Gingrich Wins In South Carolina

Newt Gingrich overcame his history of adultery, ethics violations, resigning from the House of Representatives in disgrace, lying about his finances, obvious hypocrisy, and rumors of inbreeding to win the South Carolina GOP presidential primary by a 13% margin over second-place Mitt Romney, who took 27%.

Ex-Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum placed third with 17%, a disappointment for the fundamentalist Tea Party candidate who simply couldn’t overcome his massive personality deficit. And 19th century revivalist Ron Paul got 13% of the vote – surprising considering he’s almost certifiably looney.

“Actually, the thing about inbreeding probably swung things for Gingrich” one South Carolinite said. “We’re big on family values here.”

So far there is no word on how many votes the Herman Cain/Stephen Colbert hybrid candidate got.

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Colbert Leads Polls For “Favorable Opinon” Among U.S. Voters

TV political pundit Stephen Colbert has announced his intention to form an exploratory committee to look into the feasibility of considering a 2012 run for President of South Carolina. Colbert currently leads national polls wherein American voters indicate they have a more favorable opinion of him than any of the GOP candidates.

Colbert has turned his super-PAC over to business partner John Stewart of “The Daily Show”, while Colbert uses his “Colbert Report” to ask voters to vote for Herman Cain in the South Carolina primary. Cain has dropped out of the presidential race, but his name could not legally be removed from the ballot. Since Colbert cannot legally be added, nor are primary write-ins valid in South Carolina, Colbert is asking voters to check the box next to Cain’s name as a way of indicating they would have voted for Colbert, were it legally possible to vote for him, which it isn’t.

Colbert is running on a promise to do nothing to change the corrupt campaign finance practices in U.S. elections, saying “The pundits have asked, is this all some joke? And I say, if they are calling being allowed to form a super PAC and collecting unlimited, untraceable amounts of money from individuals, unions, and corporations, and spending that money on political ads and for personal enrichment, and then surrendering that super PAC to one of my closest friends while I explore a run for office — if that is a joke, then they are saying our entire campaign finance system is a joke!”

Cain appeared with Colbert at a recent election-related event in Charleston.

Gingrich Infidelity May Not Count With Religious Right

GOP presidential hopeful Newt "Do I Look Worried" Gingrich may not be harmed by his ex-wife's revelations on "Nightline" that he wanted an "open" marriage so he could pursue affairs with women who worked for him in Congress, experts say.

Political experts say Marianne Gingrich’s revelations that ex-husband Newt sought an “open” marriage with her so he could continue an affair with his mistress may not hurt the Republican candidate in the South Carolina primary – and may in fact help.

“If there’s one thing we on the religious right and in the Tea Party hate more than liars and cheats, it nigg- errr, ‘blacks’!” One South Carolina GOP insider said. “And in order to get that socialist commie nigg- errrr, ‘black man’, out of the White House we’d all get down on our knees and blow Satan! And I mean we’d inhale!”

Many right-wing evangelicals feel it will take the kind of dirty, low-down, under-handed, lying, hypocritical behavior Newt Gingrich is known for to defeat Barack Obama. “What we need is a total 4-wheel-drive S.O.B. to get out there and put that boy in his place! I mean, there’s no way we can beat him on the issues!” an official in the South Carolina Republican party told GraceLessLand. “When the racial purity of the nation is at stake you can bet there’s nothing we won’t stoop to in order to get the job done. Not that we have anything against so-called ‘blacks’ – we just don’t think they’re ready, y’know, in an evolutionary way to rule the country. Not that that means we believe in evolution!”