Apple Wins Patent Infringement Suit Against Samsung

This just in: Daimler Benz has patented cars with four wheels, Greece has patented democracy, Germany has patented war crimes, dinosaurs have patented bones, Steve Jobs has patented death, the Republican Party has patented ignorance, and Bill Clinton has patented sexual harassment.

Apple Posts Only $8.8 Billion In Net Income

Markets crashed Tuesday when Apple Inc. posted “only” $8.8 billion in net income for its fiscal third quarter, a measly $9.32 per share.

“It looks like the end for Apple and for Western Civilization” one analyst said. “I own tons of Apple stock and I just built eight Swiss Chalets for myself in Arizona – now it looks like I’ll have to sell one or two of them. I don’t think I can stand the loss!”

Stock traders were leaping from first floor windows on Wall Street, and banks said they would certainly require another bailout due to Apple’s non-record-setting quarter.

“This American Life” Retracts Entire Episode On Apple Working Conditions

Public Radio International's "This American Life" program retracted an entire episode devoted to working conditions at Foxconn.

“This American Life”, a popular investigative journalism program produced by Public Radio International, has retracted a entire episode after learning the reporter on the piece fabricated some of the information presented. In the story about working conditions at Foxconn, the manufacturer that makes many of electronics giant Apple’s products, reporter and self-proclaimed performance artist Mike Daisey apparently lied about the number of factories he visited, the number of times he visited, and about worker complaints they were poisoned by chemicals that are used to manufacture iPhones.

The show’s host Ira Glass commented on his blog page:

We’ve learned that Mike Daisey’s story about Apple in China – which we broadcast in January – contained significant fabrications. We’re retracting the story because we can’t vouch for its truth. This is not a story we commissioned. It was an excerpt of Mike Daisey’s acclaimed one-man show “The Agony and the Ecstasy of Steve Jobs,” in which he talks about visiting a factory in China that makes iPhones and other Apple products…That doesn’t excuse the fact that we never should’ve put this on the air. In the end, this was our mistake.

It seems a correspondent for another public radio program, “Marketplace”, interviewed the interpreter Daisey used while doing his research. The interpreter disputes numerous claims Daisey makes in his show.

This is just the latest in various scandals that have plagued public radio organizations in recent years, like the firing of commentator Juan Williams by National Public Radio for comments he made in his other job on Fox News. Fox News itself has felt the heat, and has taken the unusual step of retracting the last ten years of its broadcasts due to “factual errors and blatant fabrications” on the part of its staff. In related news, Dan Rather has been found hanging by a white and red striped tie, with a note pinned to his chest that says “I just can’t live with the shame anymore”, and Rush Limbaugh has revealed that he is not only a misogynist but “sometimes I want to touch men”.

Steve Jobs Reveals New Apple HQ

It’s a big ring on top of a mountain. It’s kind-of like the biggest ring-toss game ever. And not only are they going to build the huge circular building to house 13,000 Apple employees, but they’re going to build the mountain, too. The new Apple HQ will be situated on 150 landscaped acres, apparently without roads or parking facilities anywhere near it. Everyone will have to hike in or arrive on burros.

An artist's misconception of the new Apple HQ building, set to break ground in 1012 and to be completed by 2015, and departing for Saturn in 2016.

Complaints About New iPhone 4

Twenty four hours after becoming available to the public complaints about the new iPhone 4 are pouring in to manufacturer Apple Inc.

Most users are complaining that the phone loses signal if you place your fingers in certain areas of the new external antenna that surrounds the unit as a stainless steel strip. Others are having problems getting connected to the Internet.

“But most people are complaining that their lives haven’t become better, more interesting, or somehow magical” said an Apple spokesperson. “This is a training issue, really – there are apps for all of those things.”

Many users are confused by the choice of colors. “It took about two hours for me to make up my mind” one purchaser said. “Black or white? White or black? I’m not used to so many choices!”

Still others were troubled by the design. “It’s glass on both sides. I thought mine was defective because no matter how I poked it with my fingers nothing happened. Then I turned it over….”

The new iPhone 4 comes in your choice of Urban Black or Supremacist White.

Teens Assault iPad In Broad Daylight

Over on YouTube there is this bit of post-modernist performance art wherein an iPad is beaten senseless with a baseball bat. The first time I saw this kind of art was when some kids destroyed a brand new XBox and a new PS3. But destroying a perfectly good Apple product is so much more symbolic of our society’s acceptance of corporate control. Remember the old MacIntosh commercial where the woman destroyed the screen with Big Brother on it? Things have now come full circle.

Also not to be missed: This episode of “Will It Blend” featuring the iPad.

New Green Technologies

This Fox News item reports on a new printer that uses no ink or electricity. Instead, the RITI printer uses coffee grounds or tea dregs for ink, and it prints by manually cranking the topside “ink” tank left and right.

Manual printer with 1 heet/hour throughput

Manual printer with 1 sheet/hour throughput

This is opening-up an entire new realm of green consumer devices, for example the new iChurn manual butter maker:

The new iChurn butter maker from Apple

The new iChurn butter maker from Apple

And this even simpler manual printer:

The new HP Leadjet Green Printer

The new HP Leadjet Green Printer