Supreme Court Upholds Obamacare On 5-4 Vote

The Supreme Court of the United States released it’s decision on the legal challenge to the Affordable Care Act of 2010 Thursday, rejecting arguments that the law is unconstitutional. The Court upheld “Obamacare” on a 5-to-4 vote, with Chief Justice John Roberts joining the Court’s 4 liberal justices.

President Obama immediately made a statement to the nation via just about every media outlet known to humanity, essentially saying “Nyah nyah nyah! Big stinkin’ Tea Party sucking conservatives lost!”

Conservatives immediately made a statement as well, saying “this isn’t the end of this! Well go all the way on this one, and we’ll take it to…uh, take it to…er, ah…is there somewhere to take it after the Supreme Court?”

To which Obama replied “No! There isn’t! Nyah nyah nyah!”

Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney said he was disappointed in the Court decision, and added repeal of the law and firing the 5 justices who voted to uphold it to his “Day One To-Do List”, which now has several thousand items on it including “declare polygamy to be legal”, “change the name of the Earth to Utah”, and “install car elevator in White House garage”.

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Women’s Tennis To Crack Down On Loud Grunting

Billie Jean King, who famously beat Bobby Riggs in a televised match during the 1970s, was perhaps women’s tennis’ first “grunter”.

The Women’s Tennis Association has announced it will issue handheld “grunt meters” to umpires to measure the loudness of player grunting on the court. Farting will still be allowed, to the dismay of spectators.