Pope Complains About Belgian Child Abuse Raid

His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI said a raid on the Belgian offices of the Catholic Church Friday was “deplorable”. The Vatican alleges the tombs of two cardinals were “violated” as the police searched for evidence in child sexual abuse cases.

The Pope was especially distraught that the raid might cut-off the flow of child porn from Belgium, claiming “it’s the highest quality stuff – the children tend to be white which is much better than the brown and yellow kind you get from overseas”.

The Pope addresses the situation in Belgium from a window at the Vatican.

Duke Dildo Disaster

Apparently holding dildo parties is considered research at Duke University. As at the Tupperware parties their moms used to hold, female Duke students were invited to gather and peruse sex toys so researchers could gauge if handling large plastic penises in any way affected their feelings about sex. The director of the Duke Catholic Center objected, probably on the grounds that you don’t get any new catholics if you use a rubber wang. Researchers countered the complaint by noting the “study” was peer-reviewed before starting – although we have to wonder exactly whose peers did the reviewing.