Gingrich Lies About First Divorce

GOP presidential hopeful Newt "What Me Worry?" Gingrich has been married three times.

In addition to his campaign woes, like not qualifying for the primary ballot in his home state of Virginia, and losing ground to both Mitt Romney and Ron Paul in polls, newly discovered court documents contradict Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich’s claims that he did not want to divorce his first wife.

Gingrich’s official website disputes claims he left his first wife, and that in fact it was his wife Jackie Gingrich who initiated divorce proceedings, apparently from her hospital bed where she was recovering from cancer surgery. Gingrich and his daughter, also named Jackie, also dispute that Mrs. Gingrich #1 was suffering from cancer at the time.

Of course Gingrich also disputes the fact that the Congress of the United States of America found him guilty of ethics violations when he was a member, and that he was paid $1.6 million dollars for lobbying efforts on behalf of the Freddie Mac mortgage organization (because he doesn’t call himself a lobbyist, therefore how can he be one?).

Gingrich also insists that as President he would not be bound by Supreme Court decisions, nor by the Constitution, nor the Bill of Rights, nor common decency – because he hasn’t paid any attention to those things in the past, so there’s precedent for being a scumbag dictator.

Chavez To Return To Cuba For Treatment

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez announced he will return to Cuba to undergo chemotherapy treatment.

“I have faith in God, in medical science … in the people who have taken care of me and finally in myself,” he said during a message broadcast on state TV.

But Chavez apparently has no faith in Venezuelan health care, which must be pretty bad if he’s going to Cuba for treatment. Cuban authorities announced they have a 1958 Ford Edsel ambulance standing-by at the airport to take Chavez to the hospital when he arrives.

This Cuban ambulance is always on standby to whisk Hugo Chavez to the hospital any time he needs it.

Chavez Has Cancerous Tumor Removed In Cuba

Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez appears on state-run television after having a large tumor removed from between his ears.

Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez had a large cancerous tumor removed from his head at a hospital in Cuba. Chavez appeared on state-run VTV Thursday night to address Venezuelans and prove the surgery was a complete success.

“Aside from a few adjustments I will have to make regarding motor-functions, my intelligence level has been unaffected by the removal of the tumor. I will soon be home in Venezuela to resume my calm, stable, reasoned leadership.”

The broadcast abruptly ended when the camera accidentally panned to Chavez’ left, where a man could be seen with his hand entering the President’s back. The man’s lips seemed to be subtly moving in sync with the South American strong man’s words.

Gingrich Announces Candidacy


Newt Gingrich assures the nation he won't treat it like his first wife.

Workers Deploy Radiation Shield At Japanese Reactor

A super high-tech radiation shield developed by 3M was deployed at the damaged Fukushima nuclear plant Thursday in an effort to stop radiation leakage. The shield, made of a special flexible, light weight blue material, was gently lifted into place by members of the “Fukushima Fifty”: plant workers who have volunteered to stay-on at the plant in the face of high levels of radioactivity. “We have spared no expense in providing these brave people with the tools they need to get the job done” a Japanese offcial said.

Workers at the damaged Fukushima nuclear plant deploy a special radiation shield.

First Famous Stiff List Of 2009

Over on Fox News they have a slide show of Stars Who Snuffed In ’09.

The most prevalent cause of death: cancer (still number one).

The most agonizing cause of death: cancer (maintaining it’s 2-for-2 yearly record).

The absolute stupidest way to die: by hanging yourself in a hotel room closet while masturbating. From now on this form of self-extinction will be known as “doing a David Carradine”.

The ultimate Darwin Award winner