Is Your Mind Interesting Enough To Read?

First, here’s a story about recording every minute of your life and putting it online. And here’s one about new technology that can select images you have seen from a database just by using an MRI scan.

Now, I don’t want to seem as if I am complaining or anything, but there is some stuff I just don’t want technology to do, and these are two of them. First, can you imagine what a complete visual and audio history of your life would be like? Every trip to the bathroom, every dentist appointment, every hangover, every bad date, every rejection, disappointment, losing bet, pointless meeting, tax return, visit with your relatives, etc. All right there at your fingertips to be re-lived. Most of life is waiting, digesting, farting, eating microwaved junk, and wishing you were somewhere else. I really want that crap up there in the “cloud” somewhere. It would be the real-life equivalent of having “The Complete Gilligan’s Island” on DVD: what is the point?

Okay, now on to mind reading. What’s wrong with this? Two words: The Government. Two more words: Your Employer. Five additional words: Everyone Who Is Not You. Like it isn’t bad enough these people want to sniff your urine to find out what kind of week-end you had. Definition of stupid: Trusting other people with the ability to read your mind.

You know the kind of stuff you think all day:

  • “My ass itches”
  • “I wish my boss would get a disease”
  • “I wish my boss would strip naked and jump up on my desk”
  • “Damn government has their head up everyone else’s butt”
  • “If no one was looking, I would totally steal that”
  • “Hopefully no one will find out I made up all the numbers in that report”
  • “Nice tits”
  • “Really nice tits”
  • “If my mother-in-law’s ass was any bigger it would have its own ZIP code”
  • “Can they tell I’m into S&M?”
  • “Last week-end I snuck into the wrong side of the confessional and tape recorded my math teacher confessing to having sex with my gym teacher”
  • “I really want to get my nipples pierced, but I don’t have the money”
  • “I’m not worthy”
  • “You all aren’t worthy”

Yeah – having that stuff filed down in Human Resources will be a major plus, career-wise.

Look, it’s okay for science to cure diseases, invent new sex toys, and study the mating habits of tree sloths, or whatever. But stay the hell out of my mind! I can hardly stand being in there myself, and I sure don’t want any company.

Gadhafi Harangues UN For 90 Minutes

Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi, wearing Scarlet O’Hara’s curtain outfit from “Gone With The Wind”, addressed the United Nations General Assembly for over 90 minutes on Wednesday. Gadhafi talked about many issues facing the world today: global climate change, war in Iraq and Afghanistan, the price of snow tires, and how tough it is to get those little gummi animals in Libya – “Especially the little snakes and worms, the green ones, I love those”.

At one point the “Libyan Strongman” said American President Barack Obama was his son “and Pam Anderson is my daughter – not adopted mind you, the real thing. Also I am the step-brother of Pat Sajak. I’m not sure how Vanna fits into that.”

Gadhafi also complained about his accomodations in New York: “These Kampground of America places, they’re awful. Never enough room for my women and my camels. And the prices!”

Moammar Gadhafi gestures with his hand-written "speech" as he bores the UN nearly to death.

Moammar Gadhafi gestures with his hand-written "speech" as he bores the UN nearly to death.

Caster Semenya Debate: Hitting Below The Belt?

The controversy over Caster Semenya continues. The South African runner, who posted the fastest times ever for a female runner at the world championships in Berlin last month, claims to be female. But now information has come to light that a gender test before the Berlin competition indicates Semenya may be male, and that Atheletics South Africa (ASA) chief medical officer Harold Adams covered-up the results. Adams first called for the tests because of Semenya’s deep voice, five o’clock shadow, and prominent adam’s apple.

“We must be careful these days not to promote gender stereotypes” Adams said in a statement. “Just because this athelete has abnormal testosterone levels, a drivers’ license that says ‘Gender: M’ on it, a penis, a wife and three children, and the word ‘semen’ in her name does not automatically mean she may be male. We wanted to wait until after the championships before coming forward, or not coming coming forward, depending on if Semenya won or not.”

