Apple Posts Only $8.8 Billion In Net Income

Markets crashed Tuesday when Apple Inc. posted “only” $8.8 billion in net income for its fiscal third quarter, a measly $9.32 per share.

“It looks like the end for Apple and for Western Civilization” one analyst said. “I own tons of Apple stock and I just built eight Swiss Chalets for myself in Arizona – now it looks like I’ll have to sell one or two of them. I don’t think I can stand the loss!”

Stock traders were leaping from first floor windows on Wall Street, and banks said they would certainly require another bailout due to Apple’s non-record-setting quarter.

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