Ahmadinejad Addresses UN

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad adressed the United Nations today, where several countries walked-out as he berated Western nations, Israel, and capitalism. He suggested the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks in the United States were the work of the U.S. government. He said he knew this because his beard is a super-sensitive antenna that can pick-up CIA radio transmissions.

Ahmadinejad also denied that he had been in the apartment of the Nicaraguan consul when he was murdered the previous evening – even though the body of the diplomat had not as yet been discovered.¬†After an aide whispered to Ahmadinejad he backtracked on this statement: “Well, IF the Nicaraguan Consul was murdered last night by having his throat cut with a Wilkinson tempered steel razor blade, while he was wearing a flimsy silk negligee and holding a dozen roses with a card that said ‘From Mahmoud with love’, THEN I was nowhere near the place”.

Mark Kornblau, a spokesman for the U.S. mission to the U.N., said in a statement, "Takes one to know one"

Christine O’Donnell Addresses Witchcraft Comments

GOP/Witchcraft senatorial candidate Christine O'Donnell thanks her supporters.

Delaware GOP candidate for Senate Christine O’Donnell finally addressed comments she made on Bill Maher’s “Politically Incorrect” to the effect that she “dabbled in witchcraft”. O’Donnell says she was a teenager, and she has not engaged in satanic rituals since high school.

“You know, you’re young, you’re experimenting. A lot of kids were into drugs and being student body president and drama and sports – I was chanting incantations to summon the Demon Lord from his flaming domain of brimstone and agony. It was just a phase.”

The New High-Fashion Hijab

New from Belgian fashion creator Noor D’Izar is this line of stunning hijabs that take subservience and turn it on it’s head. Made of washable polyester and containing a teflon flak helmet these head scarves do more than just look great – they could save your life!

Whether you're running from American bombs, dodging sniper fire, or just late for a public beheading, these high fashion hijabs from Noor D'Izar keep you looking smart with your head on your shoulders.

Two Asteroids Will Make Near-Earth Transit Today

Two large asteroids will make very, very close aproaches to Earth on Wednesday. Named Bronson Alpha and Bronson Beta after their South African discoverer, the two “rocks” will pass closer to the Earth than any others in recorded history. The government wishes to assure everyone there is no danger, and rumors the government has built a gigantic “Space Ark” to save politicians and their families are just that: rumors.

Please remain indoors and do not believe anything you see on cable news.

This diagram was mistakenly distributed to people who aren't politicians - please see the corrected diagram at CNN.com

Glenn Beck Details His Handling Of Historic Documents

While some critics are saying Glenn Beck lied about holding the original hand-written speech George Washington delivered at his inaugural, Beck himself claims to have had contact with many more historic U.S. documents.

Glenn Beck details his intimate experiences with American history.