You Don’t Send Me Flowers….

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Even When Appointed To Orifice

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Or Like Ancient Egypt – History

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He Should Probably Avoid Actors Named Booth

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He Likes People Who Aren’t Dead

And He Would Have Endorsed A Run In 2020

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How Civilization Ended On Mars

My people, we have a quandary upon us, or with us, or in us or however quandaries relate to us, but nonetheless we know they are most intractable and bad and we must do something.

As you all know, several months ago our high priest proclaimed that some “unclean” acts were committed within the great temple of Narx, and some of you are now tainted while others of us, who obviously were nowhere near the temple when the unclean acts were done, are not tainted. He further said the Gods would “guide the hands of the Great Jeddak and his wife The Queen in selecting those who will live and those who must die!” which was all just a bit dramatic, I thought, but anyway my wife and I made our lists and when we went to put them together there are a lot of names on my list that are not on hers, and vice-versa. So we didn’t know what to do: do we just merge the two lists and take only one among the duplicates and then have them all burned to death over at the High Priest’s temple where, I noticed, they had a lot of extra beer and wine delivered this weekend – you just try to get a mug of beer anywhere in the district for any price, but anyway, back to the quandary, you see, I was at quite a loss how I was supposed to guess who is tainted and who is not, and my quite Excellent and Perspicacious wife was likewise mystified as to how she should know anything about any major party in the birthing pools of the Temple last week when the moons were away as they must be to reduce the chance of procreation, or so the priests of Narx tell us, but we notice the priests are all down at the waterfront when the moons are full spending their ducats in the exact same places, just as if they had nothing to fear when the Moon is near to bursting! Anyways back to our little problem: so here we have these two lists and some people are duplicated on them and some are not, so does that mean that ones who are on both lists are tainted and therefore doomed, and that the “bachelors and bachelorettes” so-to-speak aren’t tainted and therefore aren’t doomed? Or is it like we just merge it into one list like I said, but yes – yes- you’re right that’s not very popular, is it. So, where are we then? Well we also noticed there are quite a lot of people not just here in the City of Narx, but all over the hither and nether and yonder lands, and they aren’t on either list! What happens there I ask you? My wife and I can’t vouch for every farmer and goat herder in the realm! We don’t know if they were at the Temple or not, or at least we didn’t see them if they were! I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I keep straying from the point, don’t I? Well, the point is who lives and who dies, what? You see some persons are on my list and not on my wife’s list, and some are on her list and not on mine, for instance I’m on my wife’s list but not on mine! So, I called upon the court astrologers and logicians and told them to decide what to do, and they came up with: everyone who isn’t on my list is safe and I’m not on my list so I’m safe and anyone who disagrees will go on my list. Everyone else can shift for himself – I understand my wife likes the definition: everyone who isn’t on her list is not tainted and everyone who is, is tainted and she’s not on her list and she damn-well doesn’t want to be on mine! We’ve been wrestling back-and-forth in negotiations about how to solve this quandary of who lives and who doesn’t for days, and the closest we can come to agreement on is that anyone who isn’t on either list should be condemned and doomed for not taking more of an interest in their homeland! Except for me not being on her list! But then I suppose I should put myself on my list to balance things out?

Well anyway, good to address you all one last time before you go off into the Great Temple of Narx to die! The Mrs. Appreciates it too! Sorry about the floods not being up to snuff this year and the wheat crop being so meager, but you know those are the breaks when you live near a river!

Down Girl! Heel!

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This Unit Must Survive

I Love It When Stuff Just Writes Itself

A zoo painted a donkey and called it a zebra. They also have a lion that barks.

She Is Beholden To No Man

Comrade Trump Is Working Hard For His Party

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There is no longer anything funny about this guy, but we’ll keep trying. Hopefully the U.S. will still be here in a couple of years and we can get back to funny-stupid instead of funny-scary. I hope Putin’s boots taste good because Trump just licked them for several hours.

The Ox And Lamb Were Undercover ICE Agents

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Time For Another Classic To Be “Reimagined”

Don’t Tell Her DSL Is Slower Than Cable

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Guide Us!

A Cunning Plan

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A Desperate Cry For Help

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Yeah That’s Right – We Went There!

Trump And Kim Are Having A Bromance

You have to wonder: is Kim Jong Un changing into a non-dictator, non-mass murderer to be more like Trump; or do they get along because Trump admires Kim’s utter corruption and wants to make the US more like North Korea?

What – Too Soon For You People?

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McConnell Suspends Fall Recess For Congress

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Woody Allen Wants To Be Poster Boy For #METOO

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FLOTUS Resurfaces – Or DOES She?

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Melania Reappears After 19 Days

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Are His Lips Moving?

Has Meghan Markle Seen The Top Of Harry’s Head?

Probably depends on if Harry likes the coochie.

Also All Those Feminine Hygiene Products

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Maybe It’s Psychosomatic

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Melania Finds A Cause She Can Believe In

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