Palin Responds To Cheney Criticism

Former Vice President Dick “Dick” Cheney said on ABC that John McCain made a mistake in choosing 1/2 former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his running mate in 2008. Cheney said “The test to get on that small list has to be, is this person capable of being president of the United States? …but based on her background — she had only been governor for two years — I don’t think she passed that test.”

Palin then appeared with Fox News’ Greta van Susteren and said she thought perhaps Cheney had bought into the opinion of the “lamestream media” in its biased and untrue reporting about her. “They said I only served two years, when actually it was nearly 25 full months!”

Transplanted Heart Rejects Cheney

Ex-Vice President Dick "Dick" Cheney has had a setback with his recent heart transplant. "Apparently the donor was a liberal, and the heart is demanding Mr. Cheney change his views on the Buffet Rule" Cheney's doctor said.

Dick Cheney’s New Book

Ex-Vice President (accent on "vice") Dick Cheney's new book is available in all formats: hardback, paperback, ebook, braille, audio, and as a blank-pages book for those who want to learn just as much without all the actual reading.

Cheney Thinks Ending Torture Is A Mistake

Ex-Vice President Dick “Dick” Cheney says “I am still concerned about the fact that, I think a lot of the techniques that we had used to keep the country safe for more than seven years are no longer available. That they’ve been sort of taken off the table, if you will.” Cheney said he’ll miss weekends at the Guantanamo prison camp where “I spent many enjoyable hours electrocuting Muslim genitalia. There’s just nothing quite like that sizzle of terrorist scrotum!”

Ex-Vice President Cheney bemoans the end of "enhanced" interrogation methods.

Ex-VP Cheney Gets Pump Implant

Ex-Vice President Dick “Dick” Cheney underwent surgery last week to have a pump implanted into his chest where his heart used to be in an attempt to keep his brain alive. Cheney has had a history of heart problems since the late 1970s, and has received numerous unsuccessful heart transplants.

“There is no point in attempting further transplants” Cheney’s doctor said. “They will be rejected by the body. He is the only patient I know of whose body even rejected his own, original heart.” The doctor then paused for a few seconds before adding” “In fact, it is not so much that the body rejects the hearts, but that the hearts reject the Vice President.”

Cheney is probably the most famous member of the group known as the “undead” who live of the flesh and bodily fluids of normal, living people. In Cheney’s case his body has been clinically dead for decades, with only his brain receiving blood from the many, many human hearts he has had. Now a pump device will bypass the body’s circulatory system and bring blood directly to the brain.

Cheney is reportedly doing well after the surgical procedure. “Mainly he complains about how the new device restricts head movement” the doctor said.

Tick Tick Tick

Ex-VP Dick "Dick" Cheney speaks to reporters after having a pump implanted into his empty chest cavity.