Cain Ends Presidential Bid

GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain announces the end of his campaign in the wake of allegations he had consensual sex with a woman other than his wife. Apparently the numerous allegations of sexual harassment weren't enough to do it - it took something that isn't a crime to finally make him feel dirty.

GOP presidential candidate and ex-pizza mogul Herman Cain announced he is suspending his campaign due to allegations of sexual impropriety that are a “distraction” to his bid in the 2012 Republican presidential race.

After numerous allegations of sexual harassment from women Cain was once professionally associated with, it was the revelation of a consensual relationship that finally derailed the controversial conservative businessman.

“This is obvious racism!” Cain said in his farewell speech. “Sure some fat little white pig like Newt Gingrich can chase tail all he wants and now he’s topping the polls! But a big black man breaks-off a little white tail now and then and the donations start to dry up! People always asked me ‘Herman, how can you associate yourself with a bunch of racists like the Republican party?’, and I would say ‘Because that;s where the money is, you idiot!’ – well, we see now where that kind of loyalty gets you! Screwed! And not in the good way with your hand up someone’s skirt as you push their head toward your crotch!”

You can read more in this incredibly cynical article on CNN – with so many out-of-context paraphrases like “Not because I am not a fighter” (as if he actually isn’t) and “His catchy ‘9-9-9’ economic plan is not going anywhere, he said”, that you’d think it was written for this blog. Of course CNN will probably take those bits out before you can get there – but it really is the most blatant manipulation of the news you will see this side of something on Fox News, where they have absolutely no finesse.