Don’t Let Republicanism Happen To You

Above is an image of young Republican women in 1941 consulting the infamous Tarot cards of conservatism. Every one of these unfortunate women is now dead – victims of the hellish scourge called Republicanism. Of course at first it felt good: fighting communism and Democrats, keeping minorities in their place, denying other women equal rights and access to health care. But over time the effects were wearing, sapping the very life essence from these women until over 60 years later not a single one has survived.

Medical experts and left-wing pundits have known about the deleterious effects of Republicanism on men for almost 150 years: testicular atrophy, preoccupation with greed and hair loss, and the desire to have sex with congressional staffers. But the horrible toll on females has been ignored like most other female conditions like cervical cancer and being attracted to assholes with nice cars.

Haven’t women suffered and even died in silence long enough? Support the effort to stamp out Republicanism by¬†voting for just anyone else at all this November!

U.S. Drops Charges Against Osama bin Laden

The United States dropped all criminal charges against al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden yesterday. “It’s rather embarrassing” Attorney General Eric Holder said. “I’m sure if the President had known the charges would be dropped he wouldn’t have killed him. We should probably have some kind of law that states people are innocent until proven guilty, or something.”

Or maybe we just shouldn’t waste time making formal charges against someone we have absolutely no plans to ever bring to trial, but instead shoot on sight. Not that shooting bin Laden was a bad thing, just maybe injudicious if there were actual pending criminal charges against him.

Osama bin Laden reacts to news the U.S. has formally dropped all charges against him.

First Famous Stiff List Of 2009

Over on Fox News they have a slide show of Stars Who Snuffed In ’09.

The most prevalent cause of death: cancer (still number one).

The most agonizing cause of death: cancer (maintaining it’s 2-for-2 yearly record).

The absolute stupidest way to die: by hanging yourself in a hotel room closet while masturbating. From now on this form of self-extinction will be known as “doing a David Carradine”.

The ultimate Darwin Award winner