Personally, I don’t want anything in my vaginas that is harder than I am. It’s just a safety issue.
It was a tough competition, and all the players really gave it their all. There was determination, passion, confidence, and true winning spirit exhibited throughout the game. But in the end there can be only one winner, and as usual simplicity and forthrightness took the prize.
The best Super Bowl commercial was the one with the cat-murdering dog who bribed the only witness with Doritos.
Diana Nyad, endurance swimmer and multiple record-holder, has stopped her third attempt to swim from Cuba to Florida after being stung by jellyfish, encountering swift currents, and realizing it was a really long way to swim, after all.
A goodwill basketball game between the U.S. Georgetown college team and the Chinese military Bayi Rockets turned into a fist-fight Thursday.
The fight seems to be a misunderstanding. In Chinese the words “Geolge Towrn” mean “Fuck You Little Chinese Assholes”; while in English the words “Bayee Rochets” means absolutely nothing.
Vancouver Canuck fans rioted in the city’s streets Thursday after the Boston Bruins won the Stanley Cup final 4-0. Furious Canuck fans burned cars, looted stores, and had sex in the middle of the road to protest the fact their team couldn’t beat a bunch of Americans at Canada’s second favorite national sport (the first of course being Freestyle Canoe Dancing).
Some fans took the opportunity to show their support for the team by throwing empty beer bottles at police while chanting the Canadian national anthem “Oh Canada Ice-Bound Appendage Of The United States”. Others decided to mark the event by conceiving a child in the road.
Police suspect some of the fans may have been drinking, which is a good bet as beer is considered to be a fundamental food group in Canada.
Where the hell was the ref on this call?
A tearful Tiger Woods apologized to his wife, his kids, his parents, his fans, everyone in the room, everyone watching on television, and to a potted fern next to the lectern for having the kind of sex life most men only dream about.
Because the soulless ratings whores in the news media saturated the universe with Woods’ private sexual escapades with real whores, Woods had no choice but to read a carefully prepared statement to a room full of carefully picked spectators, without answering any questions that aren’t anyone else’s business anyway. At one point he held his onion-drenched hands up to his eyes and cried. Then he hugged his mom and ran like hell back into “rehab”.
What kind of rehab? Probably he sits in a quiet room while someone with a calculator adds up all the money he’s lost in endorsements and winnings, while Tiger studiously chants “money not pussy, money not pussy,…”.
Many of the companies Woods worked for as a pitchman have said they will take him back now that doing so has the least shred of respectability attached to it, no matter how tenuous. They of course have not apologized for over-reacting in the first place and dropping him because they are fearful mercantile whores.
And one of the whores Woods had sex with has hired attorney-to-the-scummy Gloria Allred and held a press conference where she claims Woods lied to her. She claims he said he loved her, and that she was the only woman he was cheating on his wife with. Allred will seek undetermined damages for Woods deceitful behavior in lying to the woman who was screwing him behind his wife’s back.
Elin Woods, Tiger’s wife, was not present at the completely spontaneous scripted and planned apology. She has not decided yet if she will stay with Woods, or leave him to do her own reality show “I Can Now Make More Money Than He Did By Being A Victim”.
Sorry – but we’d say not a penny over $10,000 – Tiger got screwed.
The controversy over Caster Semenya continues. The South African runner, who posted the fastest times ever for a female runner at the world championships in Berlin last month, claims to be female. But now information has come to light that a gender test before the Berlin competition indicates Semenya may be male, and that Atheletics South Africa (ASA) chief medical officer Harold Adams covered-up the results. Adams first called for the tests because of Semenya’s deep voice, five o’clock shadow, and prominent adam’s apple.
“We must be careful these days not to promote gender stereotypes” Adams said in a statement. “Just because this athelete has abnormal testosterone levels, a drivers’ license that says ‘Gender: M’ on it, a penis, a wife and three children, and the word ‘semen’ in her name does not automatically mean she may be male. We wanted to wait until after the championships before coming forward, or not coming coming forward, depending on if Semenya won or not.”