Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad adressed the United Nations today, where several countries walked-out as he berated Western nations, Israel, and capitalism. He suggested the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks in the United States were the work of the U.S. government. He said he knew this because his beard is a super-sensitive antenna that can pick-up CIA radio transmissions.
Ahmadinejad also denied that he had been in the apartment of the Nicaraguan consul when he was murdered the previous evening – even though the body of the diplomat had not as yet been discovered. After an aide whispered to Ahmadinejad he backtracked on this statement: “Well, IF the Nicaraguan Consul was murdered last night by having his throat cut with a Wilkinson tempered steel razor blade, while he was wearing a flimsy silk negligee and holding a dozen roses with a card that said ‘From Mahmoud with love’, THEN I was nowhere near the place”.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said in a speech in Tehran that Paul the Psychic Octopus is an agent of western imperialism, and that the sea creature is intent on destroying Islam. “The octopus hates Islam because it has no knees” the Iranian President said. “It cannot be a part of Islam because it cannot kneel to face Mecca. No knees, no Islam – it’s that simple.”
Ahmadinejad went on to question the sanity of westerners who believe the octopus could predict the outcome of World Cup games. “Those who believe in this type of thing cannot be the leaders of the global nations that aspire, like Iran, to human perfection, basing themselves in the love of all sacred values.” Values like murdering protesters in the streets just because “I may have committed a little election fraud to illegally remain in power. This is silly – George Bush did it in 2000, and you didn’t see anyone in Tehran taking to the streets over that.”
“This octopus is not that smart” Ahmadinejad continued. “I am almost as smart as this octopus. I predicted Iran would win the World Cup, and they did as far as anyone who watches only Iranian media knows.”