Soccer star Fabrice Muamba suffered a heart attack during an FA Cup match Saturday. The 23-year-old mid-fielder for the Bolton Wanderers was given 15 cardiac shocks and was technically dead for 78 minutes. He is said to be in good spirits and speaking in both English and French, however all he says is “ass piano” over and over again.
If Texas is going to require a woman have a trans-vaginal ultrasound before undergoing an abortion procedure, it seems only right that the man who impregnated the woman undergo a “trans-urethral” ultrasound as well – otherwise the law is being applied unequally, and that is unconstitutional.
Beef Products Inc., makers of ground beef products that use the filler known as “Pink Slime”, says its “lean finely textured beef” or LFTB is perfectly safe and nutritious. The federal government has plans to buy 7 million pounds of ground beef that includes “Pink Slime”.
“Including LFTB in the national school lunch program’s beef products accomplishes three important goals on behalf of 32 million kids,” BPI spokesman Rich Jochum said. “It 1) improves the nutritional profile, 2) increases the safety of the products and 3) makes us a buttload of money because the stuff in Pink Slime is essentially garbage.”
“Pink Slime” is made from fat and waste trimmings – where salmonella and E. Coli concentrations are highest – and saves as much as three cents per pound of processed ground beef.
“And we’re passing that savings on to you, the consumer” Jochum said. “Sure if you actually saw or smelled this stuff you’d gag on your own vomit, but we’re talking three cents a pound!”