Economy Improves Everywhere Except Republican Rhetoric

U.S. jobless claims are down and hiring has increased over the past month, creating over a quarter of a million new jobs and lowering the jobless rate to 8.3%. This marks the fifth straight month of decline for the jobless rate due to private sector hiring. These gains are being seen in almost every state except the state of GOP Rhetoric, where there has been little or no economic improvement.

“Anemic growth is not growth. Okay, well, technically it is growth, but I prefer to use the term ‘negative worsening’”Newt Gingrich said in a written statement.

“Unfortunately, these numbers cannot hide the fact that President Obama’s policies have prevented a true economic recovery” Mitt Romney said. “And by ‘true’ I mean the kind where companies flounder so I can buy them for a song and then borrow money against them and then liquidate them so I don’t have to pay the money back.”

Rep. Michael Burgess, R-Texas, also said “This feels like a Charles Dickens novel. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times,” he said. “And this is the worst because Obama might come back up in the polls going into the election. As a Republican I feel it’s important for Americans to bite the bullet and suffer just a year or-so longer.”

Donald Trump Endorses A Cringing Mitt Romney

Former non-candidate Donald Trump took a moment out from being rich Thursday and gave his political support to GOP front-runner Mitt Romney.

Donald Trump gave his political endorsement to Republican candidate Mitt Romney in a move that is traditionally taken by other candidates who have dropped-out of a race. While Trump did seem to toy with the idea of a run for the Republican nomination in early 2011, he never actually became a candidate.

“My hair is for Gingrich and my eyebrows support Ron Paul, but my lips are for Mitt Romney” Trump said in the announcement that was inexplicably broadcast over all media channels everywhere. “Even if he is involved in some weird religion that worships hormones, that’s just another sign of what a great country America is, where even someone who is into some crazy cult where they marry their sisters can get an endorsement from me.”

“The Apprentice!” Trump added.