Regulate The Internet


Ways Real Life Is Different From FarmVille

People love to play FarmVille, mainly because it requires no thought at all and is much easier than real life. Here are the primary differences between FarmVille and reality:

  • In real life pigs do not shit truffles. They are slaughtered and turned into bacon. FarmVille would be a lot more fun if it worked like real life.
  • In real life gas costs more but lasts longer. And people don’t go around giving each other cans of gas as gifts – it’s far too precious to give away.
  • Real life has weather, insects, fungi, and droughts. FarmVille has “withering”, and you can even get around that by spending money.
  • In real life all the actual work is done by poor people from other countries who are kept in line by the constant threat of deportation.
  • In real life animals poop, pee, have wanton barnyard sex, and die at the drop of a hat. There are hugely expensive vet bills because animals can’t get health insurance, either.
  • In real life no one is making money by brushing their cat. There are no cat-fur sweaters. If there were PETA would be up in arms about it.
  • In real life farmers use lots of really dangerous, poisonous, cancer-causing chemicals so the food you buy at the supermarket will all be of uniform size, color, and texture, as if that mattered at all.
  • In real life the government would pay us to plant nothing.
  • In real life most of our farms would be in Central and South America where there aren’t so many pesky taxes, laws, and health and safety regulations. See above about chemicals.
  • In real life we’d be able to plant marijuana and make some real money.

And We’re Baaaack!

Repeat after me: “ sucks monkeys”

I told them it was a database problem at their end. I even told them how it happened and how to fix it. But I was talking to “Romeo” in India, and the customer knowing what they are talking about wasn’t in any of his protocol scripts.

And it takes three weeks to get a tech out here because the nearest one for Hughes is like 300 miles away. And I’ll have to pay for the house call.

In nine months my service agreement expires – and then these weasels are history.

More Hard-Hitting Exposes From Fox News

Featured on today’s front page, fair and balanced coverage of more tits and ass then you can shake a…uh, stick at.

Of course what would a Monday be without Fox’s regular “Maxim Monday” feature, where the latest social issues are analysed:

You should see her opinion on taxes!

You should see her opinion on taxes!


And of course Fox always has the most knowledgable experts to help you understand difficult legislation and policy questions:

And her nipples agree!

And her nipples agree!

First We Can’t Steal – Now We Can’t Lie

CNN reports that “open” encyclopedia Wikipedia isn’t quite as open as it was. Due to the large number of factual errors, inadvertant and otherwise, that not so much creep as run head-long into the site, the publishers are “assigning editors to some of its entries. These trusted volunteers likely would have to approve public edits before they’re published to English-language stories about living people”. Since it is well known that Wikipedia users simply lie for the fun of it, this would suggest that it is no longer okay to lie about living people who can hire lawyers. On the other hand, it still seems to be open season on the living and the dead in any language other than English.

“We discovered that only English speakers lie” said Wilhelmina Straus-Grolsh, President in Charge of User Discipline at Wikipedia. To quote the CNN story: “In January, for example, Wikipedia entries about Ted Kennedy and Robert Byrd falsely stated both U.S. senators had died”. Which of course is no longer incorrect, as Kennedy passed-away yesterday, and science has recently learned Byrd has been dead for over 16 years.

Another famous example is when television satire satirist Stephen Colbert exhorted his audience to change the Wikipedia entry for “Elephant” to indicate that Africa is currently suffering an elephant population explosion. In fact, because of wide acceptance of birth control by elephants (who are notoriously Protestant), there are only two left, both males, and in a comitted, loving relationship. Consequently the African pachyderm prophylactic industry has collapsed, leaving thousands out of work who have taken to poaching rhinos for thier horn, which Wikipedia states is a “guaranteed aphrodisiac”.