Residents of storm-battered Long Island, many of whom have been without electrical power for weeks, received bills from the Long Island Power Authority charging the full monthly rate.
“I can’t get LIPA to acknowledge my existence on earth to talk to me about anything, but I guess they had power, so they could print my bills. Nice, right?” grumbled one resident.
The historic drought that has caused the federal government to declare approximately 1,000 U.S. counties disaster areas has destroyed almost the entire 2012 corn crop. Not only will this drive up the cost of Doritos, but also of eggs, milk, cheese, beef, pork, chicken, and fuel. Because these days we aren’t just feeding our farm animals corn, we’re feeding it to our vehicles, too.
So when you spend $60 for a supreme with two kinds of cheese and mushrooms, thank the people who have stood in the way of doing something about global climate change for the past thirty years. That would be most world leaders, almost all corporations, and every Republican on the planet. Of course they won’t be bitching – they’re mostly rich, except for the Republican rank and file: they’re just dumb.
A massive solar flare will strike the Earth tonight, and either cause some disruption to communications, or kill all life on the planet. We’ll let you know which tomorrow.
A tornado tore through western North Carolina today, injuring at least 20 people and damaging mobile homes, houses, and businesses. The National Weather Service reported the storm had an EF2 strength. Winds were estimated at 115 miles an hour.
“It could have been worse,” one longtime Burke county resident said. “This is nothing compared to the damage being done to South Carolina right now.”
South Carolina is of course in the throes of its Republican Primary, with gale force hot air expected to peak at 1,000 miles per hour by January 21.
“We can rebuild and recover from this damage, but after you’ve come face-to-face with Ron Paul there’s no amount of therapy or psychological reconstruction that will make you whole again” one state official said. “Still, we’re getting ready for when he blows through here in May.”