Government Says Gulf Seafood Not Contaminated, Much

National Oceanographic¬†and Atmospheric Administration scientists are reporting that tests of sea creatures from the Gulf of Mexico show no “worrisome” signs of oil contamination. NOAA tested multiple individuals from approximately 400 species caught for the seafood market. When asked if they had personally consumed any of the Gulf species scientists said no – they had all just eaten at Burger King just before doing the tests.

NOAA said there is no reason Gulf fishermen shouldn’t be allowed to catch fish. “In fact, the oil spill has really helped them, because they’re a lot easier to catch when they’re bobbing upside-down on the surface like they are.”

“Damn It Congress, I’m A Doctor Not A CEO!”

British Petroleum (though they now disown the name) CEO Tony Hayward was roasted, toasted, and grilled by the U.S. Congress in hearings into BP’s responsibility for the massive Gulf of Mexico oil leak. He was apparently boiled as well because over the course of the day he turned red as a lobster.

Throughout the interrogation Hayward leaned heavily on the “Dr. McCoy” defense, constantly reiterating that he was a CEO, not a concrete, drilling, or derrick engineer. “I’m the CEO of a major corporation, so as part of my job qualifications I am far less intelligent than, well, the average politician for example.”

To which Representative Henry Waxman replied “Well then God help us all!” and then upended a glass of water on his head.

Hayward also used the “I’m so out of touch I can’t be¬†culpable” defense when he repeatedly told the House Energy and Commerce committee “I was not a part of the decision-making process”. This is in direct contradiction of testimony by the BP executives in charge of the Deepwater Horizon drilling project, who claimed they were “just following orders” when they cut-back on safety measures as they attempted to get the project back on schedule.

BP CEO Tony Hayward and other company executives testify before Congress