President Obama and her Republican rivals support “socialized medicine … because they share the same core political philosophy about the purpose of government.”

“I mean look at the color the Republican party has adopted to symbolize its ideals: red – the color of socialism! You won’t catch me dead in red!”

An aide then whispered in Bachmann’s ear and she added: “That’s why I’m wearing this nice salmon-colored jacket today!”

Bachmann Calls Tea Party “Dis” A Perry Ploy

GOP back-runner Michele Bachmann says recent calls by Tea Party organizations for her to drop her bid for the presidential candidacy are "a misstep on the part of the Perry campaign"

Michele Bachmann claims recent calls by Tea Party organizations for her to cease her campaign for the Republican nomination for President are a “stealth” tactic of the rival Rick Perry campaign.

“Well, of course, we found out that this is really a misstep on the part of the Perry campaign because these are Perry supporters that came out,” Bachmann told CNN. “This was a clumsy move.”

An aide then whispered in her ear and she continued: “I mean…umm…I don’t mean…errr…that the Tea Party is now supporting Perry! These supporters of Perry aren’t real Tea Party! They’re fakes dressed-up like Tea Party, just like I’m dressed like a sailor in the Russian Navy!”

“It certainly isn’t a blow to my campaign,” Bachmann added after regaining her composure, “because I’ve had nonstop support coming out of the woodwork from tea partiers all across the country ever since this came out.”

The aide once again whispered in her ear: “OH! Which is not to imply that tea partiers are mice, or rats, or like termites or something! I mean, y’know, they crawl out of the woodwork in a good, non-vermin way!”

When asked why Perry would target her instead of one of the front-runners like pizza-magnate Herman Cain or Mormon cultist Mitt Romney, the aide whispered in Bachmann’s ear a third time, and she said “Well, obviously, he’s jealous of my hair! I mean Mitt’s is all greased-back, and Herman doesn’t really have any. For Perry it’s all about the hair demographic!”

Bachmann Says Immunizations Cause Retardation

While we’re fairly certain GOP presidential nomination candidate Michele Bachmann knows all about being retarded, she admits her claim that human papilloma virus immunizations given to children in Texas cause mental retardation is purely anecdotal. Bachmann tells how “a woman” at a campaign event told her the woman’s daughter became mentally disabled after receiving the shot.

Bachmann’s famous recalcitrance to admit a mistake was in full force, however, as she refused to deny the claim was false, only that people need to talk to the unknown, unidentified source to determine the truth. Therefore, in Bachmann’s alternate reality, she is merely a reporter or even a human recording of the woman’s claim – and so not in any way wrong.

Numerous medical authorities have stated categorically that the human papilloma virus vaccine does not cause mental retardation.

GOP presidential hopeful (Wing and a Prayer Division) Michele Bachmann relates yet another of her anecdotal second-hand facts.

Perry Is Target Of Opportunity In Latest GOP Debate

The candidates line up before the debate so an audience member can identify the person who stole her purse.

In a case of fairly strange bedfellows, CNN and the Tea Party Express put on a GOP debate at the Florida State Fairgrounds in Tampa. Texas Governor Rick Perry is ahead in the polls, and the other candidates took every opportunity to criticize him for his statements about Social Security and his record in Texas. Only Newt Gingrich stayed above the fray as he continued his campaign to seem like the “nice” candidate who refuses to spar with other Republicans.

When called on his support of a law requiring prepubescent girls to be immunized against the human papilloma virus, a sexually transmitted disease that can lead to cervical cancer, Perry responded “I will always err on the side of human life – and since I may have unprotected sex with some of these girls in the near future, my life needs to be protected.” Michele Bachmann pointed-out that one of Perry’s aides was associated with a pharmaceutical company that made a profit from the legislation, but Perry had a ready response to the allegation of influence peddling: “That was part of my jobs plan – that’s how we create jobs by helping companies expand into new markets like prepubescent girls.”

The audience applauded Ron Paul when he said the economy would improve if we didn’t spend trillions of dollars on foreign wars. The crowd seemed to like the idea of saving money. But Paul drew derisive boos when he tried to make the case that terrorism is a result of arrogant American foreign policies instead of a rabid and unreasoning hatred of Americans because we’re so free, good, and pure, as Rick Santorum insisted.

