Obama Supports Equal Rights Sort-Of

President Obama declares his nearly unconditional support of equal rights for gay couples

At a fundraising appearance in New York President Barack Obama declared his support for equal rights for gay couples – without actually using the contentious word “marriage”.

“I believe that gay couples deserve the same legal rights as every couple in this country,” Obama said, while adding “as long as it’s not called the same thing it’s called for everyone else – I’m not an idiot, after all, and I know there are some people who are so ignorant and shallow they just want to reserve the word ‘marriage’ for themselves. It helps make them feel superior. And if that’s what it takes to cow-tow to the left while still getting money from the center, well, let’s just say I’m not above playing to both sides.”

Obama spoke on the same day the New York legislature passed a bill authorizing same-sex marriage throughout the state – the sixth and largest state to do so. “If this were some state below the Mason-Dixon line, I wouldn’t even be talking about this, because I want to remain President of the United States, and I know the best way to do that is to avoid being wholly committed to any issue.”

Obama went on to say he’s prepared to appear to fight a little for what he claims to believe in: “I’ll back equal rights for gay couples the same way I backed health care reform: half-heartedly, partially, and fully prepared to back-down at the slightest hint of political resistance from the Republicans.”