An Open Letter To All Depressed Republicans

I know, I know: you lost another election. You’re faced with four more years of a black man residing in the White House and you’re feeling hurt and confused – after all, why is it called the “White” House if blacks can live there? You did your best spending billions of dollars on campaigns that you weren’t willing to spend on taxes, to make sure you don’t have to pay more taxes. Not being good with math you still aren’t sure how that works-out. And that contributes to your feelings of insecurity.

But cheer up! You may never win the presidency again, but you do still control the House of Representatives, and that means you get to continue to do what you do best: obstruct legislation, take symbolic votes on bills you know will never make it through the Senate, and stuff things up women’s vaginas when they get pregnant. You can continue to say you speak for all Americans even though you are predominantly old white men with prostate problems. And you can see to it that the Democrats make absolutely no progress with the economy because good economic news is bad news for Republicans.

You’ve still got your fantasy world of white supremacy, male domination, and Protestant Christian values to live in! Don’t let reality intrude now when you’ve managed to delude yourselves that you are still relevant 112 years after the 19th century ended! All you have to do is keep saying “we just have to be more conservative and people will love us!” until it seems the same as the truth.

Come on, you can do it. Jam that stick of moral superiority up your backside and march in lock-step into a future that looks just like a black-and-white musical from the 1930s, where white men rule the world and black men serve them drinks! A world where there are still a few new ways to creatively work rape into a positive context! That’s your world – even if it is just make-believe!