Large Hadron Collider Discovers New Particle

Scientists working at the Large Hadron Collider announced they have discovered a new particle.

Scientists at the Large Hadron Collider at the CERN institute in Switzerland have announced the discovery of a new particle, though not the much sought-after Higgs boson – the fundamental particle that imparts mass.

“It’s even better” the team said. “The neutral Xi_b^star baryon is even more useful than the Higgs. The Higgs would merely lead to the ability to manipulate gravity, but this new particle is thought to be responsible for hair loss and male impotence! The benefits to mankind in controlling this particle are almost unlimited! It totally justifies the enormous cost of building the collider!