Bachmann Wins Iowa Straw Poll

Michele Bachmann addresses a crowd of deep-fried butter intoxicated Iowa rednecks after winning the Iowa GOP Straw Poll.

Michele Bachmann has won the first of the nation’s unofficial, non-binding, wholly trivial campaign contests by taking the Iowa Straw Poll with 4,823 votes, just edging-out Ron Paul’s 4,671 votes. Tim Pawlenty came in third with 2,293 votes, making him an unbelievable loser when you consider who beat him.

Pizza magnate Herman Cain ran fourth with 1,456 votes, while Mitt Romney placed sixth with 567 votes, coming-in behind Texas Gov. Rick Perry’s 718 votes as a write-in candidate who wasn’t even on the ballot. Newt Gingrich placed a disappointing eighth, getting slightly fewer votes than a pile of petrified ox dung that managed to beat him despite doing no active campaigning.

The Guy From Utah didn’t take part in the Straw Poll.  Rick Santorum received a single vote, reportedly from the pile of ox dung.

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