Chavez Has Cancerous Tumor Removed In Cuba

Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez appears on state-run television after having a large tumor removed from between his ears.

Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez had a large cancerous tumor removed from his head at a hospital in Cuba. Chavez appeared on state-run VTV Thursday night to address Venezuelans and prove the surgery was a complete success.

“Aside from a few adjustments I will have to make regarding motor-functions, my intelligence level has been unaffected by the removal of the tumor. I will soon be home in Venezuela to resume my calm, stable, reasoned leadership.”

The broadcast abruptly ended when the camera accidentally panned to Chavez’ left, where a man could be seen with his hand entering the President’s back. The man’s lips seemed to be subtly moving in sync with the South American strong man’s words.

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Sarkozy Grabbed By Assailant

French President Nicolas Sarkozy was grabbed by an unidentified assailant as he shook hands with a crowd in the town of Brax.

An unidentified assailant grabbed French President Nicolas Sarkozy by his jacket while Sarkozy met French citizens in the southern town of Brax. Sarkozy’s bodyguards wrestled the man to the ground and police took him onto custody. There is no information as to a motive for the attack.

Mating Turtles Delay Flights At JFK International

The annual turtle mating season has delayed flights at JFK International Airport as the turtles cross a runway to reach their mating grounds.

Mating turtles have blocked a runway at John F. Kennedy International Airport as they make their annual pilgrimage to adjacent wetlands. “It wouldn’t be so bad except for how long it takes them” a frustrated airport employee said. “And we have to keep hosing-off the runway.”