Donald Trump never said he wants to build a “wall” at the US/Mexico border. He said Wal-Mart! It’s a unique new economic model where each facility will have doors for workers on the Mexican side of the border, and doors for customers on the US side. In a direct one-to-one relationship each US citizen will have a Mexican national to manufacture all the cheap junk they buy. You’ll actually know the name of your underpaid industrial slave.
It’s a win-win situation: the workers get jobs so they want to stay on the Mexican side, and US companies get huge breaks on their labor costs so they’ll want to stay on the US side. And did I mention the people on the Mexican side will want to stay on the Mexican side? So that’s like a win-win-win situation.
The designer of the controversial Keystone XL pipeline that would deliver beer from Canada to the Gulf of Mexico claims the pipeline is safe. “If it leaks we just all grab straws and start sucking it up” said design engineer Keith Stone.
America’s leading economic indicator, housing foreclosures, are down in 62% of U.S. cities. The lack of foreclosures is expected to cause widespread unemployment in the mortgage industry and negatively impact banking profits. “Good numbers are bad numbers in the foreclosure markets” said one mortgage insider. “This could trigger a trend in good numbers such as rising employment and production rates, signaling a much healthier economy and horrible decline in homelessness. U.S. banks have been counting on continued rampant foreclosures to support their bottom line – we are invested in a high-foreclosure future!”
Welch famously wrote “Unbelievable jobs numbers..these Chicago guys will do anything..can’t debate so change numbers” to his Twitter account after the government released its September employment report. The report showed that unemployment fell from 8.1% to 7.8% for the month.
Welch resigned as a contributing editor at Fortune after being criticized for the tweet by the magazine’s managing editor.
This just in: Daimler Benz has patented cars with four wheels, Greece has patented democracy, Germany has patented war crimes, dinosaurs have patented bones, Steve Jobs has patented death, the Republican Party has patented ignorance, and Bill Clinton has patented sexual harassment.
A combination of refining and transportation problems in the Midwest and on the West Coast have driven gas prices up just in time for the November elections, the same way they always do when an incumbent Democrat is running for re-election to the Presidency.
Markets crashed Tuesday when Apple Inc. posted “only” $8.8 billion in net income for its fiscal third quarter, a measly $9.32 per share.
“It looks like the end for Apple and for Western Civilization” one analyst said. “I own tons of Apple stock and I just built eight Swiss Chalets for myself in Arizona – now it looks like I’ll have to sell one or two of them. I don’t think I can stand the loss!”
Stock traders were leaping from first floor windows on Wall Street, and banks said they would certainly require another bailout due to Apple’s non-record-setting quarter.