Brad Pitt Wants Death Penalty For BP Execs

Brad Pitt continues the tradition of actors being idiots with his suggestion that the recent British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico may warrant the death penalty.  Topping such luminaries of stupidity as Ronald Reagan and Gopher from “The Love Boat”, Pitt said “I was never for the death penalty before; I am willing to look at it again”.

Until now no one knew Pitt had the final say on the death penalty. “Oh, sure – that one’s mine,” he told one reporter. “I do the death penalty, Angelina decides which little kids starve, Ted Danson has thumbs up or down on the whales, and Pauly Shore controls human perspiration.”

Pitt said he hasn’t yet decided how the BP executives will die. “I’m looking at drowning them in oil, of course – that has a nice ‘eye-for-an-eye’ feel to it. Or we might just lock them in a theater and force them to watch ‘Mr. And Mrs. Smith’ until their brains leak out their ears.”

Brad Pitt wears sunglasses to prevent people from seeing through the empty windows of his eyes and into his brainless skull.

“Damn It Congress, I’m A Doctor Not A CEO!”

British Petroleum (though they now disown the name) CEO Tony Hayward was roasted, toasted, and grilled by the U.S. Congress in hearings into BP’s responsibility for the massive Gulf of Mexico oil leak. He was apparently boiled as well because over the course of the day he turned red as a lobster.

Throughout the interrogation Hayward leaned heavily on the “Dr. McCoy” defense, constantly reiterating that he was a CEO, not a concrete, drilling, or derrick engineer. “I’m the CEO of a major corporation, so as part of my job qualifications I am far less intelligent than, well, the average politician for example.”

To which Representative Henry Waxman replied “Well then God help us all!” and then upended a glass of water on his head.

Hayward also used the “I’m so out of touch I can’t be culpable” defense when he repeatedly told the House Energy and Commerce committee “I was not a part of the decision-making process”. This is in direct contradiction of testimony by the BP executives in charge of the Deepwater Horizon drilling project, who claimed they were “just following orders” when they cut-back on safety measures as they attempted to get the project back on schedule.

BP CEO Tony Hayward and other company executives testify before Congress