Caster Semenya celebrates after crushing the competition at the World Atheletic Championships in Berlin. We are unable to show the athelete from the waist down due to legal restrictions.

Caster Semenya celebrates after crushing the competition at the World Atheletic Championships in Berlin. We are unable to show the athelete from the waist down due to legal restrictions.

Astronomers Confirm Discovery Of Rocky Planet

Astronomers confirmed the first discovery of an Earth-like Rocky planet orbiting in another solar system. The planet is roughly twice the size of Earth, but orbits its star at less distance than Mercury orbits the Sun. Astronomer Artie Hatzes was quoted as saying “We would have never dreamed you would find a rocky planet so close. Its year is less than one of our days.”

Using the newly upgraded Hubble Space Telescope, scientists were able to zoom-in on the planet’s surface. They found an advanced civilization composed entirely of over-the-hill boxers who are trying to make a comeback. “Sometimes it’s hard to tell the people from the statues of themselves they seem to put in front of every building. As they all run around in sweats with their clenched fists raised in the air, it can get confusing” Hatzie said.

Astronomers expect to find a nearby Adrienne planet, because “it’s impossible for a Rocky planet to make a comeback without a nearby support system, even though the Rocky planet doesn’t always appreciate the Adrienne planet.”

Why Redheads? It Has To Do With The Death Wish

This story on CNN’s site  explores the male obsession with the female with the red hair. At one point the writer claims there is no complementary obsession on the part of women toward red-haired men. I beg to differ, because


That’s right, there was a time when my head was literally sprouting thick luxurious wavy locks of strawberry-blonde goodness that were the envy of other males and the lusting heart’s desire of all women, no matter what age or even sexual orientation. I had an advantage over other red-headed males in that my skin wasn’t entirely lacking in pigment, a la Conan O’Brien. And just to make things even harder to resist, I had a full beard of sumptuously silken red whiskers.

Sadly, those days are gone now, and all that remains to me is a red fringe around my bald head. My beard has turned gray. I am no longer universally admired and lusted-after.

Okay – I never was. But there are women who have The Thing for redheads. And no matter how young or old they are, whether married or single, they just don’t seem able to control it. I, of course, have always been much too noble to take advantage of these poor disturbed creatures – not even my mom’s best friend when I was a teenager. She was the one who would always grab my ass when no one was looking and stick her tongue in my ear. I never succumbed to that. Never. I swear.

I, too, went through my period of fascination with red-headed women. There really is something about them that was at first difficult to articulate. And then, one day in the midst of a particularly onerous red-on-red relationship, it hit me. You know the story about how if there are 100 men in a room, and 99 of them are the nicest guys on the planet, all the women will be crowded around the one asshole? That’s the deal with red-headed women, but in reverse, gender-wise. I will, for my self-image’s sake, not speculate as to how this applies to red-haired men.

This is a relatively good mood

This is a relatively good mood

In short, redheads are bitches. They think their poo smells like roses. They know they are a rarity, DNA-wise, and they think that makes them special. Redheads will give you the time of day, then several hours of the evening, and then kick your sorry ass out in the morning and scream someone else’s name at you as they slam the door. All redheads are in some way psycho. And men eat this stuff up. I call it The Redheaded Death Wish.

This is similar to, but much scarier than, the well-known Italian Babe Death Wish. Italian women have an inverted menstrual cycle: you get maybe three, four, five good days a month if you’re lucky. The rest of the time you might as well be living with a serial killer. But with Italian women you know what’s coming.

Redheads are scary because of the lightning-fast switch from the woman of your dreams who does all that nasty stuff you only read about, to this vicious sort-of badger-woman who will peel the skin off your face and then eat it, raw, right in front of you. One minute she’s telling your friends what a great guy you are, and the next she’s holding her hands apart as if sizing a fish she caught – a very small fish. And they are laughing, and she is looking at you with that “burn in Hell where little worms like you belong” look in her eyes – the one that is very similar to the “when I get you home I’m gonna put rug burns on your ass on the living room carpet” look, and if you aren’t totally on your game, you’re not sure which you’re getting.

