If the head doesn’t fit, you must acquit!
The Royal Canadian Mounted Police have retrieved a memory card that may contain evidence in the death of a woman who fell from a hang glider. Lenami Godinez-Avila fell hundreds of feet to her death during a tandem hang-gliding flight with an instructor. William Jonathan Orders, 50, the hang gliding instructor who was arrested and charged with obstructing justice, apparently removed the memory card from an on-board video camera and swallowed it.
Soccer star Fabrice Muamba suffered a heart attack during an FA Cup match Saturday. The 23-year-old mid-fielder for the Bolton Wanderers was given 15 cardiac shocks and was technically dead for 78 minutes. He is said to be in good spirits and speaking in both English and French, however all he says is “ass piano” over and over again.
Everyone who is working themselves into a depressive frenzy wailing over Whitney Houston drowning in a bathtub full of her own vomit please stop and give a thought to, say, all those people in Syria who are being slaughtered by their own government, or the soldiers who just died in Afghanistan for no really good reason, or really just about anyone who wasn’t a pampered pop star who made bad choices and are responsible for their own tragic demise, but are instead victims of an unjust and uncaring world.
A Philadelphia college professor killed himself by diving over a second-floor railing inside a campus building during class.
Police say the 71-year-old math professor yelled at the students as he leaped: “I’m falling at 32 feet per-second squared, and it’s exactly 28 feet 7 inches to the ground – how long will it take me to – “.
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez announced he will return to Cuba to undergo chemotherapy treatment.
“I have faith in God, in medical science … in the people who have taken care of me and finally in myself,” he said during a message broadcast on state TV.
But Chavez apparently has no faith in Venezuelan health care, which must be pretty bad if he’s going to Cuba for treatment. Cuban authorities announced they have a 1958 Ford Edsel ambulance standing-by at the airport to take Chavez to the hospital when he arrives.
The Nuclear Regulatory Commission is downplaying disaster threats to U.S. nuclear plants in Nebraska and New Mexico. They claim there is no similarity to the disaster at the Fukushima nuclear plant in Japan.
“In Japan there was an earthquake followed by a flood of seawater. In Nebraska there was no earthquake and the plant is being flooded with fresh water – totally different thing. Unless the water gets higher than say two feet and two inches inches. Then it will pour into the containment vessels and you’ll see massive explosions and melt-downs that will sterilize the entire state. But there is absolutely no chance the water will exceed the safe depth.”
Nebraska disaster response officials say the water surrounding the plant is at two feet, with more rain on the way.
Meanwhile, in New Mexico, another nuclear plant at Los Alamos is surrounded by raging wildfires. Again an NRC spokesman says there is nothing to worry about. “This isn’t anything like Japan, where they had an earthquake, a flood, and then major fires at the Fukushima plant. There were no earthquakes or floods here. Earthquakes and flooding are the real problems – I mean the fire would have to completely consume that plant, and to do that there would have to be high temperatures combined with high wind – and what are the chances of that?”
The New Mexico weather service has predicted high temperatures combined with wind will sweep the state for the next several days.
We all remember him as “Columbo”, but Peter Falk had a long and varied career on television and in movies. He started in television in the 1950s on shows such as “Robert Montgomery Presents” and “Kraft Theater”. In the 1960s he did comedic movies including Stanley Kramer’s “It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad World” and “Robin And The 7 Hoods”. And in 1968 he created the role of “Columbo”, which he would return to over the next 35 years.
Falk did some of his most compelling work in partnership with his good friend John Cassavetes: “Husbands” in 1970, “A Woman Under The Influence” in 1974, and “Mikey And Nicky” in 1976 (directed by Elaine May).
In 1984 Falk appeared as the grandfather character who narrates “The Princess Bride”. Prior to that he appeared in the whodunnit send-ups “Murder By Death” (1976) and “The Cheap Detective” (1978). In 2009 Falk made his final appearance in the film “American Cowslip” with Diane Ladd, Bruce Dern, and Val Kilmer.
Equally at home in comedy and drama Falk never had those “dry” periods that actors often experience – he was always in demand as his IMDB entry shows. His gruff voice, everyman looks, glass eye, and ability to fit these attributes to almost any role kept him in demand. He lost the eye when he was three due to cancer.
Contrary to popular belief Falk was not of Italian ancestry: his father “was of Russian Jewish ancestry and his mother was of Polish Jewish, with a mix of Hungarian and Czech Jewish ancestry further back” according to IMDB.
Also contrary to popular belief his “Columbo” rain coat is not in the Smithsonian – he claimed it was in his “upstairs closet”. If you’d like a “Columbo” raincoat of your own you can get a brand new one from Freeman’s Sporting Club. And did you ever wonder why a detective in Los Angeles wore a raincoat, anyway?
