Ex-VP Cheney Gets Pump Implant

Ex-Vice President Dick “Dick” Cheney underwent surgery last week to have a pump implanted into his chest where his heart used to be in an attempt to keep his brain alive. Cheney has had a history of heart problems since the late 1970s, and has received numerous unsuccessful heart transplants.

“There is no point in attempting further transplants” Cheney’s doctor said. “They will be rejected by the body. He is the only patient I know of whose body even rejected his own, original heart.” The doctor then paused for a few seconds before adding” “In fact, it is not so much that the body rejects the hearts, but that the hearts reject the Vice President.”

Cheney is probably the most famous member of the group known as the “undead” who live of the flesh and bodily fluids of normal, living people. In Cheney’s case his body has been clinically dead for decades, with only his brain receiving blood from the many, many human hearts he has had. Now a pump device will bypass the body’s circulatory system and bring blood directly to the brain.

Cheney is reportedly doing well after the surgical procedure. “Mainly he complains about how the new device restricts head movement” the doctor said.

Tick Tick Tick

Ex-VP Dick "Dick" Cheney speaks to reporters after having a pump implanted into his empty chest cavity.

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