So I have reformed, just as a matter of self preservation, because female redheads are the preying mantis of our species. Give me a nice tall, thin, raven-haired Anglo-Saxon, or a well-rounded Brazilian with that insanely curly brown hair, or a muscular Israeli woman who can field-strip an automatic rifle and beat me arm wrestling. Something I can deal with. Because now and then you have to get some sleep, and if you live with a redhead you damn well better sleep with one eye open.

114-Year-Old Is Newest Oldest American

With the death of Gertrude Baines on Friday, Mary Josephine Ray is now officially the country’s oldest person at 114. Ms. Ray lives in New Hampshire and…oh, wait, this just in: Mary Josephine Ray has passed-away, just moments ago.

That means a 113-year-old man from Florida, Mr. Walter B. Smy- no, wait, word has just reached GraceLessLand that he, too, has just passed-on.

So, now 112-year-old Pru- no, damn, there she goes, too.

That leaves 111-year-old…ah, crap, forget it.

Cutting The Tea Party Down To Size

Various conservative organizations have been saying TWO MILLION people marched on Washington D.C. and filled the Capitol Mall. Via, here is a link to a time-lapse video (which is itself via The Rhetorician).

The numbers don’t add up! The National Mall covers 309.2 acres. There are 43,560 square feet to an acre. So, there are 13,468,753 square feet. Stuff like buildings, monuments, and the reflecting pool coveraApproximately 2/3 of the mall. So now there are 4,489,584 square feet of open space.

If you figure it takes 5 square feet for a person to stand, breathe, and wave a stupid sign over their head (and the U.S. Park Service does), that means 897,916.8 people can cover the open space in the National Mall (the 0.8 person is probably Newt Gingrich). The Park Service itself says 1.17 million, probably because they figure about 25% of an American crowd will have a topless woman sitting on their shoulders.

Now, according to this chart you probably didn’t download, 2.1 million people can fit on the Mall if each takes-up no more than 2.5 square feet and none of them move – like at all. Also none of them could possibly be fat-assed obese Americans, or wave stupid signs that compare Obama to Hitler, or have the word “COMMIE NEGRO” scrawled on them in crayon.

So where did this incredibly inflated number come from? According to Fox News (people who know a thing or two about pumping air into statistics), it came from the Democrats! To quote the story:

“It looks like Saturday’s event is going to be a huge gathering, estimates ranging from hundreds of thousands to 2 million people,” Doug Thornell, an aide to Rep. Chris Van Hollen, D-Md., wrote in a memo obtained by

But conservatives believe the memo is ploy* to inflate expectations for the turnout anticipating that it will fall short.

“It’s an old political tactic to get out in front and make wild projections and when they’re not met, claim their opponents don’t have the juice,” said Pete Sepp, a spokesman for the National Taxpayers Union, one of the organizers of the rally.

(*Yes, is ploy by Moose and Squirrel)

Even Fox News won’t support these numbers, saying only “tens of thousands” attended the “Tea Party”. Which seems more likely, seeing as tea makes you want to piss, and if two million people all pissed at once in Washington D.C., you would think Congress was debating health care reform or something.

Charlie Sheen Believes U.S. Government Behind Terror

Actor Charlie Sheen, a man known for his erudition and reasoning abilities, has called for a personal meeting with President Barack Obama to discuss Sheen’s theories of government culpability in the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks. In an interview recently, Sheen was said to have “imagined” a twenty-minute meeting with Obama, and claims “we only need about five more minutes to finish our discussion”.

A still from a public service announcement warning people to avoid Charlie Sheen

A still from a public service announcement warning people to avoid Charlie Sheen

Sheen has also imagined he is a noteworthy celebrity whose opinions are valued by the public, and that giant lizard creatures from the center of the Earth want to kidnap Dolly Parton “and use her to procreate a race of superior Country and Western singing lizards with large hair, who will overrun the surface of the planet and destroy all vestiges of Polka music. We have to act now to protect our Polka heritage”.