Ayman al Zawahiri has been selected to lead the al Qaeda terrorist organization following the surprise resignation of Osama bin Laden. “Al was the only real choice” one jihadi said, adding “really – he was the only choice – he was the only one on the ballot”.
Photographic enhancement reveals what that thing on al Zawahiri’s forehead is:
The United States dropped all criminal charges against al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden yesterday. “It’s rather embarrassing” Attorney General Eric Holder said. “I’m sure if the President had known the charges would be dropped he wouldn’t have killed him. We should probably have some kind of law that states people are innocent until proven guilty, or something.”
Or maybe we just shouldn’t waste time making formal charges against someone we have absolutely no plans to ever bring to trial, but instead shoot on sight. Not that shooting bin Laden was a bad thing, just maybe injudicious if there were actual pending criminal charges against him.
May 1, 2011
My wives keep nagging me to take them out. “We never go anywhere!” they whine, and needle me with “What happened to the fun-loving Jihadi we married?” I keep telling them we can’t leave the compound – we’re in hiding for Allah’s sake! Of course I would love to make a night of it in Islamabad, just to have a good meal – I mean the only pizza place that delivers here is Domino’s! Their crust sucks!
Oh! There is the door bell! Maybe it’s the courier with some new porn!
April 28 2011
Why have they not voted Kirstie Alley off of “Dancing With The Stars”? I have camels that are more graceful! It’s a conspiracy – they are rigging the voting because her weight loss is good PR! This is just the kind of thing that makes me wish death to America!
Ex-Vice President Dick “Dick” Cheney says “I am still concerned about the fact that, I think a lot of the techniques that we had used to keep the country safe for more than seven years are no longer available. That they’ve been sort of taken off the table, if you will.” Cheney said he’ll miss weekends at the Guantanamo prison camp where “I spent many enjoyable hours electrocuting Muslim genitalia. There’s just nothing quite like that sizzle of terrorist scrotum!”
Get your tickets now while they last to the biggest civilization elimination event of the millennium!
See nitro-burning fire-breathing devils and demons drag the damned down to ETERNAL SUFFERING!
See fleecy cloud-riding angels and cherubim lift the saved into heaven’s embrace in MIND-BLOWING 3D!
Good seats still available!
Here’s a story over on FoxNews.com about how some Iowa gun nuts are pissed-off with a school security exercise. Apparently the mock shooting scenario involves a racist student with a gun shooting another student.
Robert Ussery, state director of Iowa Minutemen said “I believe it’s politically motivated, it’s wrong and it’s a slap in the fact to any person that loves our country and is concerned about our border security.”
Let’s get Aristotelian here.
A: If you are going to go on a killing spree you probably own a gun, and if you own a gun you are probably pro-gun ownership.
B: If you are going on a racially motivated killing spree it’s a good guess you might be a racist.
I don’t think the implication is that all gun owners are insane racists, just that most insane racists are probably gun owners.
However, if you belong to an organization that is strongly opposed to illegal immigration, that “patrols” the border (I guess the one with Missouri) while armed, and that calls itself “Minutemen” (maybe it’s a sexual reference), the chances that you are a racist, gun-toting idiot are probably somewhere near 100%. You have to wonder what Mr. Ussery is against: the portrayal of a school shooter as a “Minuteman”-type crazy person, or the idea there is something wrong with shooting people who aren’t white.
A super high-tech radiation shield developed by 3M was deployed at the damaged Fukushima nuclear plant Thursday in an effort to stop radiation leakage. The shield, made of a special flexible, light weight blue material, was gently lifted into place by members of the “Fukushima Fifty”: plant workers who have volunteered to stay-on at the plant in the face of high levels of radioactivity. “We have spared no expense in providing these brave people with the tools they need to get the job done” a Japanese offcial said.
That’s the North Africa Treaty Organization.
Why would 74,040 people want to work as an intern for Charlie Sheen, who is quite possibly the next O.J./Robert Blake/Phil Spector celebrity murder suspect?
Oh, he’s going to make $100 million dollars in syndication royalties – that’s why. And he’s just nuts enough to leave his intern a chunk of it after he biffs off after the next comet.
FoxNews.com has a surprisingly lengthy stiff list slide show starting with Art Clokey, inventor of Gumby, and ending with the twin brothers who took part in the first organ transplant. And a slew of famous dead folks in-between.
I am too old and tired to compile a Stiff List this year. So instead I’ll just link this cheesy Dead Celebrities list on CNN – even though it leaves-out some pretty prominent dead people.