Only in America!
Basketball great Michael Jordan apparently foiled some sort of terrorist plot on Sunday, according to this CNN report.
White House spokesman Jay Carney changed the administration’s story after a week of denying any terrorist links to the attack on the U.S. embassy in Libya that resulted in the deaths of four Americans, including Ambassador Chris Stevens. On Thursday Carney said ”It is, I think, self evident that what happened in Benghazi was a terrorist attack,” Carney said. “Our embassy was attacked violently and the result was four deaths of American officials. That is self evident.” Which is a rather roundabout way of saying it was terrorism but not necessarily linked to any organized terrorist group. Just to leave a little wiggle room in there.
After years of trying to get legislation passed that would gut guarantees to due process of law, Senator John McCain finally won one today when the Senate passed a new Defense Bill that includes McCain’s new military detainee policy.
The new policy allows the military to detain anyone suspected of being an al Qaeda operative for an indefinite period of time without recourse to the courts. This policy affects both non-citizens and citizens alike.
Senator Dianne Feinstein (D – California) said “I object to holding American citizens without trial. I do not believe that makes us more safe.”
Senator Lindsay Graham (R – South Carolina) said “You have people on the left who hate saying ‘the war on terror’. They would never ever use the military and always insist the law enforcement be used because they don’t buy into the idea that we’re at war. They want to criminalize the war.” Graham went on to say “These are precisely the kind of al Qaeda agents this bill will allow us to round up and make disappear – starting with that wrinkly old bitch Feinstein!”
President Barack Obama has indicated he will veto the budget bill, although that seems unlikely since such a veto would take resolve, aggressiveness, and balls – none of which the President possesses.
Here’s a Fox News presentation on how air travel has changed since the 9/11 terror attacks. It doesn’t actually mention anal probing, but we know it’s implied.
The Transportation Security Administration was unrepentant Sunday after a Florida woman complained that her cancer-stricken, 95-year-old mother was patted down and forced to remove her adult diaper while going through security.
A TSA manager remarked “Because of the bulkiness of the undergarment TSA agents had reason to be concerned that the passenger in question may have been smuggling some sort of contraband. Unfortunately for the agents it turned-out that, in a sense, she was.”
Ayman al Zawahiri has been selected to lead the al Qaeda terrorist organization following the surprise resignation of Osama bin Laden. “Al was the only real choice” one jihadi said, adding “really – he was the only choice – he was the only one on the ballot”.
Photographic enhancement reveals what that thing on al Zawahiri’s forehead is:
The United States dropped all criminal charges against al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden yesterday. “It’s rather embarrassing” Attorney General Eric Holder said. “I’m sure if the President had known the charges would be dropped he wouldn’t have killed him. We should probably have some kind of law that states people are innocent until proven guilty, or something.”
Or maybe we just shouldn’t waste time making formal charges against someone we have absolutely no plans to ever bring to trial, but instead shoot on sight. Not that shooting bin Laden was a bad thing, just maybe injudicious if there were actual pending criminal charges against him.
The International Air Transport Association unveiled a mock-up of what it calls the “Security Checkpoint Of The Future”. The high-tech station will herd travelers into one of three security lanes depending on how much information is available about them.
Fox News personality Mike Huckabee announced he will not seek the 2012 presidential candidacy for the Republican Party. “All the factors say go, but my heart says no,” Huckabee, who was considered the GOP frontrunner in several Fox News polls, said on his Fox News Channel show. His heart problems probably include taking-on GOP poster-boy Newt Gingrich, President Obama’s popularity since killing Osama bin Laden, and the usual ephemeral life-span of snowballs in Hell.
Ron Paul immediately announced he will run for the third losing time.
What must Muslim porn be like? Pictures of women in burqas taking their glasses off? A man and a woman – in the same room! A video of someone thinking about sex?
May 1, 2011
My wives keep nagging me to take them out. “We never go anywhere!” they whine, and needle me with “What happened to the fun-loving Jihadi we married?” I keep telling them we can’t leave the compound – we’re in hiding for Allah’s sake! Of course I would love to make a night of it in Islamabad, just to have a good meal – I mean the only pizza place that delivers here is Domino’s! Their crust sucks!
Oh! There is the door bell! Maybe it’s the courier with some new porn!
April 28 2011
Why have they not voted Kirstie Alley off of “Dancing With The Stars”? I have camels that are more graceful! It’s a conspiracy – they are rigging the voting because her weight loss is good PR! This is just the kind of thing that makes me wish death to America!