Fortunately, Joe Wilson HAS The Guts

It takes real guts to heckle the President of the United States, particularly if you are a member of Congress, and especially if the President is addressing Congress at the time. Fortunately for the proud people of South Carolina, Representative Joe Wilson has the guts. Lots of ’em, hanging-out all over his belt buckle, and probably seething with the kind of stomach acid even grits won’t soak up.

Wilson shouted “You lying negro commie socialist wetback lover!” (or words to that effect) at one point during President Barack Obama’s speech Wednesday night, when Obama assured the Congress and the nation that his new Health Care plan would not cover illegal aliens. Later in the speech, Obama called for civility in the health care debate, at which point Wilson vomited down the front of his shirt.

Rep. Joe Wilson (R - SC) charges the podium during President Obama's address to Congress Wednesday night. A few minutes earlier Wilson vomited a large blue tie down the front of his shirt

Rep. Joe Wilson (R - SC) charges the podium during President Obama's address to Congress Wednesday night. A few minutes earlier Wilson vomited a large blue tie down the front of his shirt

Undeterred, Obama went on to summon the ghost of the late Ted Kennedy. Kennedy duly appeared, floating in the air above the audience and, giggling, peed on Senate minority leader Mitch McConnel. Several in the audience said the tubby spectre seemed to be intoxicated.

After the speech, Wilson called the White House to apologize, saying “I’m sorry you’re a lying negro commie socialist wetback lover – really, I am.” There was no report on if the apology was accepted.

Obama Enrages Conservatives, Tells Kids To “Stay In School”

President Barack Obama addressed quite a few of the nation’s students Tuesday, telling them to “stay in school and work hard”. Conservative opponents immediately fired back “I don’t want that commie negro telling MY kids to stay in school and work hard. This is AMERICA and if my kids want to drop out or be slackers, damnit that’s their God-given right!”

Thousands of irate Republican parents pulled their children out of schools and swore they would “never return. Not as long as some Godless commie socialist liberal scum in the White House wants them to!”. School per diem income dropped dramatically, with some states saying they would have to raise taxes to make up the shortfall.

The President managed to avoid any controversial statements in his address to students

The President managed to avoid any controversial statements in his address to students

Obama told the students “This isn’t just important for your own life and your own future. What you make of your education will decide nothing less than the future of this country. What you’re learning in school today will determine whether we as a nation can meet our greatest challenges in the future.”

“Right there he’s indoctrinating them into his leftist ideology” one conservative parent said. “You heard it: ‘this isn’t just important for your own life’ – that’s pure commie-talk right there, telling them to think about others, and the future, and un-American stuff like that! Where would this country be if our forefathers had spent time thinking of others, instead of their own property rights and upper-class prerogatives? Why, hell, probably nobody would be poor!”

Japan’s Nancy Reagan

She knew Tom Cruise in a former life (he was Japanese). She “eats the Sun”. She rode to Venus on a triangle-shaped UFO (and says it’s very nice there). She is Miyuki Hatoyama, Japan’s new First Lady (or “Filst Rady” – sorry, no way to resist it). And she’s absolutely nuts. This woman can deny “pillowing” to the leader of the second largest economy on Earth. Perhaps those plans to let Japan have it’s own army again should be put on hold.

Japan's new Prime Minister and the Mrs. have their picture taken. Fortunately she wasn't invisible at the time.

Japan's new Prime Minister and the Mrs. have their picture taken. Fortunately she wasn't invisible at the time.

Traficant Released From Prison

James Traficant and his toupee give testimony at his corruption trial

James Traficant and his toupee give testimony at his corruption trial

Flamboyant, outspoken, corrupt, and probably insane ex-representative from Ohio James Traficant was released from a federal resort…err, prison today, after serving seven years for obstruction of justice, tax evasion and bribery.

The Democrat has maintained his innocence all through his incarceration, and once even went on a hunger strike for almost three hours, until he was informed that lunch that day would include salmon au gratin and a nice Riesling wine.

Traficant left the facility dressed in short pants, tennis shoes, and white knee-high socks. However, Traficant’s toupee is being held for an extra six months for bad behavior. “He ratted me out” the toupee said in a jailhouse interview.