White House: “Self Evident” Libya Attack A Terrorist Act

 

White House spokesman Jay Carney changed the administration’s story after a week of denying any terrorist links to the attack on the U.S. embassy in Libya that resulted in the deaths of four Americans, including Ambassador Chris Stevens. On Thursday Carney said “It is, I think, self evident that what happened in Benghazi was a terrorist attack,” Carney said. “Our embassy was attacked violently and the result was four deaths of American officials. That is self evident.” Which is a rather roundabout way of saying it was terrorism but not necessarily linked to any organized terrorist group. Just to leave a little wiggle room in there.

Doctor Who Helped Get bin Laden Gets 33 Years

The Pakistani doctor who helped identify Osama bin Laden just before American troops killed the terrorist leader has been given a 33-year sentence for treason in a Pakistani tribal court. Doctor Shakeel Afridi used a vaccination program to gather DNA samples in the area where bin Laden was living.

Plane Diverted Due To Woman’s Claim Of Implant

A flight from Paris to Charlotte, North Carolina, was diverted to Bangor, Maine, after a female passenger claimed to have a surgically implanted device. Doctors on the flight could find no evidence of recent surgery, and the woman was taken into custody at Bangor and will undergo psychological evaluation. The most amazing thing about this story is you can actually fly directly from Paris to Charlotte, North Carolina!

Senate Okays Defense Bill With New Detainee Policy

Senators Carl Levin (D - Michigan) and John McCain (R - Berlin) announce their "compromise" detainee policy. Instead of allowing the military to detain U.S. citizens indefinitely in undisclosed locations, the compromise allows the military to detain U.S. citizens indefinitely in undisclosed locations.

After years of trying to get legislation passed that would gut guarantees to due process of law, Senator John McCain finally won one today when the Senate passed a new Defense Bill that includes McCain’s new military detainee policy.

The new policy allows the military to detain anyone suspected of being an al Qaeda operative for an indefinite period of time without recourse to the courts. This policy affects both non-citizens and citizens alike.

Senator Dianne Feinstein (D – California) said “I object to holding American citizens without trial. I do not believe that makes us more safe.”

Senator Lindsay Graham (R – South Carolina) said “You have people on the left who hate saying ‘the war on terror’. They would never ever use the military and always insist the law enforcement be used because they don’t buy into the idea that we’re at war. They want to criminalize the war.” Graham went on to say “These are precisely the kind of al Qaeda agents this bill will allow us to round up and make disappear – starting with that wrinkly old bitch Feinstein!”

President Barack Obama has indicated he will veto the budget bill, although that seems unlikely since such a veto would take resolve, aggressiveness, and balls – none of which the President possesses.

Panetta Wants Sanctions Against Iran

U.S. Defense Secretary Leon Panetta calls for restraint from Israel, and asks for time to let sanctions work against Iran. Because it's not like he's in range of any weapons Iranian President and local madman Mahmoud Ahmadinejad might lob at them.

TSA Stands By Adult Diaper Removal

This 95-year-old cancer patient was patted-down by TSA agents and then required to remove her adult diaper.

The Transportation Security Administration was unrepentant Sunday after a Florida woman complained that her cancer-stricken, 95-year-old mother was patted down and forced to remove her adult diaper while going through security.

A TSA manager remarked “Because of the bulkiness of the undergarment TSA agents had reason to be concerned that the passenger in question may have been smuggling some sort of contraband. Unfortunately for the agents it turned-out that, in a sense, she was.”

al Zawahiri Elected To Lead al Qaeda

Ayman al Zawahiri has been selected to lead the al Qaeda terrorist organization following the surprise resignation of Osama bin Laden. “Al was the only real choice” one jihadi said, adding “really – he was the only choice – he was the only one on the ballot”.

Ayman al Zawahiri has been chosen to lead the al Qaeda terrorist organization by a landslide vote of 1.

Photographic enhancement reveals what that thing on al Zawahiri’s forehead is:

al Zawahiri has apparently found new ways to bring money into al Qaeda's coffers.

