Blackwater Changes Its Name Again

Blackwater, the private security firm that operated death squads for the Bush administration in Iraq, has changed its name to reflect its new ownership.

“The message here is not that we’re changing the name,” said Ted Wright, who came on as the new company CEO in June. “The message is that we’re changing the company, and the name just reflects those changes. We have new owners, a new board of directors, a new management team, new location, new attitude on governance, new openness, new strategy – it’s a whole new company.”

As part of the new openness policy the company will be called “Soulless Mercenary Swine Who Slaughter People For Money And Really We Don’t Care What The Reason Is”.

What We Learned From The Iowa Debate

Several key pieces of information came out during the ABC Republican debate in Iowa Saturday:

MICHELE BACHMANN: According to Michele Bachmann there is a new candidate named “Newt Romney”. Although this new candidate did not seem to be on the stage, Bachmann referred to him several times and indicated he was off somewhere to her right.

RICK PERRY: Actually can get through an entire debate without doing or saying anything that makes him look like a complete moron – mostly.

RICK SANTORUM: Still has all the charisma of roadkill – which he pretty-much is politically.

MITT ROMNEY: Still really hates Rick Perry, and doesn’t seem to be too fond of Newt Gingrich. The only position he hasn’t flip-flopped on is the claim he hasn’t flip-flopped on anything.

RON PAUL: Starts to make more sense the longer you listen to him – kind of like a hypnotist.

NEWT GINGRICH: If Diane Sawyer asks “How important is marital fidelity to a candidate for the Presidency”, that’s pretty-much giving everyone a free shot at Gingrich since Herman Cain left the field. As a consummate professional obfuscator Newt was able to answer the question himself without actually answering it at all.

GUY FROM UTAH: Is invisible.

Also, no matter how small several of the micro-sized candidates are, they are still taller than George Stephanopoulos.