Gingrich Loses CPAC Straw Poll

Former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney won the non-binding straw poll at the 2012 Conservative Political Action Conference. Romney was a moderate until recently when he discovered he needs to pretend to be a conservative to get the national Republican party behind him.

CPAC Gathering Increases Job Opportunities For Prostitutes

CPAC mascots get the conference agenda in order before the gathering convenes.

As the 39th annual Conservative Political Action Conference Gets underway GOP leaders, political stars, and monied enablers from all over the country gather to promote their draconian view of an America reserved for the primarily white, rich, and heterosexual (or appropriately closeted) elite to lord it over the hopefully soon-to-be disenfranchised underclasses.

“This is what America is all about!” said Lola “La Bomba” Rodriguez, an illegal alien from Canada who led a contingent to CPAC “for the economic opportunities, if you catch my drift! I’m the kind of illegal Republicans like!”

Drug dealers from across the country shipped in massive amounts of their products hidden in bibles and wrapped in American flags. A special jet was chartered to fly-in Newt Gingrich’s ex-wives and Herman Cain’s “proteges”.

Gingrich, Mitt Romney, and “little conservative engine that could” Rick Santorum will address the conference Friday. They’re flipping a coin to see who will go first and get to use-up all the usual conservative code words that are used instead of “racism”, “sexism”, “elitism”, and “honesty”. Reportedly Romney and Santorum declined to use Gingrich’s coin.