Ex-Vice President Dick “Dick” Cheney says “I am still concerned about the fact that, I think a lot of the techniques that we had used to keep the country safe for more than seven years are no longer available. That they’ve been sort of taken off the table, if you will.” Cheney said he’ll miss weekends at the Guantanamo prison camp where “I spent many enjoyable hours electrocuting Muslim genitalia. There’s just nothing quite like that sizzle of terrorist scrotum!”
The Department of Homeland Security has announced it will no longer issue color-coded terrorism warnings. Instead the threat of terrorist attack will now be indicated using an odor scale. For example, a low risk of terrorist attack will have the smell of roses, while a high risk will smell like chili farts.
President Barack Obama was attacked during a “friendly” basketball game Friday. The President was hit in the mouth by an “errant” elbow. Alert Secret Service agents immediately wrestled the elbow to the ground.
After being rushed to a nearby hospital the President received stitches on his lower lip. The number of stitches is unknown. A doctor at the hospital, speaking under condition of anonymity, revealed “they got to him just in time. A mouth injury can be fatal for a politician”.
A group purported to be “friends and family” of the President were present at the scene of the attack. They were taken to an undisclosed place for interrogation.
This is hysterical. Here’s a story on CNN’s site about some of the passengers on the plane that the infamous Crotch Bomber tried to blow-up last Christmas. First, about half the comments are about Melinda Dennis’ boobs – which she is very obviously shoving at the camera (perhaps with visions of her own reality series dancing in her head?). And if they aren’t talking about them, they’re speculating that the whole thing was somehow a government set-up, apparently because the U.S. intelligence services don’t think people are scared enough to fly?
Just when you think stuff might be making sense, reality goes awry like this to prolong our constant state of confusion.
Actor Charlie Sheen, a man known for his erudition and reasoning abilities, has called for a personal meeting with President Barack Obama to discuss Sheen’s theories of government culpability in the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks. In an interview recently, Sheen was said to have “imagined” a twenty-minute meeting with Obama, and claims “we only need about five more minutes to finish our discussion”.
Sheen has also imagined he is a noteworthy celebrity whose opinions are valued by the public, and that giant lizard creatures from the center of the Earth want to kidnap Dolly Parton “and use her to procreate a race of superior Country and Western singing lizards with large hair, who will overrun the surface of the planet and destroy all vestiges of Polka music. We have to act now to protect our Polka heritage”.
Former (as in “no longer”) Vice President Dick “Dick” Cheney said the Obama administration decision to investigate “enhanced interrogation techniques” is politically motivated. Speaking on Fox News Sunday, Cheney said the investigation is “a witch hunt, in which I am the witch which is being hunted, which is being disguised as an attempt to answer which is which: interrogation techniques which work vs. ones which don’t, which is a stupid question which should not be asked.”
Cheney, who should have shut-up six months ago as most former (as in “no longer”) Vice Presidents do after leaving office, is worried about his and former (as in “no longer”) Presdent George Bush’s political legacy. “Do we want a Bush administration that will be remembered for being perky, fiesty, spunky, and perhaps a little casual in the handling of firearms? Or do we want one remembered for how many high officials were convicted of war crimes – say like me, for instance?” the former ex-ex-Vice President asked.
Cheney appeared on the Fox program while in-between flights on his way to the annual meeting of “Chief Executives Who Won’t Shut-Up And Go Away Like They’re Supposed To”, or CEWWSUGALTST, an organization founded by former (as in “no longer”) President Jimmy Carter. This year’s featured speaker is former (you fill it in) President Bill Clinton, who will address the rather exclusive audience on the subject of “Getting The Old Rag-and-Bone Out Of The House: The Advantages Of Spouses Running For High Office”.
An excerpt from a BBC Interview:
“No, really, there was no deal to release Abdelbeset Ali Mohmed al Megrahi. It’s like I always told the Libyans, I don’t have the power to release him. What – oh – like the tan? Yes I just got back from a vacation in the Persian Gulf. Anyway, why would we even want to release Mr. al Megrahi? Excuse me? Oh, you noticed the new Mercedes? Yes, I quite like it. It was a gift…from a, er, friend. Anyway, to get back to the point here – oh, hang-on, about 100,000 Euros just fell out of my jacket pocket. Could you just give me hand…?”