U.S. Drops Charges Against Osama bin Laden

The United States dropped all criminal charges against al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden yesterday. “It’s rather embarrassing” Attorney General Eric Holder said. “I’m sure if the President had known the charges would be dropped he wouldn’t have killed him. We should probably have some kind of law that states people are innocent until proven guilty, or something.”

Or maybe we just shouldn’t waste time making formal charges against someone we have absolutely no plans to ever bring to trial, but instead shoot on sight. Not that shooting bin Laden was a bad thing, just maybe injudicious if there were actual pending criminal charges against him.

Osama bin Laden reacts to news the U.S. has formally dropped all charges against him.

IATA Unveils “Checkpoint Of The Future”

The International Air Transport Association unveiled a mock-up of what it calls the “Security Checkpoint Of The Future”. The high-tech station will herd travelers into one of three security lanes depending on how much information is available about them.

The IATA "Checkpoint Of The Future" features three security levels that aren't in any way based on profiling.

Huckabee Says He Won’t Run

Fox News personality Mike Huckabee announced he will not seek the 2012 presidential candidacy for the Republican Party. “All the factors say go, but my heart says no,” Huckabee, who was considered the GOP frontrunner in several Fox News polls, said on his Fox News Channel show. His heart problems probably include taking-on GOP poster-boy Newt Gingrich, President Obama’s popularity since killing Osama bin Laden, and the usual ephemeral life-span of snowballs in Hell.

Mike Huckabee explains the difficulty of running for President of the United States if you haven't killed the most wanted terrorist on Earth.

Ron Paul immediately announced he will run for the third losing time.

Ron Paul apparently has fewer heart problems, and is slightly less intelligent.

From The Diary Of Osama bin Laden #2

May 1, 2011

Dear Diary,

My wives keep nagging me to take them out. “We never go anywhere!” they whine, and needle me with “What happened to the fun-loving Jihadi we married?” I keep telling them we can’t leave the compound – we’re in hiding for Allah’s sake! Of course I would love to make a night of it in Islamabad, just to have a good meal – I mean the only pizza place that delivers here is Domino’s! Their crust sucks!

Oh! There is the door bell! Maybe it’s the courier with some new porn!

From The Diary Of Osama bin Laden #1

April 28 2011

Dear Diary,

Why have they not voted Kirstie Alley off of “Dancing With The Stars”? I have camels that are more graceful! It’s a conspiracy – they are rigging the voting because her weight loss is good PR! This is just the kind of thing that makes me wish death to America!

Cheney Thinks Ending Torture Is A Mistake

Ex-Vice President Dick “Dick” Cheney says “I am still concerned about the fact that, I think a lot of the techniques that we had used to keep the country safe for more than seven years are no longer available. That they’ve been sort of taken off the table, if you will.” Cheney said he’ll miss weekends at the Guantanamo prison camp where “I spent many enjoyable hours electrocuting Muslim genitalia. There’s just nothing quite like that sizzle of terrorist scrotum!”

Ex-Vice President Cheney bemoans the end of "enhanced" interrogation methods.

DHS Dumps Color-Coded Terrorism Alerts

 

The Department of Homeland Security has announced it will no longer issue color-coded terrorism warnings. Instead the threat of terrorist attack will now be indicated using an odor scale. For example, a low risk of terrorist attack will have the smell of roses, while a high risk will smell like chili farts.

Obama Attacked During Basketball Game

President Barack Obama was attacked during a “friendly” basketball game Friday. The President was hit in the mouth by an “errant” elbow. Alert Secret Service agents immediately wrestled the elbow to the ground.

After being rushed to a nearby hospital the President received stitches on his lower lip. The number of stitches is unknown. A doctor at the hospital, speaking under condition of anonymity, revealed “they got to him just in time. A mouth injury can be fatal for a politician”.

A group purported to be “friends and family” of the President were present at the scene of the attack. They were taken to an undisclosed place for interrogation.

Secret Service agents surround the President after an unprovoked attack at a basketball game. Administration officials would not rule-out the possibility of terrorism.