The military policy of “Don’t-Ask-Don’t-Tell”, under which gays could serve as long as they remained closeted, was officially ended Monday. The Army, Air Force, Navy, and Marines were immediately plunged into disarray as gangs of marauding gays accosted straight soldiers in showers, redesigned uniforms to feel more “festive”, and lowered unit morale by being openly identified as gay rather than being covertly identified as gay, like everyone didn’t know already.
The repeal is not without cost. Significant budgetary allotments had to be made to create a whole new generation of hygiene films. Almost $1 million was spent on painting images of scantily clad men on the noses of bombers. And a vast amount of time and money was expended adding new syncopated moves to march drills including high-kicks, the turn-and-flip, and of course the splits.
But perhaps the most significant change has been the renaming of naval vessels. The aircraft carrier “Ronald Wilson Reagan” is now “The Raging Ronnie”, while various smaller vessels are now carrying designations such as “Seafood”, “Thar He Blows”, and of course a whole plethora of “Atlantic Queens”, “Pacific Queens”, and a mine sweeper called the “Drag Queen”.
We don’t even want to get into what they’re now calling things like missiles, torpedoes, submarines, and deep burrowing smart bombs.
There seems to have been a huge surge in transfer requests, as large numbers of service members are asking to be sent to the “rear echelons”.