Businessman Herman Cain said very little because moderator Wolf Blitzer didn’t ask him any questions. Blitzer tried to send some questions Cain’s way, but every time he did members of the Tea Party audience brandished nooses and buckets of hot tar.

After the debate a poll showed that most voters thought Rick Perry was a plastic department store dummy that can talk, while Mitt Romney drew the most votes for “inflatable life raft”. As usual Ron Paul took the prize for “most incoherent”, while The Guy From Utah and Rick Santorum tied for “who are those guys, anyway?”. Candidates Bachmann and Gingrich were in their usual tie for “most difficult to see behind the podium”.

The Jimmy Hoffa Jr. vs. The Tea Party Controversy

Hoffa attempts to clarify his earlier statement.

Teamsters Union president Jimmy Hoffa Jr. likened the political struggle between unions and conservatives to a war, saying “We got to keep an eye on the battle that we face: The war on workers. And you see it everywhere, it is the Tea Party. And you know, there is only one way to beat and win that war. The one thing about working people is we like a good fight. And you know what? They’ve got a war, they got a war with us and there’s only going to be one winner. It’s going to be the workers of Michigan, and America. We’re going to win that war.”

Hoffa added a statement directed to the current administration: “President Obama, this is your army. We are ready to march. Let’s take these son of bitches out and give America back to an America where we belong,”

The message is clear even if the grammar isn’t.

The conservative media was quick to denounce Hoffa’s use of what they termed “violent rhetoric”.

Gretchen Carlson of Fox News clarifies the conservative position on violent political rhetoric.

Romney Protested At NH Tea Party Rally

GOP presidential nomination contender Mitt Romney asks New Hampshire Tea Party members how to gain their support?

Mitt Romney faced protests at a Tea Party rally in New Hampshire Sunday. Members of Tea Party organization FreedomWorks demonstrated at the rally held by rival gang The Tea Party Express.

“He has not been consistently pro-market, pro-limited government, against government overreach. And that’s what we’re concerned about,” FreedomWorks President Matt Kibbe said. “Also he blinks a lot – have you noticed how much he blinks? It’s unnatural. And he seems very tall. And he hasn’t made any promises to cut the price of a gallon of gas. And he looks terrible in yellow.”

Members of the Express and FreedomWorks donned leather jackets and brandished switchblade knives as they engaged in a bloody melee. Cries of “No blinkers!” and “Yellow is a terrible color for ANYONE!” could be heard as the combatants squared-off in the parking lot at the rally.

Palin To Speak At Tea Party Rally

A young supporter poses a question to Ex-1/2-Alaska Governor Sarah Palin.

Potential GOP presidential nomination candidate Sarah Palin (R-Fantasyland) will speak at a Tea Party rally in Iowa on Saturday. Palin’s extended bus tour vacation will merely coincidentally be in the early primary battleground state at the time of the rally. This wasn’t planned months in advance. Really.

Bachmann Raises Elvis From The Dead

GOP front runner Michele Bachmann discusses her religious beliefs.

Michele Bachmann, currently leading the massive pack of Republican hopefuls for the 2012 presidential nomination, told a crowd in Spartanburg, SC “let’s all say ‘Happy Birthday’ to Elvis Presley today,”

Which would be great except the date was the anniversary of Presley’s death 34 years ago.

Does anyone check this woman’s copy? Let’s see: she didn’t know what state Lexington and Concord were in when the “Shot Heard ‘Round The World” was fired (same one they’re still in: Massachusetts); she thought John Wayne the actor was from her home town – but it was actually John Wayne Gacy the serial killer; and now she has Elvis being born the day he died. I guess none of these are enough to disqualify someone to be President of the United States, but perhaps the trend in dumbness should.

Giffords Returns To Congress

Representative Gabrielle Giffords (D – AZ) returned to the House of Representatives yesterday after being severely wounded in an assassination attempt in January. Giffords returned to vote in favor of the new debt/spending package negotiated by President Barack Obama and Congressional leaders.

