The military policy of “Don’t-Ask-Don’t-Tell”, under which gays could serve as long as they remained closeted, was officially ended Monday. The Army, Air Force, Navy, and Marines were immediately plunged into disarray as gangs of marauding gays accosted straight soldiers in showers, redesigned uniforms to feel more “festive”, and lowered unit morale by being openly identified as gay rather than being covertly identified as gay, like everyone didn’t know already.
The repeal is not without cost. Significant budgetary allotments had to be made to create a whole new generation of hygiene films. Almost $1 million was spent on painting images of scantily clad men on the noses of bombers. And a vast amount of time and money was expended adding new syncopated moves to march drills including high-kicks, the turn-and-flip, and of course the splits.
But perhaps the most significant change has been the renaming of naval vessels. The aircraft carrier “Ronald Wilson Reagan” is now “The Raging Ronnie”, while various smaller vessels are now carrying designations such as “Seafood”, “Thar He Blows”, and of course a whole plethora of “Atlantic Queens”, “Pacific Queens”, and a mine sweeper called the “Drag Queen”.
We don’t even want to get into what they’re now calling things like missiles, torpedoes, submarines, and deep burrowing smart bombs.
There seems to have been a huge surge in transfer requests, as large numbers of service members are asking to be sent to the “rear echelons”.
At a fundraising appearance in New York President Barack Obama declared his support for equal rights for gay couples – without actually using the contentious word “marriage”.
“I believe that gay couples deserve the same legal rights as every couple in this country,” Obama said, while adding “as long as it’s not called the same thing it’s called for everyone else – I’m not an idiot, after all, and I know there are some people who are so ignorant and shallow they just want to reserve the word ‘marriage’ for themselves. It helps make them feel superior. And if that’s what it takes to cow-tow to the left while still getting money from the center, well, let’s just say I’m not above playing to both sides.”
Obama spoke on the same day the New York legislature passed a bill authorizing same-sex marriage throughout the state – the sixth and largest state to do so. “If this were some state below the Mason-Dixon line, I wouldn’t even be talking about this, because I want to remain President of the United States, and I know the best way to do that is to avoid being wholly committed to any issue.”
Obama went on to say he’s prepared to appear to fight a little for what he claims to believe in: “I’ll back equal rights for gay couples the same way I backed health care reform: half-heartedly, partially, and fully prepared to back-down at the slightest hint of political resistance from the Republicans.”