House members greeted Giffords with a standing ovation on her return to the House floor, and members of both parties shook hands and embraced her. Except for the Tea Party cranks, of course, but then these are people who go to their own rallies armed with handguns just in case one of their own is overcome by a liberal spasm and has to be put-down.

Rep. Gabrielle Giffords (D - AZ) is a bit overwhelmed by the emotional greeting from her House colleagues.

Republicans Vote To Increase Debt To Historic Levels

By a solid majority the Republican House of Representatives voted to approve the latest debt ceiling increase, allowing the United States to borrow trillions more and go even deeper into debt than ever before in history. Fiscally responsible Democrats tried to defeat the bill but had no chance in the GOP-dominated House – and may have to pass the bill through the Senate even though they have a slim majority there, due to Republican threats of reprisals on future legislation.

So-called “Tea Party” Republicans were dancing in the streets around the country to celebrate their victory over liberals by passing legislation that may someday cut spending by some token amount while increasing debt almost infinitely, thus guaranteeing the advent of a fiscal apocalypse and bringing their ultra-rightist prophets predictions of economic doom to fulfillment.

Liberals all over the country were downcast as their attempts to inject some economic responsibility into government finances were swept away by the landslide GOP vote in the House. “It’s spend, spend, spend, baby!” House Speaker John Boehner announced as the final vote was tallied. “Cocaine and hookers for everyone!”

House GOP: No Vote On Boehner Debt Plan

The Republican caucus of the U.S. House of Representatives has called-off a vote on House Speaker John Boehner’s debt reduction plan at the last possible second when it became clear there isn’t enough Republican support to pass the bill. GOP representatives have scheduled a meeting for Friday morning at which Boehner is expected to continue to cry like a little baby as he begs and pleads with his own party not to abandon him to the wrath of the ultra-right-wing “Tea Party” splinter of the Republican party.

A teary-eyed John Boehner meets with journalists after the announcement that the vote on his debt reduction plan has been cancelled.

Tea Party Thinking About A Boehner Enema

The Tea Party isn’t pleased with Boehner’s behind-the-scenes attempts to squirm out of driving the country to the poor house.

A screen grab from FoxNews.com.

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Bachmann Compares Herself To Serial Killer

GOP presidential candidate Michele Bachmann confused John Wayne the actor with John Wayne Gacy the serial killer.

GOP presidential candidate Michele Bachmann said “I want them [voters] to know just like John Wayne is from Waterloo Iowa, that’s the spirit I have too,” while being interviewed on Fox News on Sunday. The only problem with that is John Wayne is from Winterset, Iowa, where the legendary actor was born. It was serial killer and evil clown painter John Wayne Gacy who lived in Bachmann’s home town of Waterloo.

When it was pointed out to Bachmann that she had made a mistake by comparing herself to the serial killer, she replied “No I didn’t”.

Michele Bachmann Says Family Didn’t Benefit From Govt Aid

GOP presidential candidate Michele Bachmann explains how government money that went to her family doesn't make her a hypocrite when she talks about being a fiscal conservative.

GOP and Tea Party candidate Michele Bachmann told a Fox News interviewer she has a “titanium spine for doing what we need to do” and a “fiberglass anus for bullshitting the American people”.

Bachmann addressed a Los Angeles Times report that her family has received government aid by claiming the money did not directly benefit her family. Her husband’s counseling business received approximately $30,000 for “employee training”, but Bachmann says that didn’t benefit him because “he wouldn’t have spent his own money on employee training – so he didn’t save anything there.”

Bachmann’s father-in-law received approximately $260,000 to help his farm, but Bachmann says “that money was to keep him from growing corn, because if he had grown corn there would have been more corn on the market, and the price of corn would have gone down, so he would have lost money on corn, if he had grown any”. Bachmann’s father-in-law died in 2009, but the congresswoman remains a partner in the farm.

Bachmann paints herself as an anti-deficit, anti-welfare, anti-Medicare, anti-human fiscal conservative. She has often criticized President Barack Obama’s “stimulus” policies, while at the same time she requested stimulus funding for her congressional district. She has also said that congressional “pork” is perhaps the biggest problem in Washington today, but said her own earmarks for transportation funds aren’t pork: “They’re maybe bologna – but all-beef, and maybe a little turkey – but no pork!”